Kiss me

I remember this.

I sort of scare myself when I start to feel that I am getting very attached to a boy... or is it man at this age? Mostly due to bad dates or assholes from the past (correction: the only guy I ever really liked before this one). Now I am "sort of seeing" a new guy who I never thought I would like, however, it turns out that I do and I am almost beginning to fall here.

The scary part is; when I cannot remember how his face looks like, when I randomly pick up his scent, when I feel the inside of me melt while remembering his gorgeous smile, when a close friend of his says "he really really likes you", and when he says the right things. I guess it is scary because there is so much room to get hurt when you are so close to falling...

Waking up in his bed II

It took a while to touch.

Even longer for our first kiss.

In a short period of time, I was revealed.

Two bodies compressed.

Being held ever so lightly, like I am about to break - I can take your pressure.

Warmth and cold flowing between the sheets.

Deep breaths, closed eyes.

A silk touch trickling under the covers.

Is this a sign?

Extract from Rilo Kiley's "Portion For Foxes":

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news

...it gets me thinking if what I did was right?

Waking up in his bed

It was different and it was nice.

I want to go back...

"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger,

and your whispers softly echo."

- Gretchen Kemp

I could have, I would have...

...I SHOULD HAVE!


However, it is too late to turn back time now to change my answer to a "yes, I would very much like that".

I guess I mess things up for myself subconciously. I will just have to hope that there is a next time when these lips of mine will not say anything other than "yes". When that will be, I do not know, and if it might be a while until then; I hope I can be patient.

Bremen!

I never mentioned that I left for Bremen.

After a very long absence of Helen, things changed and I took myself down to Germany!
Despite only being there 4 days, I still managed to see the city and have a lot of fun.

A whole lot of drinking I must add, plus biking home in the freezing cold in a wobbly line. Weinbrand, Krabbe die Wand Nuff(?) and Bier (I don't find Ooze and the banana-thing Annika gave me, worth adding on). Some really nice tequila at Annikas, as well as some great Wursts.

It was sad leaving because I got so fond of Germany, and when I was onthe plane home I figured that if there's any country I'd end up living in; it's Germany!

It feels very homey to me, and I like a lot of their culture (that could explain why I don't feel like I'm Swedish, or anything else). But hopefully I'll soon be in Heidelberg.

spot the German colours on an animal!

I am afraid this little body can not take much more.

Why can't my essay just write itself?

I'm currently sitting in front of my laptop being brain dead. I have no words and I need words.

To specify, I need at least another 676 words.

But they won't come, and all I can think about is: why can't my essay just write itself?

Mais oui, c'est Yelle!

Saturday night, the 20th of November, ca 11pm, at Debaser, Medborgarplatsen, Stockholm, Sweden.


I went to go hear Yelle. It was magnificent, eccentric and f-u-n fun FUN!
To the beat: my feet stomped, my hands clapped, my head bobbed, my body jumped, my vocal folds sang, and my ears were in euphoria.

Because the guest DJ was so good too (never seen anyone as cool as her and with great choices of songs), people were already packed on the floor just giving their best and worst dances. Or perhaps not giving anything at all but just shaking off any worries or life in general - living in the now, if I am to go all cliché.

After two drinks, Mathilda and I headed to the dancefloor and joined the rest. It was awesome and really releaving; just being in the middle of the crowd and making fools of ourselves. And if we thought that we were really warmed up by then and feeling not lightly dressed at all, we were later proven wrong by Yelle.

She made everyone crazy! This petite French woman, who makes great electro-pop, got everyone so excited and hysteric. It was packed, like a can of tuna, and it was so warm, as if sweat was dripping from the roof instead of us perspiring our own sweat!

I also bumped in to two Belgians who I met via my tandem partner and friend, Jana. I thought that I wouldn't see them because there were more than 500 people, but then all of a sudden they were there in front of us - who would've known? I think there were many more that I knew there, mostly old schoolmates and acquaintances.

Conclusion: I went to bed happy and also with a stomach ache (from the double quarter pounder meal from McDo), to later wake up sleep-deprived and unfit to take on my last linguistic essay.

Oh, a fun note: the drummer stage dived!

This was the best video I could find. All her live videos weren't so great, either it wasn't HD or she sang a bit off, so it'll have to be this. She opened up with this song.

Not being effective

Today I feel like I have fallen back in to my non-effectiveness.... WHY!? Hate it.

I've had a great flow and really managed with things. I finally read the book in time for our literature class, I got involved during our seminar (sort of) and prepped stuff and whatsoever. I have been going to bed on time, not eating as great as I used to and today I woke up slightly early because I had a meeting booked. I got home late yesterday and went to bed at 2am (was with friends) and got about 6hrs of sleep. Maybe that's the reason why I'm so...

Either way, I'm trying to get a flow on my linguistic essay and it's not going too well. Christ, I don't even know what to write. And I've forgotten to pray (I thought I should start over and start praying again, just thanking for various things instead of asking) so it could be that too, that is disrupting my brain.

I also really like jogging nowadays, so much fun! Especially in the cold, when the cold air whips your cheeks. It's so nice but at the moment I can't be too bothered to go out for a run. Perhaps a walk?

I met a girl yesterday who invited me to a laundry room party at the student accomodation in Kista. I'd really like to go but I don't quite feel in shape to. No certain energy or excitement either - I must be depressed I think.

I just finished reading our English lit-book; it was great. "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer. I haven't read any books from our decade in ages. Prior to this when I picked books, I was all about the classics, and I still am, but somehow because my English course required us to read this book, I was forced to. And I really do not despise them for it. A tremendously fascinating book which is just told from a different perspective. It also makes you feel incredibly much - I can mention to my expense that I did shed some tears towards the ending.

Alright, time to grab the bull by its horns!
I'm out for a short walk, fresh air and numb cheeks. Then that damn linguistic essay...

Being effective

I've been really effective today! Which makes me happy.

First off I finally figured out my thesis statement, wrote it down and sent it to my teacher (he's not a professor yet so he's not getting the honour of being called professor). It was a bit of a hassle since I first sent it without the attached document, then attached it but sent it to myself and then ("third time's a charm") I managed to send it in tact to him.

Apres ca, I cleaned my room and the whole flat. Finally I have no loose papers flying about my room! And all my bills are payed too! So no more penalties or etc.

Then I had lunch with my laptop, fixing a jogging-playlist for my iPod. Obviously I went for a jog and managed to jog 4km in 24minutes!!! Not bad, besides my maximum puls was at 140 (which was terribly weird because 2,2km gave me 148) but maybe it was because I did an intervall thingy when I speeded up hills, then ran slow-mo down the hills but in an average speed on plain roads. I don't know, but it was weird...

Tonight, I'll be meeting Habiba whom I haven't seen for ages! Exciting, obviously we're going to watch Cinema Politica (what else!?). Hopefully catch up on talks and so on - we'll see!

Actually I can't be bothered to go. I'm anyways going tomorrow, and I bet Habiba will come along. I'll have to phone her now and see how we do it.

Shower. Hugs. Bye.

This is how I feel...

...yet not, because it's slightly impossible.

I am no Alicia Keys fan but I really like this song.

I dislike her videos because most of the time they're just tacky, like this one, and each video basically has the same pattern as the other. It manages to ruin the song and I don't get why they chose to go along the super hero-theme (notice how they go all Clark and Lana!?). Seriously, Marvel Street for a song that is serious with nice lyrics!? Oh well, you can't always get things your way...

So I'll close my eyes and just listen to it, rather than watch it.

Out fetching back my braincells

I recently returned from a jog around half of Spånga. Perhaps smaller than half because 15 minutes later I was back home.

I ran 2.2km which isn't much but still something. My time was 15 minutes...
It's a bit embarrassing because I managed to run 3km on that time when I was 13. Seven years later; I can only run less.

Whatever though! Last time I actually ran, was somewhere around February and I even stopped to walk for some time.
Now I actually ran in a pace that enabled me to just go on running without obstruction. Sure a bit slower than I'd like but still; I never took a step to stop.

I'm really excited over the next run I'll be taking. also, I've been quite lazy and my brain has basically been malfunctioning. so I just assumed that I needed to move. I remember when I was in junior high and we always had PE in the mornings. Those days I always noticed how much more enlightened I felt. My brain sucked in all info and I felt so clever and actually had pretty sweet grades! Then now at Uni, I have "no time", so I just sit, work, eat and google my way through all my books accomplishing D's on essays. I have also felt very heavy in the head and often quite stupid and unable to remember and even react to my studies. Hopefully, jogging sessions are my answer.




From today's jog, I don't feel completely refreshed or so, but this heavy head of mine which yesterday was about to fall off, is now feeling somewhat lighter! And God, fresh cold air that hit my cheeks, was really really nice for a change.

Nevertheless, I did pretty much catch my breath on our living room carpet staring at our coffee table.

Bonding times

I went to the movies today. I have not been to the movies in ages! So I decided to pick out an awesome flick. It resulted with "Eat Pray Love". The one with Julia Roberts (I love her, she is so pretty!), based on a true story.

I went with my mother. I thought that it would be about time that we did something together, since it has been a while. I also know that she has been missing me. I haven't realy been so fair towards her lately either. Most of the times I dicth her for friends, which is normal, I know. However, family also needs time. And my family only consists of one person: my mom. So I suppose I should be extra careful with her.
I know that I can be a real loner, and be comfortable with it. My mom on the other hand, is really lonely, she is that type of person who needs to be close to her family and feel that she has someone there. It does get a bit smothering but rather that than rejection, right?

So we went to see the movie. It was really good! Made me want to flee to India and meditate, find me, find my place and my wants. To be at peace and acceptance with yourself and your present... that would be really nice. Then go to Bali! Find my own Ketut to turn to and seek for guidance. See things, see the world! Oh, I really want to see more of the world. I hate sitting still and seeing the same thing every day.

After the movie, my mother was kind enough to accompany me to a vaccination clinique. I got my first dose of Gardasil. A vaccination against cervical cancer, which I was meant to take last December. I found my prescription from my original gynecologist, but paying over 1000SEK per shot (three shots = over 3000SEK) just doesn't feel affordable at the moment. So I found this clinique that I am talking about, which offered me 950SEK per shot, meaning that I'll save some money. Sweet!

Well, my point is: I got my first shot. And I just want to mention that I do not like getting them. My mother on the other hand gives them on a daily basis, and although it is only a part of her job - she actually enjoys sticking needles in people, so it is more of a hobby. And as always, she did have some slight complaints about the nurse, saying that the way she pressed on my arm while giving the vaccine, was prone to make me feel more pain and more stiffness from it. Which I of course did, and still do...

Now I am off to bed. Tomorrow I hope to wake up more disciplined. I shall start my day with a jog, shower, run off to Uni for some papers, head back home and study like SHIT! Because my exam is coming up and I have been wasting the first half of this week doing nothing.

Wow, I really suck at being disciplined...

Oh, and can you hear Florence as the "muzak"? Good choice, good choice.

And so I skipped class...

...because I didn't finish my essay in time. Time time time!

I really needed a break from everything though. To sleep and catch some real energy (not the dextrose that I've been constantly eating).
Now I have one mark on my attendancy and I'll get another because that's when I will miss the same seminar for Germany. So I have to make amends for it soon...

Oh, I hate this! I blame it on my job for getting in the way, I blame it on my need of having an income, I blame it on my ambitious soul, and I blame it on me for bad planning.

For tomorrow's Burma campaign.

Burma's Current Situation
In Burma, approximately 2300 people are being held as prisoners of conscience; this meaning that they are being imprisoned because of their peaceful acts of expression of their beliefs. Most of these prisoners of conscience have used the right to freedom of speech by calmly expressing their opinions/disapprovals against the junta's policies. This has resulted with them recieving absurd convictions, such as 90 years of imprisonment. Their conditions behind bars are also awful; many don't get enough food or any medicine, and the prisoners often rely on their families for help. Recently, the Junta has created a strategic plan to allocate the prisoners further away from their families to obstruct any aid given by their families.
The prisoners who are later freed, are no longer allowed to run for election in Burma. The system is corrupt, causing political parties to be completely excluded from the media and also forbidding any opposers to express any criticism against the military.

Amnesty's Aim
We [Amnesty] want:
-the elections in Burma to be free and democratic.
-the Human Rights to be respected and followed.
-the prisoners of conscience to be released.

For further information on what you can do to help: contact an Amnesty member.

My ambition is my obstruction

I have had it! This is enough. I love my friends and I love my ambition but I have really had it.

These constant obstructions of always finding time to lend to others. I have come to hate it.
I have no time for my studies, my grades are falling and I am really breaking my body down. How on earth will I be able to obtain an A for English I with this current situation?
I have been standing up for various people pushing myself aside and my needs too. I give up my time to be there and all I will get out of it is a flat D - I swear it will result in a D!

So now I'm stressing like crazy because I have no clue what my thesis statement for tomorrow is! Two paragraphs and I can't even remember what it was even supposed to be about. This is a catastrophe. And Amnesty is great but seriously, I might not be the president in the group but it feels like I am still pulling a lot of weight for it. Because nobody else wanted to translate some information for tomorrows Burma campaign, I offered since the president herself can not do everything on her own. Seriously, there are a couple of people who seem to not do anything! No contribution! I mean showing up for the campaign to hand out flyers - sure a contribution, but a small one. Yes, it is an hour of your time. Although, I am cutting down on work for my seminar (and it is not the first time) to translate, which takes more than an hour. I will also be shwoing up tomorrow to stand for two hours, and help drag some stuff there. Last time, I baked and tried to help organize small preparations for the previous campaign. There are certain people who just don't want to do anything but show up, hand out flyers and bake one cake! I mean c'mon!? Really!? I have just as much as you on my platter - get over yourself!

So I'm going back to the translating and this is seriously the last time I'm taking on any further tasks that will request the time I need to spend on my seminars. I hate this!

From now on, I am not going to be helpful. I will, just as everyone else not be a great teamplayer and focus on myself. It will be hard because I have a hard time being unfair - but I will make sure that I am from tomorrow on unfair.

Visiting Louise in London

I think I might have mentioned that my beloved friend Louise moved for not so long ago to London. This diligent and bright girl is now in her first year at King's College; oh my am I proud of her!




So last Saturday I visited her. It was a blast and there was a lot to do in such little time. Louise introduced me to her friends, all of them were wonderful people and I really admire them for their career choices. I felt slightly behind as always, but I also got more inspiration to apply for a bachelor's. I have also found something that I'm setting my mind on!

The weather was actually quite good. No rain until the last day and unfortunately one of my paper bags, with books about Klimt and Turner, tore up and the books fell in a puddle of water. Luckily they were quite well saved! A bit wobbly on certain pages and some stuck to each other, but no further disaster.

I also took time to visit museums that I never got the chance to visit last summer. I missed Dali and the Gaugin exhibition at Tate Modern. However, I managed to cover the most important ones: Tate Britain and National Gallery. I found many paintings and the most amazing thing happened when I was at National's; I found my favourite painting by Turner (the one below). I was so amazed and flabberghasted to actually be there in person to see it! I mean I was only a couple of centimeters away from it and really, it's more beautiful in person than on picture (the way I studied it in 7th grade). So that really made my day!



Flying home was a bit of a pain. I was sleep deprived and my suitcase's wheel had broken so it was a pain dragging it with me home too.

Anyways, enough with the blabber...

Hate is a strong word...

...but I am choosing to say it anyway!

I absolutley hate TIME Magazine Corpus and the guidelines for our linguistic essay. First of all, the corpora website won't allow me to register; all it does is refreshes the page with all of my information. Second, what on earth are we supposed to write without making it somewhat a slight plagiarism? Third, on 400-600 words although it is only a practice essay!?

I have had it! I have sat with this essay for more than five days and I am still not even half way through. I can not be bothered and I find this task really boring, but more likely useless because all information you will give by using the mandatory Corpora, only results in the obvious, ergo(!) we are almost plagiarizing.


I think I will give up for now and start packing for London instead. I will just have to bring my laptop with and try to write the rest in another country...

Die Werwölfe von Düsterwald

This is such a fun game! I recently came home from a gamenight at Jana's place, where she introduced this game to the majority of the partakers.

All goes out on instinct really, debating and then logic (if one can find it). Basically you're pointing the finger a lot!
So the game is about werewolves that kill villagers. The task is to win of course, the catch is that you don't know who is what (unless you're one of the three werewolves), so to try and cooperate with someone who is on your side is hard.
Psychological tricks and so on play a big part; it's hard to know who is telling the truth or not. And then you also tend to turn your back on people, but only to fight for the good (unless again, you're one of the werewolves). Nonetheless, one mustn't forget it's a game so personal feelings should be unattached.

Not much more to say (due to lack of time) other than that it was a lot of fun. I recommend it to anyone who would like to give it a go and I will certainly be trying to play it again!

Bianca 2.0

This year I turned 20 and I feel indifferent. Honestly, I do.
Many of my friends have sort of made it into a deal: "20 Bianca! 20! How do you feel!?" Nothing. If anything, I've gotten more anxiety about the future! It's creeping so sneeky up to your front door and the next thing you know... well, it's whatever it is you'll find when you open that door. Now, I'd like to keep that door shut until I am ready to go out. I would assess that to... hmm, let's say NEVER! However, we all need to grow up and there is no pause button on life so I'll just have to roll with it.

My day: it has been great! My friend Mathilda suprised me. So I met her at around noon, dressed to impress with high heels and back-ups in my bag. She bought me lunch and then we roamed around the city until 2pm. Headed off to "Old Town" where I was to be blind folded(!), took the bus, got off at some random station and walked until we had arrived at our final destination. Which was "Berwaldhallen", one of Stockholm's concert halls. I was really shocked, I thought it would be a movie or something similar to that. I even guessed "Skansen" (the zoo) and "Gröna Lund" (the amusement park) yet ended up being very wrong. Nevertheless, I was very happy with my gift; a concert with Mozart's piano concerto and Shostakovich's 10th symphony, the pianist being Jonathan Biss. I really enjoyed it, especially since it was ages since I went to the concert halls. I almost forgot how much I love classical music, especially live - so this gift was very meaningful to me.

Later we headed back into town and met Sofia. Fun! I got some up-dates about my high school; boy am I glad not to be there now to experience it! Crazy things were told. I ate two cheeseburgers to satisfy my birthday-stomach and headed home for a set birthday dinner. Very enjoyable!
And now it's 2am; I'm writing this before heading off to bed. I've cleaned my room too. I mean really C-L-E-A-N-E-D, I've tossed many things and made more space, there's even dust on the floor now. Wow! Cleaning and cooking is really meditating. Speaking of cooking, my mother got me "Nigella Express" which I can't wait to try. All the recipies looked so yummy and I felt like diving in to all the pots and pans at once! She also got me Rubik's cube... I guess I got some solving to do. I'm determined to triumph the cube, yet it might take a while; a long one.

So the birthday girl, who already feels too old to go out to party (I'm really not that much in the mood for clubbing these days), stayed at home and cleaned her room. She is now going to bed; one year older, more updated = 2.0

On my mother's card, to me:

"As you look back on your past...

I wish you an attitude of appreciation for all the lessons that you've learned. I wish you a sense of gratitude as you remember every experience. I hope you have no regrets to trouble you and to try to steal your joy, for even less-than-positive experiences teach us lessons and help to shape who we are.

As you look to the future...

For every question not yet answered, for every dream not yet realized, I wish you a tomorrow that will hold you gently in its arms and create that perfect way to make your dreams come true.

And for the rest of your life...

I wish you love and acceptance and peace and satisfaction. May you reach every goal you set for yourself and do all the things that you want to do. May every person who is important to you celebrate this day with you.

I wish you a birthday filled with happiness, and if I've missed anything, I wish that for you too."

A text from Donna Fargo.

I love Dorothea Tanning! This piece of art is titled "Insomnia". I saw it about 3 years ago at Moderna Museet, here in Stockholm. I did a paper on it (got an A++ yay!) and I just stood and stared at it for hours. I think it was at least 2,5hrs and the funny part; that wasn't even enough to analyze. I could've stood in front of it for much longer. Also, it's so detailed it was impossible to catch everything. Objects overlap each other; creating new patterns, symbols, emotions and even new objects. If you moved from one point of the room to another, you'd see something new and have a completely different perspective of the painting. Everytime I blinked it felt like the figures on the canvas had moved ever so slightly, and that something new was created. It's an amazing painting!

If you get the chance to see it (Insomnia) at an exhibit, then you must go and see it! It's very much recommended.

My audience?

I found this under the tab "Stats" and thought that it was quite interesting yet slightly initimidating. Oh, well! Nice to know that people do stumble upon my blog.

A bit blurry. Yet the top 5 countries in sequence are; Sweden, United States, Germany, Canada and the UK. Apparently most of them use Windows and Internet Explorer. Right...

Exalted

More about the campaign. I just handed back all the material ECPAT and the Body Shop lent me. I also got great feed-back from them too, so now I made two videos about it demonstarting my joy. The first one got cut off and the latter video is just a recap of the first video trying to rectify it. Pick which one you'd like to watch.

International Children's Day!

As the title states, you know the topic of my self-discussion for tonight! But also, for what it's worth, it is the Cinnamon Bun's Day too. Shocking that more people seemed to care more about that than children... (This can be largely and irritably discussed by me.)


Anyway, me and some other girls who volunteered did a campaign that turned out to be very successful! However, at morning I was worried because no one had texted me or said anything about showing up. Then one of them cancels; the one I was supposed to have by my side for the last three hours! And no way, that I'm confident enough to stand there on my own and try and get people to sign our petitions, not to mention donate.
and just as I was about to cry because I thought I'd have to call it off and all my efforts were in vaine, two more people who I didn't count on to attend where there. They helped me and suddenly we were five-later-to-be-four who ran the campaign. I was so happy and relieved, I didn't need to shed any tears (which I rarely do).

It was a success too for just being four and a small table. What fascinated me was how people seemed to have no clue about ECPAt and the current situation about child abusers/molesters, child trafficking and child prostitution around the globe. I mean; "what if it was your child?". So if you're just as untuned as them, please take a look at http://www.ecpat.com/ - it's an enlightener!

As for our baked goods; they sold and were quite popular. People even came to just donate money and/or just sign the petition. So we managed to gather 125 names which equals almost 6 pages. And we raised 2094sek for ECPAT Sweden. I'm so proud of us! I who was so nervous and hesitant two weeks ago, finally fixed it with tons of help from my Amnesty friends.

I was glad to hear how people wanted to join ECPAT's youth organization, and quite frankly I'd like to join it too. I think I'd be more engaged with that than Amnesty. Not that I think less of it, it's just that ECPAT has an issue which I get more aggrevated, passionate and ambitious about.
Just face it: Children can't stand on their own, they need someone to speak for them!

Dieses Mädchen freut sich!

This song randomely played on my iPod as I sat on the subway home after the campaign:

...fitting isn't it?

To show that you care:

VEM VAR DET SOM FACKING RÖSTA!? MANIFESTATION MOT RASISM!

What you see above is a demonstration that will take place tomorrow in Stockholm. The picture is not mine, it is taken from the Facebook event (I hope that this was okay!) that I am planning on attending. Well I hope that I can attend, but I am not sure if I will make it due to my campaign. And the translation for the events title is: "Who was it that fucking voted!? Manifestation against racism!"

Basically we are demonstrating about the extreme rights getting seats in our parliament, so when you see the "Who was it that fucking voted!?" it's referring to "Who voted on the extreme right!?" not "who-had-the-energy-to-even-go-and-vote". However, that was probably understandable!
The votes really were shocking yet expected. Sweden has become more xenophobic than it previously has been. That more than 4% (as I've heard) has voted for the political party "Sverigedemokraterna" is disgusting! Therefore, all partakers of this event will march together to demonstrate.

P.S. If you press on the title above the image you'll be directed to the event on Facebook!

2AMs, Amnesty and basically everything else!

~do you feel dead? I do.


I'm so exhausted! For the past four or five nights I've been going to bed at 2am prepping for other classes and etc. Amnesty is taking up a big part of my time. I'm in charge of the ECPAT campaign, I think I mentioned that in a previous post.

So much is going on. Today was my last lecture day and no more seminars for the week. Now I can sort of like sleep. Believe it or not, but when I got home and saw my bed at 4pm I was ready to dive under the covers, only to wake up the day after.

So today my last activity was hosting our preparation meeting for Monday's ECPAT campaign. We were 4 members (girls of course) out of approximately 14 members if not more. We made a banner and some signs so hopefully everything will run smoothly. I'm praying for it to!

I'm quite proud of our effort and work, it turned out well. Eventhough I spent 100sek on a bedsheet I won't be able to use. It's imprinted and I'm broke. I'm broke just in time for my birthday and I'm wondering where the government funding went?


I can't write, I can't think. I'm exhausted - goodnight!

You tell me

-- Mr. Bob Dylan, who was presented at our lecture today.

Happy Birthday to my blog who just turned one year old!

DAGENS I-LANDSPROBLEM: How I ended up staying in on a Saturday...

Right, so this is my first video-blog. And I do a premiere by whining about the probably cancelled building party and how I dressed up in vain. Enjoy! or ignore it and save 10 minutes of your life.

A Night Out

I haven't been out to a party in ages. I was out with Mathilda on our last night in Amsterdam but I'm counting the parties in the homecountry.

It really has been ages, and I'm actually scared and nervous this time. I'm usually not, and I always get excited and want everything to start as soon as possible; yet tonight the story is different. I'll be going to a party at Lappis on my own! I always have a wingman or two, but not tonight; I'm flying solo.
There will be Amnesty people there and we were going to try and meet up. I was also invited to a preparty at on of the girls' place. At the moment I'm really not in the mood to go to any of them but it should come to me when I sit on the train.

I also, can't keep myself away from socializing, I really need to put myself out there more. Especially now when most of the people I know are gone. I was supposed to study before leaving BUT my mother decides to change my schedule by asking me to go with her to Hornstull. We checked out some cupboards because she wants to redo everything in our kitchen. I really don't know why I had to go, because everything is anyway goign to be done her way and I really needed to study. And tomorrow I have half the day to study because I'll be working later.

I also met Liatrice today. A random voice just yelled out my name at the mall and I turn around and find Liatrice. It was really nice to see a familiar face, it feels like it's been a while...

Anyways, this chick is getting herself ready for tonights adventures. Let's hope I don't get home too late!




(Fixed and ready to go!)

--I am indeed, standing on our toiletseat.

Any given Friday

~it's the weekend!


Wow, what a week! I've been both unefficient as well as efficient.

The unefficient side is that I haven't been bothered to open and read all the chapters in all books for English I. Although "The Study of Language" with all the alveolar and stuff is slightly new or basically self-evident information just new fancy names/terms for it, is the only "rejuvenating" yet not so exciting book for me to read. The rest is like a re-run of grade 4 when we did our first projects and essays, teach me something new other than "how to write a paragraph" and I'm not so suprised that coherency and unity is important in a text. "The Study of Language" is also a re-run of English from my senior year. However, I wasn't so alert and managed to pass with an effortless A because of my one "great" essay. Yes, I probably didn't deserve it because of my lack of interest and commitment. And I think I've ended up in a new twin cycle of it... We'll see how I do with this course.
All I can say is that I appreciate the fictional literature books we read, as well as expanding my vocabulary with all the vocabulary exercises we have. I've also made some new friends; one which I actually really like and search for in the lecture halls. The smaller groups are a different question... I guess I'll leave it at that and just say that I haven't quite warmed up to them, let alone given it a real chance.

So my efficient side is my engagement in Amnesty! I'm so happy to be this active and actually trying to pull of a small campaign. If somebody would've told me that I'd this active and care so much after graduating from High School, before I actually graduated - I would never believe them. Before, I just wanted to mind my own business and do my thing. I was incredibly shy and wanted to just help/serve others than try and steer something on my own. Well suprise: Bianca has changed!
So I decided to try and do a small campaign to help ECPAT and the children across the globe who are victims of Commercial Sexual Tourism, for International Children's Day. I don't know how many organisations I've been calling around to and just hasseling them with information and help with my project.
A really cool thing I wanted to fix was a collaboration with Cinema Politica, make them screen a documentary about the main focus and try and inform, as well as enlighten, others about this particular issue. I think I can pull it off since I finally got two documentaries and a 13(!!!!) kilo heavy box filled with pamplets and inofrmative papers from ECPAT. Which - FYI - I needed to carry all the way home with my bare arms, and they figuratively felt like spaghetti-arms as soon as the weight came off of them.
I'm really hope that I'll pull this project/small campaign of mine off with great success! Or else it'll be very embarrassing.

Tonight I was out in town, Amnesty had a social event so that we all could get to know each other and relax a bit. It was really nice! We spoke about tons of stuff, a lot about Swedish history (which I then decided to zone out of), politics and education systems. We were at Gamla stan (Old Town) and sat outside at this cosy café that had such sweet coffee mugs. We sat and talked until it got dark and candles were everywhere. It was so nice, now one also made some more friends and apparently there was going to be a party tomorrow night at Lappis. I think we're all going, I know I am and I hope it'll be good. I guess my study-weekend took a sudden turn. Well, anything for a social life really. And also, anything for a great college life.

Bisous!

Recap on Amsterdam

~Okay, the blogger is back!

Was hab' ich gemacht?? Ja, ich war in Amsterdam! Toll!

Amsterdam. Has it's downsides, but has so many upsides (no, not talking about the coffeeshops or Red Light). I wasn't expecting much really. I'm just such a traveler, I want to explore and see places, be bewildered and gobsmacked by everything die Erde has to offer. I want to go back packing through the rest of Europe I haven't seen, sleep under bare night skies, walk along beaches, discover small sweet cities, FOOD CULTURE! Imagine all the things your palate hasn't discovered and touched and just completely devoured... Wow, I'm really getting off track!

Where was I? Right, Amsterdam. I really had low expectations, I wasn't prepared on falling in love with this city of canals. Everything so small and cosy, buildings' magnificent architecture, the sights, the vibes - I really fell in love.

I kept telling Mathilda that I wouldn't mind living there for a while. An apartment high up in a beautiful building, overlooking an idyllic canal with a quiet street. The dreams that came to me while walking through the city...

The top of the icing was Tuesday night when we went to a concert. Of course, I went to hear Modest Mouse. They are THE band, they hold all of my childhood memories, they're like my bread and wine. It was definitely a night I'd never forget. And I just keep on wanting to go back to it, all the time.

I really can't wait to be on the move to my next destination!

It's starting to feel lonely

It's been a while. I don't know how many of these posts I've started, then saved, then deleted. Lost inspiration, gained it, then lost it again. I can't write unless I feel like it. Yet it has been a while now and I suppose I can't leave it completely undated. So where to start..?

I'm starting to feel lonely. People start moving away to other places, obligations start to occupy all your time, you get cranky, you dream big and hope for better things. So! Two, or actually three, of my friends have all moved from the city. Two to the UK and one to the west coast. I'll miss them a lot, more now that they're not a tube-ride away. UK isn't that far but it's still in a different timezone, the west coast is in the same time zone just a different region.

I started crying at Ida's party when I hugged her before leaving. I felt a bit exaggerated just because I knew that she'll be in the same country and not the other side of the globe. Louise left yesterday and I managed to text to her as well as I could. The nice thing, that keeps me happy, is that I know that I'll be meeting her soon (in a month). Reunited with Helen too. And a funny thing is that it seems like everyone moved on the same day; Tuesday.

Okay, losing my thread here. Lately I've been taking friends' departings kind of bad, if not a tad, exaggerated. Why? I don't know. I've also started to miss people who parted from me before summer a whole lot more. Thought about them more, etc etc.

I once said that I usually adapt to any enviroment, and new enviroments, very well. I guess I grew apart from it. I don't adjust as well to new things anymore. I get a bit intimidated yet try to walk curagiously with it. It's all a sign of my fear of being left behind and alone.
I'm not completely alone, I still do have friends left in the city. Just not as many as before. Your large safety net disappears, you're a bit on your own, you're used to old patterns, you're finding your own way in your own time...

Some people seem to see their guidelines, as in; what to choose, how to get there, facing the fear, being superflously observant. I on the other hand, I walk blindfolded guessing my way to what I think I want. And the amount of friends, who used to be there to comfort and hold your hand, have diminished so that you feel alone.

My true habitat

~it's good to be back


Things that have happened today are quite a lot.

Today I ate breakfast out in town with my childhood friend Ida. My childhood friend, one of my best friends, is moving away from the city. She's starting a new life with her boyfriend down in the west coast. Far away but still in the same country. As much as I'll miss her, I have no doubts that she is following her own path. Afterall, we can't all stay in our nests of security - we need to fly on our own. Unfortunately this piece of information came all too sudden to me, and it was a sudden decision I supposed.

I'm really going to miss you Ida! We never had enough time to meet although we were in the same city, now she's moving to another city and meeting up will be harder. Either way, it's not forever and we'll meet sooner or later. Change for me is just a bit hard to adjust to...

Later we did some small shopping before the short goodbye. Then it was off home to later leave again. this time for my Amnesty meeting, which I really enjoyed. It was a lot of fun, and I also got my two wishes through; doing campaigns for ECPAT (End Child Prostitution, Child Ponrography & Trafficing) and for the flooding in Pakistan. Pakistan has to be prioritised first due to it's level of seriousness and the cholera spreading.

Below is a petition for ECPAT via Body Shop that is good for people to sign!
http://www.thebodyshop.com/_en/_ww/values-campaigns/stop-trafficking-select-country.aspx?

Life

~now I'm really slipping up on private issues


My mother, who unfortunately fell ill after our return from the Philippines, is gradually getting better. Slowly, yet I hope steadily. This morning I took her to her MRI and hoping to get results immediately, we now have to wait. I don't know how long it'll take but I hope they work presto. Because if the MRI shows nothing (I'm kind of hoping for it since a thrombus in her brain is not what I wish for) she has to do another test. It's taking weeks to figure out what it is she has, and she's already gotten her eyesight back - what if the symptoms are grave and manage to disappear, just to reappear and "attack" again? How I wish that the doctors would rush and that her healing would too. But all things work within their time.

I've been praying a lot lately. I have been since July (before my mother even fell ill) and I haven't prayed for years. So it was a bit of a schock for me already then, to suddenly feel a strong connection to God. However, as in my last short post: I am upset with God. Yet I still keep on praying, it's a strange thing and I don't think I'm on his good side.

I don't pray for selfish needs. I pray for health and happiness, not just for me but for others too whether they'd be a close friend to me or an acquaintance. I pray for my mother to not have any more serious illnesses (she's been operated for two other tumors earlier) because it has been hard for me to watch my mother be weak and actually hurt. And to possibly go through that again is nothing I'm looking forward to. To be the only one there as support... I can't begin to describe how scary it is.

So the doctors say that it's either a) a blood clot in the brain or b) a nerve-paralysis. None are good options or outcomes.

This is why I'm upset with God. Unfair is just one word to begin with.

Religion

I'm upset with God.

It's menacing

~being sick


I hate this, this wasn't supposed to happen but of course: I got sick. Like heavily sick, my fever shot up to 38.8 and I got the big chills and shivered under a blanket wearing a cardigan and my jeans trying to get warmth so that I could sleep. I felt like vomitting, falling apart, collapsing as soon as I stood up, running to the bathroom every 30 seconds - I haven't felt this bad in a long time. And this was last week, at around thursday and now it's monday and it's still not gone. Better, but not gone...

I fear that it'll ruin my trip to the beach and my last week. I still have things to do and see, stupid cold! Not to mention that the doctor I managed to see prescribed me medicine that didnt work, medicine that was really expensive and resulted in me popping four different pills 6 times a day (2 were supposed to be taken twice a day). I can't fucking sleep and I'm still as sleep deprived as I was before I left for this vacation but also once I'm here it seems like nobody lets me sleep at all! Always something to tell and something to do or an obstacle. No wonder why I'm sick. Then the mosquitos start biting me, I have so many mosquito bites I'm afraid of getting the Dengue-fever. The one thing I really don't want to have. And apparently if I'd get it, I need a blood transfusion and my blood type belongs to the rare type here in the Philippines... meaning Good Luck Chuck, I'd probably die in that case since no one would have my type.

Speaking of dying, I had a bad dream while I was napping. I dreamt that a drugdealer who was my friend until I saw that he was dealing drugs by accident, was out to kill me. I've never been so afraid (or I have and even more afraid) since it felt so real and the guy dealing it had the same face as my classmate from my German course at SU. Freaky! I was basically pleading for my life, and for my mothers and her friends life because I didn't want to die. I kept saying that I hadn't lived yet and that I still need to get children and that my mother has to see them before we die. Awful!

A Bengali Fig tree at a garden in Makati.

My mom found a new baby named Jackfruit.

The only beach I managed to get to in Cagayan.

PHILIPPINES!

~kumusta ka!?


Mom and I are in the Philippines! Mom's roots, my roots! So we've been in Manila and I've been trying to get my broadband to work. Then after purchasing the darn USB, you see everywhere at each fastfood restaurant that you can sit there and use their free WiFi - I bought a USB for nothing!

Weather has been treating us quite good actually, although 'tis the rain season and typhoon season. However, I really want to go to the beach but I'm afraid it'll rain. Besides I want to go to Boracay and nowhere else. But, I gotta feeling that we're not going to go there, if to any beach at all!

Here's some pics of what we've done so far - mostly shopping. Oh btw! I forgot to mention that my mom and I were sitting having dinner with Nica (my friend) at a mall and at the stage like 4 meters away Jason Derulo got on stage and had a mini concert, probably some presss release publicity thing. Quit cool (note: I'm no fan), although he started and ended EVERY song with the wailing noise of: "Jason Deruloooo". Gosh, the new narcissus right? How egocentered can a guy get, we know your name already!!! (No wonder why I'm not a fan of his...)




Scrap the pics - I couldn't upload...

Florence + the Machine

~my exact cup of tea!


I love this artist, the songs are exactly what I love to listen to. I like pretty much all genres, but certain genres and certain artists are holy to me - and Florence is now dubbed holy by me.

Of course Cecilia would know that I would like this (to Cecilia: thanks for the Spotify invite btw, I'm so behind!).

Off with the roots

~getting rid of hair


I must recommend this saloon I went to to get my legs waxed. They were so good, and the technique they have is so not from the stone-age but up-to-date. I've only waxed myself once before and it was okey but not all too great. The wax was way too warm and got me to twitch so much it was as if I had ticks. This salon had a more up-to-date method and technology, I'm telling you - I thought I would die but I didn't, I basically felt nothing!

The place is called Del Carmen, it's situated right by Vasaparken more towards Odenplan. The woman who waxed me was so good. She actually got nearly each strand of hair off! She used a roller, which is much more gentle and feels less like you're being slaughtered. Of couse for the bikini part she used that wax which you warm up - the one that made me twitch - but it was so smooth. And even though the warmth was apparently high as it's temperature showed, the creamy substance soothed more than hurt/burned. It was so much fun (perhaps not the best word for it), and she even mentioned that it contained white chocolate which made me laugh. Either way, I think I've found my place and my person. There's probably no better place than Del Carmen!

Travelling

~escaping reality and everyday life


I've booked my flight to Bremen. I am so excited, this summer will probably be one of the best ones by far. On Monday, I'll be off to Philippines - I've missed that place so much! A month in Asia, hopefully a week by the beach, shopping, meeting friends and cousins. And a lot(!) of sleep and relaxation. BEAUTIFUL!

After my arrival to home sweet home, I'll be working for a week and then I'm off again to Bremen where I'll be with Helen for five days or so. I've missed Helen like crazy, she'll show me Bremen and we're plannign on attending an author's reading. Then I'm taking the train from Bremen to Copenhagen, for a connecting train to Malmö. Malmö is where I'll be meeting Ivona, whom I haven't met in ages. I'll be hanging out with her for four days until I have to head back home. Then it'll be work for a week and then bye bye Stockholm, hello Amsterdam and Modest Mouse!

When I return from Amsterdam I'll be found at University taking English I. Not quite my plan but there's a thought to why I will being studying it...

Missed the Boat

~Modest Mouse

While we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ear's door, but you were always out.
Looking towards the future, we were begging for the past
well we know we'd had the good things, but those never seem to last,
oh please just last.

Everyone's unhappy everyone's ashamed,
well we all just got caught looking at somebody else's page.
Well nothin' ever went quite exactly as we'd planned,
our ideas held no water but we'd use 'em like a dam.

Oh and we carried it all so well
as if we'd got a new position.
Oh and I'll laugh all the way to hell
saying "Yes this is a fine promotion".
Oh and I'll laugh all the way to hell.

Of course everyone goes crazy over such and such and such,
well we'd made ourselves a pillar, but just used it as a crutch.
We were certainly uncertain at least I'm pretty sure I am,
well we didn't need the water, but we still built that good goddamn!

Oh and I know this of myself,
I assume as much for other people.
Oh and I know this of myself,
we've listened to more of life's end gong than the sound of life's sweet bells.

Was it even worth it? Was there all that much to gain?

Well we knew we'd missed the boat and we'd already missed the plane.
We didn't read the invite we just danced at our own wake.
All our favorites were playin' so we could shake, shake!

Shake, Shake, Shake!

Tiny curtains opened then, we heard the tiny clap of little hands,
a tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all them folks,
sitting drifting round on bubbles then (thinking it was us that carried them),
when we finally got it figured out, that we'd truly missed the boat.

Oh and we carried it off so well
as if we got a new position.
Oh and we owned all the tools ourselves
without the skills to make a shelf with.
Oh what useless tools ourselves.

--from We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank

-

After a long day - heaven is home. Not keeping troubles or issues in mind, just wanting to collapse on a soft object and unwind. Taking it easy, two steps at a time with the beat: right-left right-left.

People outside. Friends, families, probably even lovers. Alone, walking by heading to heaven. Not caring about the vicinty, keeping focused on the goal - home. Taking it easy, up the stairs, inhaling-exhaling: breathing.

Keys fumble among tired fingers. Hands turn to unlock the last barricade:

Heaven at last!

...Until something, that has been pushed far away to a place of non-existence in mind, appears. In a small package and letter it lays on wooden floor. Something of sentimental value, something of good will, something suppressed.

The package: a necklace with matching earrings, both an adolescent design. Disgusting yet immediately a sentimental value. Unable to throw it away or even give it away, it stays in its package to be hidden.

The letter, short and concise, reads a message. The words, not meaning what they say, leaves a code to decipher. Awakening a mixed emotion, the one thing you want to do and in these moments can do - you can't...

My June

~in pictures

The older you get...

~...the more wretched things you experience



Today, I stayed home until I decided to grab my co-workers shift at the store. She only needed to get off the two last hours which were closing hours. I took them just to help out but also for the money, I mean I'm going on vaca soon. I need them - if you catch my drift...

Either way, I did nothing but math and sang along to my iTunes (which I do constantly even when iTunes is not on) and I heard nothing but myself. I also played some piano during the day just because. As my mother comes home she tells me that we had policemen in our stairwell. I was shocked and asked why. Apparently our neighbours had burglars. Our neighbours weren't home but still! Think if the burglars decided to pick our appartment which I was alone in. Not nice.

Either way I couldn't really help out and I don't know what to say about myself. I'm shocked that I didn't hear a single thing. Those burglars must've been super-silent... Lets hope that they won't come back.

Heatwave

~tired of mathematics

It's so warm in Stockholm. And I wish I could sit outside and sunbathe - but no! I have work to do. For once in my life, mathematics is a obstruct for me. I can't believe that I can't solve the math problems on my exam. It's pissing me off. I usually never have difficulties but apparently mathematics at a university level is harder than I expected. And I'm stuck inside in our flat trying to solve so many stupid equations. I even feel like quiting this course already! Summer is here and it will soon go away - I think I'd like to make the most of it. However, no matter how nice the weather is, I refuse to be a quitter! I won't quit, unless I'm forced which means that they'll have to fail me to quit.

On iTunes I've created a summer playlist with songs that make me happy. And other things that make me happy are pictures of clouds on a bright and sunny day. These are pictures of my neighbourhood, my ghetto, my hood.

Something that was a bit fun, was that yesterday my mother and I were in her bedroom ransacking her closet looking for something that she could wear for the wedding she's attending in Gothernburg. The whole weekend alone - I like it. We found clothes that she had put away for our vacation in the Philippines. Slowly we started putting together outfits for different occasions,
and I was extremely pleased with what I had put together for myself. Vacation countdown: 20 days left!

Nachtzauber

Hibernate

~from my issues.

I just want to lie under my blanket in my bed and cry.

A Midsummer Nights Dream

~have you ever read that play? It's really good!


I work. I study. But I don't play. I have no time for play, and I'd rather not have the economy to play either. I'm off to Asia within less than a month and for the first time I have to stand for my own costs. Growing up, sucks!

Not only the fact that you have to pay for yourself, but right about everything gets harder. Making true friends gets harder, picking a path in life gets harder, parents get harder, you get harder, issues gets harder - even walking gets harder.


Yesterday I met Julia. Our Jules who moved to Brighton last September, and whom we haven't seen since then. I was so happy to see her, my childhood friend and a great friend, who I'll never let go of. She's doing great and I haven't seen her so happy as she was yesterday in a very long time. Julia really radiated of joy and happiness, and I who have always thought that I was happy noticed that I'm destructively putting up a facade. I'm not so happy after all. Things aren't going the way I've planned, I have no control of things and I can't let go of my current position in life to see where it {life} will take me. I'm too scared and I hope for too much.

Helen was released the day before yesterday from the hospital. She'll be flying home on Sunday and tomorrow she will host a farewell dinner. Last time when I visited her (which would be Tuesday), we had a walk around the premises and sat ourselves on a bench. I spilled out my childhood to her, every wretched detail and she declared me as "definitely messed up". And I agree.

I used to be able to be a normal girl. Never fail in chitchat and conversation, no matter what the subject was. Process information easily, store it in my head. Reasonable and very logical. Always doing well and never socially incompetent. However, I fear that I have become and odd humanbeing. It might as well all be in my head, but I can't possibly know.

I have to clean this flat ASAP since Habiba just called and said she'd come over. I could really use my childhood friends as much as possible right now. I miss them so badly, with them I can be me without thinking and without forgiving myself for my actions. I miss Julia the most, because she's furthest away from us. We all live in the same city but rarely meet - why is that? [And I wish, time wouldn't be an excuse.]



Before I go I must list the professions that I have seriously considered; musician, pediatrician, gynecologist, doctor, lawyer, economist, financial advisor (although this includes in the previous profession) and mathematician.


I have scrapped most of it, so that I can come down to two paths: lawyer or economist.

So why does my mother infiltrate my mind when she spontaniously asks me

"Have you ever considered becoming a doctor?"

Perhaps it's because she's a certified nursing assistant...

A Wonderful Sunday

~floating on a cloud


Last Sunday was wonderful! I was completely high on happiness.
What raised my spirits was the concert at Stockholms Concerthall. It was the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra with the conducter Gustavo Dudamel. Did I love it? YES!

It was unbelievable. They were so good and I was so happy to sit there and have the privilege to listen to them. It was completely sold out too. So many people from Venezuela were there, and for once in your life - there was an enormous warmth in that room which I've never felt before. It bothers me to admit that we Swedes are very withdrawn and dull. We're sometimes too formal that it bores me to death, and I am so glad that for this concert we let loose and tossed the dullness aside!
Before the concert began, when entrance was being taken, the applause were much more different; more welcoming and in a way full of longing. The Venezuelan wave took over, you applauded "with all your might and heart". The orchestra was spectacular. These kids (okay, they're not really kids, more like 22ish) really listened to each other and connected. They had a perfect understanding, the conducter had no scores in front of him and at one point he just stood and waved the beat while they kept playing on. How remarkable isn't that!? And this is a youth orchestra! As the concert ended and applaudes were being collected, I'll tell you - it was the best thing ever. Standing ovations, applaudes that lasted for ever, red-pink and sore palms... and the one time in your life when you can toss this dull etiquette of ours aside - we cheered, whistled and roared! Everyone seemed to go quite bezerk, and I wondered if the Berlin Philharmonics recieved this much gratitude as well?


Either way, it was immensly great! Bravo! Perfecto! Bravissimo! etc, etc... A great programme.

Carreño: Margariteña
Ginastera: Fyra danser ur Estancia
Stravinsky: Våroffer
Dvorák: Slavisk dans nr 8 g-moll (extranummer)
Bernstein: Mambo ur Symfoniska danser ur West Side Story (extranummer)


All the pieces were beautiful, and naturally my ultimate favourite (apart from the marvelous and humorous Mambo) was Stravinsky. No surprise there if one's favourite composer is Shostakovich, I'm bound to love Stravinsky too.
However, the best performance was Bernstein's Mambo. It really lifts your spirits, and you can't help but get carried away with it. Oh, how I wished that my mother had just forced me with the violin instead of piano. Just sitting there watching; I badly wanted to go home and pick up the cello again, work my way up so I too could be a part of it! It was freekin' splendid!!!

After the concert, I felt like running down the street humming out the Mambo piece and yelling Mambo where ever I went. But I did no such thing of course...
Ending the night, the girls and I went to visit Helen. We watched the match between Germany and Australia. Do I need to clarify who won with 4-0? No offense, but the land down under had no chance against Deutschland.

All in all, the day was fantastic, and the soccer game was the cherry on top!

WATCH THIS VIDEO! And you will understand why I got so high last Sunday.

It was amazng to watch. You wanted to stand and yell MAMBO with them. Look at the fun! They dance with their instruments and let loose and just play together. Fantastic things that I wish I could be a part of (and I bet you do too).

Look what I found

~Graduation concert: Beethoven sonata 25 in G Major [2009]

Sorry about this video. Crappy sound and picture! And not my best preformance, some major mistakes. The original video was lost. It's so strange that this was a year ago...

Oh! And if you'd like to know which part was my favourite to play, it was the second movement a small passage at 4:58.

To the left: Me getting ready for the concert. To the right: Julia (violin), Eric (vocals/viola) and I (piano ...obviously!)

Fill my wardrobe with...

~Reem Acra, Marchesa, Ted Baker, Elie Saab, Azzedine Alaïa, etc.


Lately I've actually had time to go through some Autumn-Winter 10-11 collections by my favourite designers. I also checked up some new ones whom I've never heard of before.

Check out Elie Saab's AW10-11 collection, especially the jewelries. And also (one of my absolute favourites - big time!) Reem Acra's collections and jewelry. If I had the money, I would've bought all of Reem Acra's garment. One of my favourites is the one I posted on December 1st.

Other designers I keep an eye out on are; Marchesa, Azzedine Alaïa, Roland Mouret, Stephane Rolland, Caroline Seikaly, Matthew Williamson, etc. The list is slightly long.


Back to my mathematics then...

designs by Reem Acra

Modern Day Machines

~experiencing a shooting


Imagine this...

You're walking in the sun, in the city. A safe neighborhood which you semi-grew up in because you went to school there your whole life. You're listening to your iPod on max, pondering on what to wear for tonight. You see two busses pulling up, you hear a small noise resembling a firecracker, you leave your thoughts for a second, a man in front of you runs along the street. You keep walking and have never stopped - more people run, but this time against you like a stampeed. You notice that you are alone on the street, your stomach takes a turn. You pull out one earphone and hear someone behind you yell, to someone hiding a bit further on, to run back to the end of the street. That person runs and tells you to run too. You're gone in mind. Then slowly comprehending what you've recently picked up by ear, you slowly turn your body around and follow them. Behind the corner in safety a couple speaks of blood, while others say gunshots. Someone got shot and all you think is "that could've been me".



What I'm telling you to imagine is what I experienced today. A shooting in Stockholm. It was so surreal, just like anything else this serious that I have ever encountered. I was at the same spot as a man got shot, I basically had front row seats. And what kind of makes me a bit speechless about it is that I could've come inbetween the firing. I wasn't far from it, and had I not by accident taken a detour from the park I would have been exactly between the man who dismissed the gun and his victim. Thank God for my mistaken detour!

I wonder if the body subconciously detects what is going on, because the part that I describe as your stomach turning, actually felt like a bullet had already hit you at that exact part of your body. You just aren't sure yet about what it is that is going on, so you dismiss it as your stomach turning. I only stayed at that spot with the others until the police came, then I left. I had somewhere to go to and a time to watch.

As I walk on the other side of the street to get somewhere, I wondered how come I didn't react as strongly as one of the other witness'. Why was I not traumatized and shocked and speechless? Have I grown immune? I must admit I have been through many serious and shocking experiences. I once was close to being punched by a nazi when I was twelve in the subway, and if my body didn't on the count of reflex dodge him, I could've ended up having some severe beatings. When I was young, I also saw a girl who was a meter away from me fall onto the tracks when the train I usually caught to school came. I saw how she fell, heard how she hit the trains windsheild and screamed as she fell and was run over by it. I've even experienced domestic violence. I've seen many people unconcious, so unconcious that peramedics were called for emergency. Or like today, I saw a graduate who was unconcious on the ground outside a department store, his friend speaking to the police as the peramedics where trying to get him in the ambulance. The rest of the graduating class were 5 meters away and kept on cheering and celebrating their graduation - so insensitive, selfish and cold... no care whatsoever. another thing that happened today was that two railroadworkers where run over by a commuter train. One died, while the other one only had his legs injured. For this to be a day of joy for all the HS-graduates... a lot of awful things have happened. Somehow it feels as if I'm next on the Grim reapers list, all of these horrible things I see. I wonder if I'm the only one who has seen so many awful things? Probably not, or I know I'm not but amongst my circle of friends it feels like it. Otherwise I suppose I'm more like one to speak out about what I experience.

The main part about why I'm writing this is due to my quick recovery. I wasn't in an enormous state of shock. I found a way to keep walking and to stay sane. I found a way to not get too obsessed with the fact that I could've gotten inbetween. And then two minutes later I pass another graduated class who are all peachy keen. Some drunk guys offered me to celebrate with them. I merely said no, and my mind added there was a shooting further down the street, just a couple of minutes ago. It was if the shooting never took place. I kept moving, getting on with my agenda - like a machine. Is that what has become of us? Is that why we no longer have a strong moral courage in our respective states? Is this why it keeps diminshing and we appear more selfish? Is it because we day by day, increasingly resemble machines?

We eat, we sleep, we work - we stick to our agenda. If anything gets in the way, we find a way around it - because we need to stick to our agenda. Our agenda is important to us, and it mustn't be disturbed.


Accidents happen everywhere, all the time. And when you end up in a situation as I did today, we remember our agenda to forget that we were minutes away from possibly malfunctioning...



Articles (they're basically all alike):
http://www.expressen.se/Nyheter/1.2012558/man-skadad-i-skottlossning-i-centrala-stockholm
http://www.aftonbladet.se/nyheter/article7246575.ab
http://www.dn.se/sthlm/man-gripen-efter-skottlossning-i-stockholm-1.1116912
http://www.svd.se/nyheter/inrikes/man-skjuten-i-centrala-stockholm_4820295.svd