My June

~in pictures

The older you get...

~...the more wretched things you experience



Today, I stayed home until I decided to grab my co-workers shift at the store. She only needed to get off the two last hours which were closing hours. I took them just to help out but also for the money, I mean I'm going on vaca soon. I need them - if you catch my drift...

Either way, I did nothing but math and sang along to my iTunes (which I do constantly even when iTunes is not on) and I heard nothing but myself. I also played some piano during the day just because. As my mother comes home she tells me that we had policemen in our stairwell. I was shocked and asked why. Apparently our neighbours had burglars. Our neighbours weren't home but still! Think if the burglars decided to pick our appartment which I was alone in. Not nice.

Either way I couldn't really help out and I don't know what to say about myself. I'm shocked that I didn't hear a single thing. Those burglars must've been super-silent... Lets hope that they won't come back.

Heatwave

~tired of mathematics

It's so warm in Stockholm. And I wish I could sit outside and sunbathe - but no! I have work to do. For once in my life, mathematics is a obstruct for me. I can't believe that I can't solve the math problems on my exam. It's pissing me off. I usually never have difficulties but apparently mathematics at a university level is harder than I expected. And I'm stuck inside in our flat trying to solve so many stupid equations. I even feel like quiting this course already! Summer is here and it will soon go away - I think I'd like to make the most of it. However, no matter how nice the weather is, I refuse to be a quitter! I won't quit, unless I'm forced which means that they'll have to fail me to quit.

On iTunes I've created a summer playlist with songs that make me happy. And other things that make me happy are pictures of clouds on a bright and sunny day. These are pictures of my neighbourhood, my ghetto, my hood.

Something that was a bit fun, was that yesterday my mother and I were in her bedroom ransacking her closet looking for something that she could wear for the wedding she's attending in Gothernburg. The whole weekend alone - I like it. We found clothes that she had put away for our vacation in the Philippines. Slowly we started putting together outfits for different occasions,
and I was extremely pleased with what I had put together for myself. Vacation countdown: 20 days left!

Nachtzauber

Hibernate

~from my issues.

I just want to lie under my blanket in my bed and cry.

A Midsummer Nights Dream

~have you ever read that play? It's really good!


I work. I study. But I don't play. I have no time for play, and I'd rather not have the economy to play either. I'm off to Asia within less than a month and for the first time I have to stand for my own costs. Growing up, sucks!

Not only the fact that you have to pay for yourself, but right about everything gets harder. Making true friends gets harder, picking a path in life gets harder, parents get harder, you get harder, issues gets harder - even walking gets harder.


Yesterday I met Julia. Our Jules who moved to Brighton last September, and whom we haven't seen since then. I was so happy to see her, my childhood friend and a great friend, who I'll never let go of. She's doing great and I haven't seen her so happy as she was yesterday in a very long time. Julia really radiated of joy and happiness, and I who have always thought that I was happy noticed that I'm destructively putting up a facade. I'm not so happy after all. Things aren't going the way I've planned, I have no control of things and I can't let go of my current position in life to see where it {life} will take me. I'm too scared and I hope for too much.

Helen was released the day before yesterday from the hospital. She'll be flying home on Sunday and tomorrow she will host a farewell dinner. Last time when I visited her (which would be Tuesday), we had a walk around the premises and sat ourselves on a bench. I spilled out my childhood to her, every wretched detail and she declared me as "definitely messed up". And I agree.

I used to be able to be a normal girl. Never fail in chitchat and conversation, no matter what the subject was. Process information easily, store it in my head. Reasonable and very logical. Always doing well and never socially incompetent. However, I fear that I have become and odd humanbeing. It might as well all be in my head, but I can't possibly know.

I have to clean this flat ASAP since Habiba just called and said she'd come over. I could really use my childhood friends as much as possible right now. I miss them so badly, with them I can be me without thinking and without forgiving myself for my actions. I miss Julia the most, because she's furthest away from us. We all live in the same city but rarely meet - why is that? [And I wish, time wouldn't be an excuse.]



Before I go I must list the professions that I have seriously considered; musician, pediatrician, gynecologist, doctor, lawyer, economist, financial advisor (although this includes in the previous profession) and mathematician.


I have scrapped most of it, so that I can come down to two paths: lawyer or economist.

So why does my mother infiltrate my mind when she spontaniously asks me

"Have you ever considered becoming a doctor?"

Perhaps it's because she's a certified nursing assistant...

A Wonderful Sunday

~floating on a cloud


Last Sunday was wonderful! I was completely high on happiness.
What raised my spirits was the concert at Stockholms Concerthall. It was the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra with the conducter Gustavo Dudamel. Did I love it? YES!

It was unbelievable. They were so good and I was so happy to sit there and have the privilege to listen to them. It was completely sold out too. So many people from Venezuela were there, and for once in your life - there was an enormous warmth in that room which I've never felt before. It bothers me to admit that we Swedes are very withdrawn and dull. We're sometimes too formal that it bores me to death, and I am so glad that for this concert we let loose and tossed the dullness aside!
Before the concert began, when entrance was being taken, the applause were much more different; more welcoming and in a way full of longing. The Venezuelan wave took over, you applauded "with all your might and heart". The orchestra was spectacular. These kids (okay, they're not really kids, more like 22ish) really listened to each other and connected. They had a perfect understanding, the conducter had no scores in front of him and at one point he just stood and waved the beat while they kept playing on. How remarkable isn't that!? And this is a youth orchestra! As the concert ended and applaudes were being collected, I'll tell you - it was the best thing ever. Standing ovations, applaudes that lasted for ever, red-pink and sore palms... and the one time in your life when you can toss this dull etiquette of ours aside - we cheered, whistled and roared! Everyone seemed to go quite bezerk, and I wondered if the Berlin Philharmonics recieved this much gratitude as well?


Either way, it was immensly great! Bravo! Perfecto! Bravissimo! etc, etc... A great programme.

Carreño: Margariteña
Ginastera: Fyra danser ur Estancia
Stravinsky: Våroffer
Dvorák: Slavisk dans nr 8 g-moll (extranummer)
Bernstein: Mambo ur Symfoniska danser ur West Side Story (extranummer)


All the pieces were beautiful, and naturally my ultimate favourite (apart from the marvelous and humorous Mambo) was Stravinsky. No surprise there if one's favourite composer is Shostakovich, I'm bound to love Stravinsky too.
However, the best performance was Bernstein's Mambo. It really lifts your spirits, and you can't help but get carried away with it. Oh, how I wished that my mother had just forced me with the violin instead of piano. Just sitting there watching; I badly wanted to go home and pick up the cello again, work my way up so I too could be a part of it! It was freekin' splendid!!!

After the concert, I felt like running down the street humming out the Mambo piece and yelling Mambo where ever I went. But I did no such thing of course...
Ending the night, the girls and I went to visit Helen. We watched the match between Germany and Australia. Do I need to clarify who won with 4-0? No offense, but the land down under had no chance against Deutschland.

All in all, the day was fantastic, and the soccer game was the cherry on top!

WATCH THIS VIDEO! And you will understand why I got so high last Sunday.

It was amazng to watch. You wanted to stand and yell MAMBO with them. Look at the fun! They dance with their instruments and let loose and just play together. Fantastic things that I wish I could be a part of (and I bet you do too).

Look what I found

~Graduation concert: Beethoven sonata 25 in G Major [2009]

Sorry about this video. Crappy sound and picture! And not my best preformance, some major mistakes. The original video was lost. It's so strange that this was a year ago...

Oh! And if you'd like to know which part was my favourite to play, it was the second movement a small passage at 4:58.

To the left: Me getting ready for the concert. To the right: Julia (violin), Eric (vocals/viola) and I (piano ...obviously!)

Fill my wardrobe with...

~Reem Acra, Marchesa, Ted Baker, Elie Saab, Azzedine Alaïa, etc.


Lately I've actually had time to go through some Autumn-Winter 10-11 collections by my favourite designers. I also checked up some new ones whom I've never heard of before.

Check out Elie Saab's AW10-11 collection, especially the jewelries. And also (one of my absolute favourites - big time!) Reem Acra's collections and jewelry. If I had the money, I would've bought all of Reem Acra's garment. One of my favourites is the one I posted on December 1st.

Other designers I keep an eye out on are; Marchesa, Azzedine Alaïa, Roland Mouret, Stephane Rolland, Caroline Seikaly, Matthew Williamson, etc. The list is slightly long.


Back to my mathematics then...

designs by Reem Acra

Modern Day Machines

~experiencing a shooting


Imagine this...

You're walking in the sun, in the city. A safe neighborhood which you semi-grew up in because you went to school there your whole life. You're listening to your iPod on max, pondering on what to wear for tonight. You see two busses pulling up, you hear a small noise resembling a firecracker, you leave your thoughts for a second, a man in front of you runs along the street. You keep walking and have never stopped - more people run, but this time against you like a stampeed. You notice that you are alone on the street, your stomach takes a turn. You pull out one earphone and hear someone behind you yell, to someone hiding a bit further on, to run back to the end of the street. That person runs and tells you to run too. You're gone in mind. Then slowly comprehending what you've recently picked up by ear, you slowly turn your body around and follow them. Behind the corner in safety a couple speaks of blood, while others say gunshots. Someone got shot and all you think is "that could've been me".



What I'm telling you to imagine is what I experienced today. A shooting in Stockholm. It was so surreal, just like anything else this serious that I have ever encountered. I was at the same spot as a man got shot, I basically had front row seats. And what kind of makes me a bit speechless about it is that I could've come inbetween the firing. I wasn't far from it, and had I not by accident taken a detour from the park I would have been exactly between the man who dismissed the gun and his victim. Thank God for my mistaken detour!

I wonder if the body subconciously detects what is going on, because the part that I describe as your stomach turning, actually felt like a bullet had already hit you at that exact part of your body. You just aren't sure yet about what it is that is going on, so you dismiss it as your stomach turning. I only stayed at that spot with the others until the police came, then I left. I had somewhere to go to and a time to watch.

As I walk on the other side of the street to get somewhere, I wondered how come I didn't react as strongly as one of the other witness'. Why was I not traumatized and shocked and speechless? Have I grown immune? I must admit I have been through many serious and shocking experiences. I once was close to being punched by a nazi when I was twelve in the subway, and if my body didn't on the count of reflex dodge him, I could've ended up having some severe beatings. When I was young, I also saw a girl who was a meter away from me fall onto the tracks when the train I usually caught to school came. I saw how she fell, heard how she hit the trains windsheild and screamed as she fell and was run over by it. I've even experienced domestic violence. I've seen many people unconcious, so unconcious that peramedics were called for emergency. Or like today, I saw a graduate who was unconcious on the ground outside a department store, his friend speaking to the police as the peramedics where trying to get him in the ambulance. The rest of the graduating class were 5 meters away and kept on cheering and celebrating their graduation - so insensitive, selfish and cold... no care whatsoever. another thing that happened today was that two railroadworkers where run over by a commuter train. One died, while the other one only had his legs injured. For this to be a day of joy for all the HS-graduates... a lot of awful things have happened. Somehow it feels as if I'm next on the Grim reapers list, all of these horrible things I see. I wonder if I'm the only one who has seen so many awful things? Probably not, or I know I'm not but amongst my circle of friends it feels like it. Otherwise I suppose I'm more like one to speak out about what I experience.

The main part about why I'm writing this is due to my quick recovery. I wasn't in an enormous state of shock. I found a way to keep walking and to stay sane. I found a way to not get too obsessed with the fact that I could've gotten inbetween. And then two minutes later I pass another graduated class who are all peachy keen. Some drunk guys offered me to celebrate with them. I merely said no, and my mind added there was a shooting further down the street, just a couple of minutes ago. It was if the shooting never took place. I kept moving, getting on with my agenda - like a machine. Is that what has become of us? Is that why we no longer have a strong moral courage in our respective states? Is this why it keeps diminshing and we appear more selfish? Is it because we day by day, increasingly resemble machines?

We eat, we sleep, we work - we stick to our agenda. If anything gets in the way, we find a way around it - because we need to stick to our agenda. Our agenda is important to us, and it mustn't be disturbed.


Accidents happen everywhere, all the time. And when you end up in a situation as I did today, we remember our agenda to forget that we were minutes away from possibly malfunctioning...



Articles (they're basically all alike):
http://www.expressen.se/Nyheter/1.2012558/man-skadad-i-skottlossning-i-centrala-stockholm
http://www.aftonbladet.se/nyheter/article7246575.ab
http://www.dn.se/sthlm/man-gripen-efter-skottlossning-i-stockholm-1.1116912
http://www.svd.se/nyheter/inrikes/man-skjuten-i-centrala-stockholm_4820295.svd

Exam and Graduation

I just got home from my last Exam for Beginners in German II. It went so bad, I'm so ashamed! I know that I kow more than I showed on the test. It's just that I haven't found my way around things the last week. I couldn't find my study routine and I've kept falling behind. I've also been more focused on the friends that I have who are leaving and the news/updates on Gaza. Been trying to keep myself active in that area. so it has all taken over my study time. I'm fully exhausted! Late nights, overload of German spinning around in my head, balancing work, extra "curricular" activities... I even got a headache this evening.


I sat almost the full 3 hours and afterwards I wound up at Helens to be fed some great pasta with pesto. Helen, Emily, Marlis and I. Then home, now home. I spotted an awesome cloud on my way home (I'll be posting a picture of it here.)

So, tomorrow is a big day! As one can hear from miles away, all HS Seniors are graduating to and fro. Tomorrow it is Mathildas time to run out in her white dress through the doors to freedom. I'll be there, Louise will be there, others will be there, her family will be there...

I kind of would like to graduate again. The whole process is fun. Very liberating, which it should feel like with all right.

Protect the ship Rachel Corrie!

~I've been a bit slow with the news, I know.


Bless Ireland for sending another ship to Gaza! I hope that it will reach its destination and help the people who are barricaded there. I also hope that the people onboard the ship won't be targets of violence. However, DN (Dagens Nyheter, a Swedish newspaper) informed us readers that the Jerusalem Post has confirmed that an anonymous Marine Officer tells that when they boarded the first ship, they acted as if it was war and that the next time this happens they will be using bigger forces.

Irelands Prime Minister Brian Cowen has threatened Israel that if any of the passengers on board Rachel Corrie gets injured, Israel will be suffering severe consequences. I think that is right said, this has gone way out of line and Israel must be madly blind and stupid to not see what it is they're doing. Not only does the Secretary-General of the UN Ban Ki-Moon (Ban is his family name, so western-wise we would say Ki-Moon Ban) demand this barricade to seize, the whole World is. Can you be more blind when the whole World is revolting?

To show support and responsibility as a citizen of planet Earth, here is another petition to sign for the protection of Rachel Corrie:

http://www.namnlista.se/ship-to-gaza-skydda-rachel-corrie/

So the US proposed Nethanyahu an independent commission of inquiry. Let's hope it gets done, but the newspapers say that the political sources in Israel have told him not to rush into to his decision.

Also BBC and Sky [News] have decided to refuse Gaza aid appeal. Why? (And I sort of understand, they want to be all diplomatic and shit, but this is like a major exception. This is not the time to be diplomatic when devastating events shock the whole world.) This is taken directly from cnn.com "Sky News said airing the appeal would compromise its reputation for fairness".

It only states Sky News but I suppose if two newspapers support each other in action, it's because of the same reason. I say support the majoring voice in this World. We don't want to mistakenly say that it is by any chance okay to barricade people! We are trying to say the opposite and bring back sanity.

Update: The "Gaza: Investigate the raid, end the blockade"-petition has reached 300,000 signatures and it's still being signed! (I wonder if I could get my mother to sign it? She's not so fond of signing petitions because she's afraid that her name might end up in the wrong hands.I can understand that though.)

Putting a smile on a hollow body

~I'm drained. I'm empty.

I can't describe it. I can't even understand it. I don't even know the cause.

I have managed to get through this day by putting a smile on my face. I have managed to keep myself busy with mandatory things that I can't by any chance postpone. Then I finally reached home. I sat myself down and I tried to keep myself busy and distracted by studying for my exam tomorrow...

...but I can't. I just really can't. I can't because I feel empty and hollow - and I don't know why.

I feel like repeating those two things because that's all I can say about my current state.

I hope this will pass, I hope I'll get lucky tomorrow on my exam, I really hope it will fix itself soon. The feeling is dreadful...

Gaza petition update

~things are looking a bit brighter.


According to the petitions website (http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_flotilla_3/?cl=590385993&v=6404); within less than 24 hours there were over 200,000 names signed and the number keeps on increasing. The new goal is 300,000.

The petition was sent to the UN and action was taken. Perhaps not a large one, but something we can rejoice about is that the UN has approved an international investigation.

Please sign if you already haven't!

http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_flotilla_3/?cl=590385993&v=6404

Take action - NOW!

Dear Readers,

what is happening in Gaza is insane and inhumane! What we have acknowledged in the news, especially these past two days, is horrific. We all need to show opposition to the Israelian raid, we need to put our foot down for our government and other governments for them to take action. We all need to take responsibility as humanbeings for everyones humanitary rights, and strive for justice. The least we all can do, is to sign a petition to show our consensus and support for the Palestinians!

I was provided this link via our Amnesty International group at SU. Please sign!
"The petition will be delivered to the UN and world leaders, as soon as it reaches 200,000 names -- and again at every opportunity as it grows and leaders choose their responses. A massive petition at a moment of crisis like this one can demonstrate to those in power that sound bites and press releases aren't enough -- that citizens are paying attention and demanding action." (With hope; Ricken, Alice, Raluca, Paul, Iain, Graziela and the rest of the Avaaz team.)


http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_flotilla_3/?cl=590385993&v=6404



I have signed, and hope that you too will sign.
They need our help and support.

Reykjavik Reykjavik, home of Bjork!

The last screening of Cinema Politica for this semester (hopefully they'll be back next semester with equally as good if not better documentaries). And the last screening was Dreamland, a documentary on mainly the natural resources but also a bit on the enviormental issues, living issues and the whole she-bang about Icelands future.

Quite interesting, and at the end there was a Skype-session for questions and answers with the director (or writer of the book which the documentary was based on). Catch for this Skype-session was; that the one who had the best question would win a can of ashes from that volcanoe that "recently" erupted (Eyjafjallajökull).

So much more to say about Dreamland but I'm too tired and my bed is looking very good over there in the corner...


Links to Dreamland:
http://dreamland.is/
http://www.cinemapolitica.org/node/1332
Watch it!