The act of letting go

I don't really know why letting go is so hard to do. Why do people say that they are over someone when they actually are not? Why do we cause ourselves so much suffering instead of trying to heal?

The act of letting go is an impossible act!

Sehnsucht nach Berlin

Berlin was amazing. I miss the boys. I miss the city and it's country. I miss the language. I miss it all!

The clubs we went to were amazing. The boys seem to have found awesome friends. As much as I loved my Erasmus in Heidelberg, I almost wish I did my Erasmus together with the boys. I bet Sofia feels the same about that point...

I think I felt very alive during those 48hrs with the best people ever in the best city ever. Now it's all changed and I don't understand what I am doing in this country being upset and annoyed with life. After I've graduated I am moving to Germany. I need to be in Berlin. I need to live there and breathe it! I have found home. Simple as that.

Hysterie

Last night I dreamt that I was having a hysterical break down and was running after something I was looking for. Why? Well, I know why but don't feel like sharing it at the moment.

This Mädel needs to gehen ins Bett..

By the way, I have to mention: life can be pretty great at times. I'm hoping that my down is starting to turn to an up.

That's all.

Happy 22!

I have intended to write a post about my birthday that occurred last Tuesday (the 9th Oct.) but never got around to it. Everyone has asked me how it feels and really, I have felt nothing. No bigger change and I guess that is what it is like nowadays. However, I guess I am quite excited about being 22. From what I have heard it is supposed to be a good age - that's what Matilda and Helen told me today.

Now let me take a leap forward and tell you all about my Friday night. I expected to meet Mathilda (note that this is not the same Mathilda as the one I mentioned previously! And their names are not spelled the same.) in town. Little did I know, that she was never going to show up, and stubbornly I stayed put at the central station waiting for her and ordered a semi-dinner and wrote a motivational letter for Munich. We were supposed to meet up with Helen for Fredagsmys or as I thought; a night out in town not clubbing. Mathilda insisted that I leave for Helen's while Helen was trying to lure me to hers with cake. Yet I stayed stubborn and put at the station, with my wrap. Then eventually Mathilda called and gave me some story (which I know see as surreal) and which eventually made me make up my mind and head for Helen's. As I arrive Helen was all dressed up, to which I commented, and we rode the elevator up to her floor. Now, it is a bit important to know that I needed to go to the bathroom quite badly. I expected us to stop by Helen's room but she sort of pushed me forward towards the kitchen saying that she had forgotten her keys in there. I opened the kitchen door and waited for her to go get them but then she just shoved me in and I thought "geez! wonder why I need to go in to? and I need to go to the bathroom". Then suddenly I enter and sort of greet a girl who lives on the same floor, look to my right and see Sofia and thought to myself "what is she doing here?". Helen nudges me towards the room next door and voila! there are my closest friends all gathered to surprise me for my birthday!!! How awesome isn't that!? Such sweet people and I was basically in shock. I even thought that I was dreaming and was wondering how three different circle of friends could all stand in the same room and act as if they've known each other for as long as I've known them. You can't find better friends than these. I was at loss for words. At one point I even got a bit teary-eyed. Then I even cursed the semi-dinner I bought, haha. And as if a two-course dinner with dessert wasn't enough, I even got presents! Pretty much unbelievable. The best friends ever, and the only person missing there was Mathilda. It was amazing and I never would have imagined throwing me a surprise party. With that I would like to give some special thanks to Helen for being the most awesome friend ever. She means so much to me.

Since I have been in a bit of a bad mood, well maybe not bad but a sad mood, this was definitely a good pick-up! Knowing that your friends care so much to go this far for you is simply beyond words. And therefor I'd like to finish with Florence who (subconsciously) for this age is the soundtrack of my life.

Happy 22!
May every aspect in life get better with age.

Planning ahead

Whilst being in bed, trying to recover from this cold I have gotten, I have been trying to get as much homework as possible done so that I can finally have the energy to deal with my BA-thesis (yes, I'm still on square one). In between I watch movies, or catch up on various TV shows that I have been missing out on, catching up on sleep (not that sleep is easy when you have a cold). And now I seem to find myself planning ahead, like way ahead. The movies I have been watching lately are your average, cheesy, American teen movies, or awesome childhood, movie-adapted books, e.g. The Chronicles of Narnia, Philip Pullman's Northern Lights (although the Americans are always so special and change the title so the movie's named The Golden Compass). Anyways, point is: I have been on amazon looking for boxed editions of these books. Why? Because when I get my own children, I will be reading these books to them as goodnight stories. Simple as that. Now, isn't that some real future planning?

Sad part is that I spend time looking for boxed sets and then question which set is better or prettier instead of studying. Schiller's Die Räuber has basically been lying next to me in bed for the past four hours. Maybe I should get cracking... Yet I can't keep myself from thinking which books I would start off with first? His Dark Materials, The Chronicles of Narnia, and then Harry Potter? Or The Chronicles of Narnia, His Dark Materials, and then Harry Potter? Or should I introduce Harry Potter earlier on?

In sickness and in health

Lately I've been stuck in my room for multiple reasons, but the most relevant reason is due to my cold. It had a good timing since I didn't miss any of my German classes this week, however, I did miss out on my tennis class (turned out that it was shit according to one of my course mates, they got a substitute since our teacher Eugine/Yevgny/"some Lithuanian or Belarussian name" was sick too. Is there even a word such as Belarussian? Sorry, I meant adjective. Obviously.). But thanks to my waterbottle, me filling it up every hour and running to the bathroom every end of an hour, I think I've gotten most of the virus out of my body. I'm feeling pretty good though; no coughs and just a slightly clogged nose. This should mean that I can go play tennis with Catherine on Sunday. Catherine is Swiss and is here for a semester, unless she's already been here since January, and studies Swedish. Pretty cool since I always think that nobody wants to learn Swedish. Apparently the Germans and Swiss people do! (See, that's why I like the German language and people!!)

Anyways. even though I'm feeling loads better I still can't focus on homework. I've been trying to study French the whole day long but haven't done shit until now. And at the moment, I'm even taking a break after one hour. My teacher thought it would be good if I faire un résumé sur les trois séquences A, B et C, which I find really boring because when I try to write a summary I end up using the same verbs and it just ends up looking like plagiarism, and we are being taught at uni to not plagiarize. I've heard teachers nag about that since I was studying at Heidelberg and all that German scandal broke out in the media.

What else? Well, whilst being sick I have been a very good sport. Despite the cold I managed to clean the flat, iron every piece of garment left in the clean-laundry basket, bake cinnamon rolls (4th of October = cinnamon Roll Day! ...at least in Sweden, it is.), recycle and pay (more) bills. I even managed to cook some awesome dinner and lunch. Oh yeah! This sick girl is on fire.

Maybe I should get back to mes devoirs.
Bisous!

Rootless Tree

And she began playing tennis...

Ladies and Gentlemen - I have recently taken up tennis classes at Frescati. If it is any good or not, I can't tell quite yet. However, I have purchased a pair of tennis shoes (they look pretty darn good) and borrow a racket from the teacher.

In my group there are two more girls/women. One is from Ireland (spouse of a Swede and a mother too) and the other is from Zürich, Switzerland (am I excited to have a German speaker in my class? YES!). Both have played quite a bit, and I have too but it was ages ago. I embarrassed myself a bit but I could have been worse. So, so far so good.

Tennis class did make me realize that I am so weak, physically wise. I need to build up my body and get it strong (like when I danced ballet) and just buff up with a bit of muscles. Maybe that will finally help my posture. Either way, I am soon off to KTH and going to go for some "motionssim" - hopefully my bathing suite still fits me.

Ciao,
from a suddenly active Bianca.

Childhood infuses me

So is it goodbye?
Is it time to set you free?
Is it time to let it fly?
Is it time to let it bleed?
We used to take turns
To cover up the pain
Deep below it burns
And the feeling still remains

You're gonna find someone new
I really hope you do
'Cause I love you
And the sun will come on through,
It's gonna shine for you
'Cause I adore you

Yes we gave it a try
But maybe for too long
Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn

You're gonna find someone new
I really hope you do
'Cause I love you
And the sun will come on through,
It's gonna shine for you
'Cause I adore you

And the road travels on
But I'm still near you
In my life, like a song
I will still hear you
Still
Sun will shine for you
'Cause I adore you...

Übersetzung und Elin Manahan hilft mir

Ich übersetzte grad ins Deutsch. Alles für Montag, wenn ich wieder im Unterricht sitzen muss. Aber darüber kann ich mich nicht beklagen - die Lehrerin ist einfach toll und super nett, macht alles schon viel interessanter.
Der Text lautet "Der Papst besucht seine Heimat". Passend für eine junge Katholikin...

Dagegen muss ich erwähnen, wie zauberhaft Elin Manahan ist. Ich liebe ihre Stimme und sie macht alles einfacher und leichter beim Lernen. Ich merke sofort, wie ich auch zurück zu klassischer Musik gehe. Die ist natürlich ein Teil von meiner Kindheit und meine alte Flamme (Klavier). Schön zu wissen, dass ich sie immer noch schätzen kann.

Ich teil mit, einem Lied von der Manahan gesungen (geht nur, wenn man Spotify hat). Viel Spaß!

Elin Manahan Thomas – Morgen

Ich brauche mehr Sommer ...und mehr Geld.

Ich brauche einfach mehr Zeit.

I've been thinking...

To release my mind and heart from so much emotion, perhaps I should try to write a novel or a book?

After all, it is one of my goals in life so I might get started on that one.

And the deadline won't have to exist.

Euphoria

I am so psyched and happy that Loreen won the Eurovision Song Contest this year! That means that we (Stockholm) will be hosting next year. It HAS to be Sthlm, it is (after all) the capital. Malmö and Gothenburg has nothing against us.

I was so pumped once Eurovision started. I usually don't even care about it, but for some reason I knew that I had to watch it this year - and obviously there was a good reason for it. We didn't win the world championship in ice hockey but we won Eurovision. So I'm quite content. Had Russia won Eurovision too - well then there would have been some major issues. And had any other country: only minor issues. Loreen certainly gave our nation Euphoria though. I'm really excited about next year!

During Eurovision my mother and I exchanged interesting comments. I thought I would list them. So here they come:

Bianca's and Mom's Thoughts on Eurovision 2012

Albania - 

Bjork in disguise or her evil twin? Her looks make one think of a witch or an evil queen (especially the one who wants to kill Snow White). Nickname: The dying Swan.

UK - 

Please let Humperdinck retire! And don't ever pull that stunt again.

Italy - 

Amy Winehouse resurrected? Although the singer looks way better than Winehouse ever did. And since Italy never gave Sweden any points, they can definitely forget our potential plan of going to Rome (not that we affect their whole tourism - if only!).

Russia - 

It's like having nine versions of the witch who lured Hansel and Gretel in to her candy cottage on stage. Charming at first sight, but on second thought they have an evil master plan that involves toothless smiles and mysterious buns...

Germany - 

[Bianca] Mom, this was what I was talking about today! He looks like a less hotter version of C.

[Mom] Hmm... No. I think he looks like L when he wore that beanie.

[Bianca] What!? Omg, no! There's no similarity whatsoever.

[Bianca fishing up her cellphone and finding a picture of C] Look! So alike, just not as hot as C.

[Mom] No. I still think that L looks more like him. When he had that beanie on. By the way, C is not hotter than the singer, the singer is better than C.
[Bianca officialy annoyed] No mom. You obviously do not know what you're talking about. You haven't seen C in real life with his beanie on.

[Mom] You obviously won't accept the fact because you got stood up.

[Bianca] ...

Ireland -

[Thoughts from Jenn] It's like Nickolodeon exploded...

There were some very good songs this year. I have even made a Spotify playlist with the ones I like! (Romania, Cyprus, Norway, Italy, Denmark, Germany, Hungary,and for some reason Switzerland.)

One participant who didn't get past semi-finals was Austria. Now, I need to explain that this is a hate-love thing. Just like it is with Disco Pogo. Yet I seem to find enough love as much as hate for this "Atzen Musik" (if that is the correct term to describe Austria's song) and I can't help but have their song stuck in my head... Now get it stuck in yours so I won't have to be alone about it!

Am Ende kommt die Dekadenz, aber kommt der Vitalismus auch?

So this semester has been spiraling to become my own decadence. I have been reading about it for the past 6 months and now it seems like these books have been trying to point something out to me. My only question is if vitalism will also be happening some time very soon?

Why decadence? Because that's the best way to define how I have been feeling these past weeks (actually months) and how everything I have hoped for has turned out. The Zerfall of me seems to have taken place, slowly if not quick and hard. So... Decadence because I relate to the female characters that Arthur Schnitzler and Thomas Mann, even Theodor Storm and Gerhart Hauptmann to some extent, have depicted. Because had I been any of the women in Fräulein Else and Tristan, I would have done exactly what they did and their deaths are to me (in a pretty twisted way) beautiful. I can also imagine myself being a femme fragile during the Fin de siècle, on second thought: I probably was a femme fragile in my past life and still am in this life. No wonder why I am fascinated by Freud, Weininger and the philosophy and theory about hysteria and most intriguingly the Geschlechterdebatte. The (Zer)Fall der Frau never seems to bore me and the beauty of their deaths and their thoughts and hysteria are all pretty captivating. (This is probably giving you all the wrong image of me, I am not agreeing with men being the better sex or even the stronger sex, should that be an image you have of me now. I am just fascinated with the decadence and the fin de siècle.) My own feelings have been pretty dark and pessimistic lately, and very similar to the women described in the books I have read. My faith has seemed to wish the worst for me and all I feel is that I am slowly falling into my own modern decadence. Words can't quite describe how bad it all seems to have turned out right now, and frankly, I think everyone is better off not knowing.

Contributions to my decadence: The topic love. How one believes that a romance can regress to friendship, is completely impossible for me to understand. I have tried to understand, and even tried to put it in practice. Results are distressing and to no one's shock, very maddening. Ever heard of "meet me halfway"? Instead of being the only one trying to make an effort and trying to make it work out with respect for the other, without ripping up old wounds, both need to equally contribute to the phony friendship they are trying to maintain. Never ever try to be friends with an old flame - it won't work, at least not to both's benefit.
Another contribution to my decadence is education. As much as I thought I knew what I was doing, apparently I don't. I am basically drowning in a wide-open sea with the darkest tone of black as water. Let's call it (pure*) turpentine instead, because as transparent as turpentine is I apparently manage to fail and be blind to myself. I tend to always lose myself and get lost in the academic world - sometimes I wonder what I am even doing in it.
One of the least expected contributions is ice hockey. I have no idea why I am suddenly so obsessed with this sport and when Sweden didn't even qualify for the semi-finals my heart felt very heavy. What could ice hockey even substitute? In my life, I cannot find anything that could to the slightest bit be associated to ice hockey. Nevertheless, I have seriously considered becoming an ice hockey wife. Not that I am sure what it would require of me or what that lifestyle is like - I just know that ice hockey has been the only uplifting thing in my life this year. The one thing I have been looking forward to and that has nearly become my bible. However, (as I previously mentioned) the loss against the Czech Republic was a hard loss to accept. And how unexpected is it that Slovakia slid in on second place? I never really saw them coming.
One of the last contributions is funerals. I hate them, not that I think anybody loves them, but I cannot deal with loss. I do not know what to do, how to react, what to say... What I really can't deal with is acknowledging someone's death. Uttering the words, letting it slip out of my mouth to become reality is the hardest thing for me to do and accept. And I never react until it is time for the funeral, because that is the last evidence of death that is slapped across your face. I tend to pretend like death never happens, however, it's hard to pretend once you see a coffin and hear the sobs of family members. Although I wasn't close to my aunt's husband, he was still a part of our family tree. My sorrow was more for my aunt and a part of my disappointment for choosing not to attend the funeral, something I believe is one of my many mistakes in life.

Und wann kommt der Vitalismus? In literature and in Fin de siècle, vitalism came after the fall (in the books, the death of the women) in form of a new life, a new beginning (in the books, they were all in the form of babies). This semester is finally coming to an end. One week left with one exam and a presentation to go. I need to pull it off, one way or another. Then summer vacation begins, something I have been looking forward to very much. So hopefully this summer will act as my Vitalismus. I will be needing it badly.


*If turpentine isn't pure then it has a yellow-brownish color and a very characteristic smell to it. Therefor, I needed to distinguish which type of turpentine I was talking about.

När VM börjar ta på nerverna...

Så här ligger det till: Jag har aldrig varit en fan av ishockey. Sket i att kolla på matcher, hade ingen lust att höra om det, blev irriterad på ALLA som visade ett intresse för det. Nej, nej nej! Ishockey skulle aldrig vara på min "radar". Men sen hände något i år. Vad det var, vet jag absolut inte, men det hände i något utav den här stilen...

Någonstans kring slutet av Februari, kanske början av Mars, så bestämde jag mig för att kolla upp fotbolls EM. Hur det gick till vet jag inte riktigt heller, men en dag fick jag bara för mig det. (Det måste ha varit under den perioden då jag blev lite deppig och skoltrött.) Jag kollade upp datumen, såg att det hela inte kör igång förrän i juni. Great - dvs en evighet tills dess. Sedan var det en massa stå-hej om Melodifestivalen och vem som var bäst lämpad till att respresentera Sverige i Baku = that means Eurovision Song Contest. Mmm, det blev ju Loreen. Inte min favorit, fastän jag tycker annorlunda idag. Jag kollade upp datum och tydligen blir det om cirka två veckor - dvs. att på just den tiden ansågs det vara "en evighet" igen. Ja, sen dök VM i ishockey upp. Den 4:e maj. TV4. BOOM! Sverige vs. Norge. 3-1. Och då dök den där gnistan av "national pride" upp ur ingenstans - komiskt, då jag aldrig har känt mig svensk - men nu jävlar kom det. Äntligen! Att känna sig som "international waters" är fan inte kul. Att känna en längtan efter Finland men veta att man aldrig kommer att kunna känna sig finsk eller vara finsk, att dessutom i vissa få ögonblick i sitt liv känna sig som en filippinsk när man är på andra sidan jordklotet men aldrig kunna vara det - det suger så jädrans hårt och man skulle lika gärna kunna kalla sig Bourne Identity, eller något i den stilen. So finally, där kom den svenska andan i mig och jag blev besatt av ishockey. Jag följer VM:et väldigt troget: kollar på de matcher jag kan, skriker som en babian mot teven, diskuterar matcherna gladligen med kurs kamrater som hellre bryr sig om fotboll eller litteraturvetenskap, uppdaterar mig om ALLT i alla tidningar/hemsidor/TV-kanaler - you name it! Vill ni veta hur det hela har gått till en överdrift? När jag vaknar av väckarklockan, stänger av den, öppnar IIHF:s officiella hemsida för att kolla uppdateringarna på Power Ranking för att se om Sverige har flyttat sig upp eller ner, ser resultatet (eller inte hittar någon uppdatering), sätter väckarklockan på snooze, somnar om och skiter i allt annat som är viktigare, som t.ex. plugget och alla tentor. Bra Bianca, mycket bra.... Fan vad jag har förändrats!

Verbalt har jag nog också förändrats. Igår när det var Sverige - Ryssland (en väldig smärtsam match) flög så många svärord på en massa olika språk (eller okej, tre språk!) ur min mun. Min mamma var på väg att få ett utbrott så som jag lät. Jag kan ju förstå henne med, så jag ska inte lägga till något där. Däremot vill jag bara säga hur Ryssland har sjunkit ännu längre ner på min lista. Deras politik är ju ett skämt, men att de ska spela så fruktansvärt fult, trotts att de har sjukt duktiga spelare, är bara alldeles för lågt. Yemelin borde ha åkt ut på en gång innan Franzén fick mer oförtjänade smällar och fysiska skador från motståndarlaget (mannen fick bl.a. ta emot både en spearing och en crosschecking). Oacceptabelt Ryssland! Däremot är jag glad att Malkin (Rysslands "secret weapon") inte sjönk lika lågt som sina lagkamrater utan höll sig till sina strålande skott. Visst är det riktigt surt att vi förlorade 7-3 och att matchen spirade ur som den gjorde, men jag tror att problemet ligger egentligen inte i att Ryssland vann och vi förlora, utan att de spelade fult och "under bordet". Jag ska inte ens börja diskutera domarna - det kommer sluta med en "rage attack". Sen kan man nog inte skylla allt på Ryssland. Sverige började starkt och dominant, men givetvis tappar vi energin och så snabbt motståndarlaget tar ledningen (och det här har jag faktiskt lagt märke till även om de inte tar ledningen) får Tre Kronor någon sorts hysteri! Mot slutet blev det många skott, som jag personligen tyckte var onödiga bara för att man visste att de inte skulle tjäna till något och att målvakten skulle stoppa den, och mycket ofokuserat spel. Vi såg ut som katter ute på djupt vatten - inte okej. Vi kunde ha varit bättre men när det gäller Ryssland så är det som vi önskar hade varit bättre ibland det bästa vi har. Synd var det mest om Franzén, men glad var jag när han gav igen - jag menar, måste vi alltid vara så försiktiga och lagom? Vid slutet av dagen är det ju ändå hockey. Pucklar de på oss, borde vi ge tillbaks lika hårt.

En annan spelare jag tyckte synd om var Viktor Fasth. Sju insläppta mål måste vara svårt att ta in och idag gav han igen (även om det var Italien) genom att inte släppa in några alls. Däremot är det som sagt Italien de mötte idag - ingen kommentar. Dock var Sverige lite sega i början och lite borta verkade det som, men segern var naturligtvis vår och till kvartsfinal kommer vi, förhoppningsvis även lite längre (vad sägs som final?). Men att ta ut segern i förskott är alltid dumt. Något jag tycker att Niklas Wikegård inte håller med om. Idag när han kommentera sa han med all säkerhet att vi skulle slå Tjeckien, ta oss till semifinal och dessutom final. Och sen tyckte jag faktiskt att det lät som om han sa att vi skulle vinna hela rubbet. Inte för att vi inte vill, för det vill vi ju, men att kaxa så pass mycket i för väg är inte alltid så smart. För när man får äta upp sina ord, är inte det det trevligaste.


Men för att avsluta det hela på en positiv ton: HEJJA TRE KRONOR!!! VI KOMMER ATT KLARA DET OCH KOMMA TILLBAKS STARKA OCH FOKUSERADE!

Bild från DN 30:e mars 2011.

Nu blir det bums in i sängen. Sömnlös tjej här...

Prepping for an exam you cannot prep for

Today has come down to the point when I have received my first massive head ache in ages. Tomorrow will be my second exam and another study session for our oral literature exam the following days. Tonight, however, is the game between Sweden and Russia: yes folks, I'm talking about ice hockey world championship. It will be interesting and I seriously hope Sweden can defeat Russia. It would make my night and my so-far-not-the-best day in my life.

Meanwhile, as I am waiting for the game to begin, although I really only want to go to bed, I am reading German newspapers. Old ones only, because buying German newspapers or magazines is so expensive in this expensive country. It is all to prep for my exam tomorrow which you technically cannot prep for. The exam seeks to assess our writing skills and if there has been any improvements at all. The bar is raised and a few mistakes are less likely to be tolerated. To summarize a Swedish text auf Deutsch might seem a piece of cake and a dance on roses, but from my experience it really isn't. So I will be using all of those four hours to my advantage and my Duden Wörterbuch (we are allowed a dictionary but it has to be either a Swedish-Swedish or German-German dictionary). Although a dictionary might seem to be a bit unfair to have and a huge helping hand, it might not once you are prohibited to have one in both languages. We will see how it all goes.

So at the moment, as dinner is slowly getting ready and there is only twenty minutes left till the game begins, I have the German version of "Jolie", Focus, Die Zeit and Fragen & Antworten by my side. Passive learning - it could be the key to everything (when it comes to learning languages).

I'll be going on my gut feeling tomorrow. Wish me luck!

i heart BBC Horizon

So first there was Cinema Politica, and then came all of the documentaries on TV. And now? BBC Horizon.
I love documentaries like the ones available on BBC Horizon's YouTube channel.

Currently, I am watching a documentary about dogs (The Secret Life of the Dog) and it is mind blowing to learn what intelligent creatures they are. Also, what they contribute to your life. However, an ice hockey game is starting now so I have to pause the documentary and run and route for Sweden. The opponent: Germany. And I have just heard that Sweden made a goal. So I really have to go ASAP!!!

She has become a sports fanatic

Out of nowhere, just like that, and I am expecting Sweden to win IIHF WC, Eurovision and by some miracle this year's EUFA championship. Although I know that EUFA will not be won by Sweden. You never know though, a miracle might happen - a bit of Das Wunder von Bern wouldn't hurt.

So, evidence that I have turned in to a sports fanatic can be seen in the pictures below:

I rest my case.

P.S. I would just like to add something: Sweden beat Denmark 6-4. Nice ey?

Vive la République?

The presidential election in France is now over and they can now greet their new president François Hollande welcome and the best of luck.

I think that Hollande will be a good change. Following the election a bit too late (more like a week ago), I have not read up on the other candidates who ran for president. Perhaps I would have liked another candidate better, but having read the profiles of both Sarkozy and Hollande, I assume that as long as Sarkozy or any extreme right does not get elected - France should be better off.

Hollande's idea or goal for amending the country's economy seem very logical and fair. Reduce the class divisions and give everyone a chance to survive on their salaries: raising minimum wage is a smart move but I like his idea of installing a raised tax on large corporations and for those with an income higher than 1 million euros per year, better. Sweden removed the "förmögenhetsskatt" (= wealth tax) which I think is pretty bad since the gaps between social classes keep rising and the money is invested on the wrong things. Children and youth, that means to say recreation and education, should come first - sadly, it doesn't.

Well, if Hollande does well and fixes their economy, I believe that Sweden might learn a thing or two from the newly elected president.

IIHF WC 2012

I have no idea where the inner ice-hockey interested Bianca in me emerged from. All I know is that it is here: now! I had a lovely day with co-workers. We had dinner at a co-workers new house and she made some awesome and exotic food (Pakistani food) and I basically acquired a food baby. No joke!

Anyways, I got home at around 9:45pm meaning that I have missed about 1,5hrs of tonight's game between Sweden and the Czech Republic. However, that was okay because I was there for two of the goals that Sweden scored. And just like yesterday, Sweden brings in a second victory: 4-1. Hopefully we'll stay on this path. I would like to see us get to semifinals at the least.
Here is a link from the blog from IIHF's webpage on tonight's game: http://www.iihf.com/fi/competition/272/homeiihf/blog.html

I am looking forward to Monday's match. It's one Scandinavian country against another; Denmark. Daumen drücken!!!

A Friday night with unusual habits

Okay, this will be my third post for today but I seem to keep having things to say and share.
On a Friday night I am at home (as usual) mostly due to work tomorrow at 7am but also because I have gotten too old (21 autumns and still going strong!) to go out clubbing. I hate it! I can't be bothered to dress up- actually I can because styling yourself is always fun and an ego boost - waste money on toxic beverages, scan the room for a potential hottie, get hit on by drunks who slur loudly in my ear, force myself to stay till at least 2am, ride the tube home, walk for ten minutes hoping no one will attack me, then sleepily on my bed try to decide whether I can be bothered to wash off my make-up or fall asleep right there and then but at least getting in to my PJs. Yeah - I don't like that anymore!!! I hate it. And if I go out, it better be a house party or a building party because clubs suck. All you can find there are horny teenagers and sad socialites, or guys who proably wouldn't mind slipping a Flunitrazepam (or also ((infamously)) known as Rohypnol) in your drink.

Anyways, my reason for this post is that I would like to share what I have been doing for the past three hours besides cooking dinner. I decided that it was time to get involved, meaning that I am following the ice-hockey game between Norway and Sweden, so far Sweden is leading and I hope it stays that way because I want to see us win! Norway's team is pretty violent, if anyone else but me saw how this one Norwegian player basically knocked over and bashed one of our players in to their goal. Don't be hating on us, neighbor... Anyways victory is ours Sweden. We won with 3-1. Hurrah! Tomorrow Tre Kronor will hopefully beat the Czech Republic.. Daumen drücken!!!

I also got involved by reading some articles on bbc.co.uk. I thought I should catch up on all this hysteria about the presidential elections in France. A friend of mine once said to me that he couldn't like my Sunday-morning music because the singer, Carla Bruni, is married to a "horrible" man. Little did I know until today, that this "horrible" man was the president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy. Well... after reading about the elections and Sarkozy's as well as Hollande's profiles, I can only say that I understand him. But really? Refusing to like her because of her husband? The line has got to be drawn somewhere. And as I have understood the election seems very ...heated. It will be interesting to see who the new president will be on Sunday. I will go ahead and say that I am more impressed about what Hollande's interests for France are, and my support will go to him. Sarkozy had his five years and now it is time for someone else to give it a better try.
When you wish to update yourself more in detail: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-17947929

One article I read, which I found to be a loss to the world of music and a great loss for his family and friends, was about Adam Yauch's passing. He was the rapper for Beastie Boys and basically a legend in their genre of music. I might not have liked all of their songs but I did grow up hearing their songs, liking about half of them, and recently (since January) I've been listening to their latest album with "Don't Play No Game that I Can't Win" on repeat.

Meanwhile I've been busy I have been playing a song "Lights Out, Words Gone" by Bombay Bicycle Club = I like. Especially the video is extremely cute. I have made up my mind that when I myself retire, I will go and just dance with others, till death. That seems like a nice idea.

 

I love the sky any time of the day

And for some reason, bare feet on wooden boards.

I think it is all because of  the nearness of summer...

Summer is closing in

I think that today, for the first time in a long time, I have just realized that summer is soon here. I have exactly 27 days left of university this semester, and then I can do what I have (almost always) been doing this whole entire semester: faulenzing.

The things I haven't done in what feels like forever, I can finally do! I even listed it all up:

• start playing piano again and cello too
• reading whatever book I want and not the books I am obliged to read by my department
• sketching and drawing again
• lay out in the sun
• Grey's Anatomy marathon and catching up on How I Met Your Mother
• working out outdoors ("5 Min Belly Fat Destroyer" here I come - committed for the beach debut!)
• catching up on politics and German literature; F-O Heinrich has been waiting too long.
• brushing up my German and French

Obviously traveling is a part of it all as well, but that won't happen until the end of July. Fingers crossed for beach vacation in either Portugal or Italy - once my mother has made up her mind. And then Paris - I really hope so. I best be working my ass off this summer, I'll be needing that dough.

There is something small outside my window, up in they sky, shining very bright.

And I am wondering, whether it is a star or a satellite...

Study Habits

I wasted my whole Sunday on Facebook, Skype and Spotify. I even watched some movies. All of this instead of writing and working on my paper. So now I have to get real and meet the deadline, which happens to be today.

What I have noticed though, is that when I study I need a lot of brightness and sun in a room to give me energy, a high ceiling for my thoughts to grow, a white room which is more neutral and spacious so that I won't feel so confined, a big desk with lots of space I do not wish to use in order for my body to feel at ease instead of claustrophobic or for my work to be observed by my neighbor. (I am sure there is supposed to be a comma somewhere in that sentence, but it would not fit in artistically because I want you to feel the anxiety that confined working areas give me.) Back to the topic ® That is really hard to succumb in our flat. It is so tiny and the biggest desk is the kitchen table. So for nine hours of intense work, I did some minor changes in the kitchen...

I will just have to keep my head looking straight forward to the garden outside and pretend I have as much space around me as I wish I did. And look at the sky in front of me and pretend that that is my roof and not the ceiling lamp hanging right on top of my head. Or that the building outside the window is not an obstruct that might potentially cause me to encounter a drought. 

It would not surprise me if I later in life started decorating my own home according to the rules of Fengshui.

I am already getting rid of the clock in the kitchen because I hear it ticking, but mostly because Amelia tells me to.

Click to see what I am talking about: http://www.amelia.se/halsa1-23611/Inred-ditt-hem-med-feng-shui



UPDATE (1406):
I just rewrote my whole thesis because I found it too short and boring. Now it's twice as long and seems a bit more interesting and academic than my first draft of my thesis. However, there are five remaining chapters left waiting to be written. Thankfully I have three pages scribbled down with notes about classical music during the Third Reich, now I just need to turn them into complete sentences and make it work to my advantage.
Meanwhile I am trying to get myself motivated to write this paper and so far dolphin sounds, waves and underwater bubbles bubbling (= Ocean Melodies) have done the trick. Unfortunately it has started to ware out and I wonder what type of music I will need for my next chapter.

UPDATE (1514):

Surely a small break is something I am worth. However, I always reluctantly spoil myself and now I have ended up procrastinating for the past hour. During that hour I; checked Facebook, logged in to the student portal to check if my grade for the syntax course had been posted, ate two different biscuits, had a glass of water, searched for some new study music other than dolphins and nature calling in a language I do not speak and ended up finding a Vivaldi playlist (1h long) that was unbearable because it was remixed, and now I am provlyssna:ing (some Swenglish for you) some playlists on stereomood. It is pretty good once you've settled for one list and stick to it, unlike me who switches lists after every fourth song.

Link: http://www.stereomood.com/

UPDATE (1834):
It appears to me that silence is the best music for studying. Had I been working on this paper two years ago, music would have been vital for me to actually get homework done. However, I guess my love for music has grown so much that I simply cannot ignore it whilst doing something else. Not even if I am reading a book. Perhaps when I draw and sketch, but it has been a while since I could enjoy that on my leisure time.
Soon the second part, or chapter actually, of my paper is done. Next up I will be dealing with Orff's Carmina Burana. Hopefully I will have enough to say about it. And then move on to Beethoven's 9th Symphony. Then that should do it, I will send in what I have ready to my professor, do something else for a change, perhaps bother to start attaching foot notes, source and bibliography. Or get back on Facebook...
The discussion and the conclusion can wait till Friday AFTER I have my next Beratungsgespräch.
Ja wohl! I better get back to my paper before the sun disappears, because once it does - I won't have the energy to (or be bothered to) write anymore.

UPDATE (2003):
Silence works no more for me. And my stomach is growling. Not to mention my huge and ridiculous cravings for chocolate.
Two more hours to go and then it's deadline time.

Facebook, Spotify, Skype and all of this networking shit

This social network needs to end for me. I can't say that I hate facebook, nor I can say that I love it. It is simply a function for procrastination - and it is ruining my life right now. Well, perhaps not my life entirely but definitely my academic life. At the moment it is non-existent. How do I know that? Because I was supposed to work on my paper due tomorrow the whole day today and did nothing. My fingers refused to write on the Word Document I had open, ready to be written and sent to my professor, under Facebook. Damn you FB! (Same goes for Spotify and Skype...)

Okey, so it isn't Facebook's fault entirely (or spotify or Skype, Twitter, 9GAG, and so on and so on...) - I could be more disciplined. The thing is that there is always new things happening on FB; new updates, new pictures, new messages, new comments, etc. And we all turn into stalkers. Suddenly knowing what someone, who you used to go to school with 7 years ago, ate for breakfast got interesting. Suddenly seeing an old flame's new photos of him/her and their new beloved other is no longer you torturing yourself but instead getting yourself a good laugh because they "moved down the ladder and not up", or more likely you hating on them both because that old flame moved up the ladder and you are determined to find a 10 instead of his/her good  and solid 8 to flaunt off. Facebook eventually even makes you think you know people well enough to start passing judgments, until you realize that "no, I just read every detail about their life that I 'accidentally' come across or that they post on their walls and info section" and embarrassingly notice that you are officially a "creepy stalker".

The worst thing about Facebook, however, is this: you commence to fail academic wise. Facebook will not save your ass when you drop out of college and you are unemployed. Instead that piece of news will be spreading like a virus on the news feed and that old flame of yours will definitely confirm that they climbed up the ladder ...way up.



Totally lost my roter Faden somewhere between the three paragraphs. Stupid chocolate cake...

Lieber Patensohn

It is soon that same time of the year when my godson will be celebrating his birthday again. What hurts is that I am on the other side of the world and in a completely different time zone. His day is my night, and my day is his night.

However, it doesn't stop me from sending him a present. Question is what I should get him this year. Last year I got some wonderful help from a store clerk on Hauptstraße. Unfortunately I am nowhere close to Thalia at the moment so I will have to improvise big time.

Tomorrow I will be meeting loads of friends for coffee and breakfast, and even drinks later in the evening. They better be able to brainstorm with me. I need tips!

Sleep

Diese ganze Woche hab ich gar nichts vernünftig gemacht...

• sah einen Film (Sucker Punch), der viel Aktion hatte, aber deren Einheit nicht so super war
  ®  zum Abschluss: ok Film mit richtig cooler Musik
• faulenzte den ganzen Tag
• aß viel Schokolade und auch gutes Essen, das meine Mama gekocht hat (nicht die Schoko)
• anstatt meiner schriftlichen Arbeit fertig zu schreiben (entschuldigung: anfangen...), hab ich diesen ganzen Tag "The Real Housewives of D.C." angeguckt
• war auch ein bisschen zu viel beim Facebook
• guckte an viele Tango Videos auf YouTube
• hab dagegen die ganze Wohnung sauber gemacht ...etwas praktisch konnte ich wenigstens machen!

Naja, wie soll ich alles erklären. Ich bin überhaupt nicht müde von der Uni und allen Arbeit ich machen muss. Irgendwie hab ich mich die letzten Tage sehr leer gefühlt. Ein bisschen mehr wie tot oder eine Leiche. Zum Beispiel hab ich ab und zu keinen Lebenswille - will einfach für viele Jahre schlafen oder alles lassen und irgendwo anders in der Welt fahren.

Vielleicht habe ich Angst in euch erweckt. Sollt ihr nicht haben... Nur wie ich mich heute fühlte, wahrscheinlich wegen des Wetters (es hat geregnet) und meiner Ermüdung. Also, los ins Bett für mich!

A question that has been on my mind...

Why are the Palestinian Territories my top audience!?

Italy and the state of California are just as big

Who would have known? Not me. Until I spent time procrastinating on "The Scale of the Universe" (link: http://htwins.net/scale2/index.html).

I haven't blogged in a while but I doubt that anyone has missed me. And even if I would have had the time to blog and update anyone who reads this blog with boring details from my boring life; it would all have been so negative that I would finally be able to call myself a pessimist. That's the type of people no one likes. So therefor, I may not go over to the dark side.

Once I have more time and when I am not too sleep deprived (maybe tomorrow evening), or when I am not having major anxiety and cravings for the next Grey's Anatomy, Revenge and Hart of Dixie episode, I will write about my Klausur and this past weekend.

But for now - bonne nuit!

Ausspannen und planen

Ich hör zu Philipp Poisel, während ich das Schedule für Hamad und Ana mache. Eigentlich brauche ich tatsächlich Musik zur Ablenkung. Es ist mir nicht gelungen, da ich Poisel zuhöre und "Ich will nur" ist kein glückliches Lied, sondern ziemlich traurig (nicht wegen dem Text, aber der Melodie).

Back to planning!

Philipp fängt schon am Anfang mit echt guten Wörter an:

"Versteck mich wo du mich nicht findest

damit auch du mich mal vermisst

Hab mich seit Wochen nicht gemeldet

und frag mich ständig wo du bist"

Thomas Mann + Richard Wagner

Heute Abend werde ich den Literatur-Unterricht teilnehmen. Hab schon "Tristan" von Thomas Mann gelesen. Erstes Mal hatte ich nichts verstanden, da ich todmüde und auf einem Zug nach Stockholm war. Ich hatte, zum zweiten Mal, gestern früh am Morgen das Buch noch wieder gelesen, und dann, plötzlich alles verstanden.

Und jetzt, als ich die Fragen Kataloge vorbereite, hör ich zu Wagners Oper "Tristan und Isolde", die ich noch nie gehört hab. Obwohl es schwer ist zu hören, was Tristan, Isolde und die anderen singen, hab ich das Libretto auf'm Internet gefunden. Das Liebestod ist schön aber am schönsten ist immer "Unsere Liebe heißt es nicht Tristan und Isolde?".

Ich will etwas mit Nachdruck sagen, und zwar, es ist, dass Romeo und Juliet nichts gegen Tristan und Isolde haben. (Wenn man sich auf dieser Weise ausdrücken kann.) Bevor Romeo und Juliet, gab es schon Tristan und Isolde, die ein schönere Liebe und Geschichte haben.

Ich bin Pro Tistan und Isolde!

Unter dem Video gibt es einen Auszug von dem Zweiter Auszug Wagners Tristan und Isolde. Er bedeckt "Unsere Liebe heißt es nicht Tristan und Isolde?" und "Habet Acht! Habet Acht!".

ISOLDE.

Doch – unsre Liebe,

heißt sie nicht Tristan

und – Isolde?

Dies süße Wörtlein: und,

was es bindet,

der Liebe Bund,

wenn Tristan stürb,

zerstört es nicht der Tod?

TRISTAN.

Was stürbe dem Tod,

als was uns stört,

was Tristan wehrt,

Isolde immer zu lieben,

ewig ihr nur zu leben?

ISOLDE.

Doch, dieses Wörtlein: und,

wär es zerstört,

wie anders als

mit Isoldes eig'nem Leben

wär Tristan der Tod gegeben?

Tristan zieht, mit bedeutungsvoller Gebärde, Isolde sanft an sich.

TRISTAN.

So starben wir,

um ungetrennt,

ewig einig

ohne End',

ohn Erwachen,

ohn Erbangen,

namenlos

in Lieb' umfangen,

ganz uns selbst gegeben,

der Liebe nur zu leben!

ISOLDE wie in sinnender Entrücktheit zu ihm aufblickend.

So stürben wir,

um ungetrennt –

TRISTAN.

ewig einig

ohne End –,

ISOLDE.

ohn Erwachen –

TRISTAN.

ohn Erbangen –,

BEIDE.

namenlos

in Lieb' umfangen,

ganz uns selbst gegeben,

der Liebe nur zu leben!

Isolde neigt wie überwältigt das Haupt an seine Brust.

BRANGÄNES STIMME wie vorher.

Habet Acht!

Habet Acht!

Schon weicht dem Tag die Nacht!

TRISTAN lächelnd zu ihr geneigt.

Soll ich lauschen?

ISOLDE schwärmerisch zu ihm aufblickend.

Laß mich sterben!

TRISTAN ernster.

Muß ich wachen?

ISOLDE bewegter.

Nie erwachen!

TRISTAN drängender.

Soll der Tag

noch Tristan wecken?

ISOLDE begeistert.

Laß den Tag

dem Tode weichen!

TRISTAN.

Soll der Tod

mit seinen Streichen

ewig uns

den Tag verscheuchen?

ISOLDE.

Der uns vereint,

den ich dir bot,

laß ihm uns weihn,

dem süßen Tod!

Mußte er uns

das eine Tor,

an dem wir standen, verschließen;

zu der rechten Tür,

die uns Minne erkor

hat sie den Weg nun gewiesen.

TRISTAN.

Des Tages Dräuen

nun trotzten wir so?

ISOLDE mit wachsender Begeisterung.

Seinem Trug ewig zu fliehn.

TRISTAN.

Sein dämmernder Schein

verscheuchte uns nie?

ISOLDE mit großer Gebärde ganz sich erhebend.

Ewig wär uns die Nacht!

BEIDE.

O ew'ge Nacht,

süße Nacht!

Hehr erhab'ne

Liebesnacht!

Wen du umfangen,

wem du gelacht,

wie wär ohne Bangen

aus dir er je erwacht?

Nun banne das Bangen,

holder Tod,

sehnend verlangter

Liebestod!

In deinen Armen,

dir geweiht,

urheilig Erbarmen,

von Erwachens Not befreit!

Wie sie fassen,

wie sie lassen,

diese Wonne,

fern der Sonne,

fern der Tage

Trennungsklage!

Ohne Wähnen,

sanftes Sehnen;

ohne Bangen,

süß Verlangen;

ohne Wehen

hehr Vergehen;

ohne Schmachten

hold Umnachten;

ohne Meiden,

ohne Scheiden,

traut allein,

ewig heim,

in ungemess'nen Räumen

übersel'ges Träumen. –

ISOLDE.

Du Isolde,

Tristan ich,

nicht mehr Isolde!

TRISTAN.

Du Tristan,

Isolde ich,

nicht mehr Tristan!

BEIDE.

Ohne Nennen,

ohne Trennen,

neu Erkennen,

neu Entbrennen;

endlos ewig

ein-bewußt:

heiß erglühter Brust,

höchste Liebeslust!

Sie verbleiben in verzückter Stellung.

Södra Sverige and Dänemark!

Svenska? English? Deutsch? English.

Nyhavn in Copenhagen. Beautiful!

So I never got around to writing a post about Malmö and Copenhagen. I will now because my brain is putting up a fight with studying for my Syntax exam after having watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

I had three days to do this trip. The first day was obviously in Malmö, where I visited Ivona - a dear friend of mine from high school. She's currently on her last semester of her BA Perfoming Arts (I think that's what the program is called...) and she plays the transverse flute. She's really good! All you classical musicians better watch out once she has graduated.

Malmö has never really been a city of my preference and I've always thought of it as a Swedish version of Sin City. so much crime going on down there! I know that that happens everywhere, but Malmö just seems to be the capital of crimes to me (it's the newspaper's fault baby!). As I was trying to look past that though, I did see the city for what it was - nice and cute. Maybe not the cutest city I've seen but it does have it's peaks.

My main reason for even going down south, was to get a hold of the pictures that Ivona had of us from last year. That was my first visit to Malmö and I was already then, wondering what bad stuff I would experience. Anyways, long story short: Ivona took some really good photos, lost her cable, her Mac Airbook doesn't even have an input for memory cards (wtf!!!), and I wanted those photos so badly that a year later I went to visit her and brought with my HP laptop in order to get a hold of them.

So we decided that since I was gonna be there for 3 days we might as well spend one full day in Copenhagen. The city is only a 20 minute train ride away! And we bought the Copenhagen card which made everything worth it. We went on a really nice sightseeing cruise and got some awesome pictures of most stuff. One of my favorite photos was of these boat houses in the middle of the sea/lake (whatever you'd wanna call it), mostly because it seems so typically Danish to me.

My favorite photo.

I have never really known why, but for some reason I have always underestimated the Danes when it comes to culture and art. It probably has to do with the fact that I am a Swede and it is in our blood to naturally look down on Norway and Denmark. Truth be told, they - well Denmark at least because I haven't been to Norway yet - is very nice, very cosy, and very rich in culture and art. I have actually found [one of] my favorite museum in the world: Ny-Carlsberg Glyptotek. My Lord, was it fantastic! The locations, the art, the sculptures, the paintings, but most of all the building - I fell in love. As you enter the actual start of the museum (not the lounge), you are greeted by a statue of a woman/mother with babies that are crawling all over her. It's a magnificent sculpture.

We managed to do a lot and see a lot in Copenhagen. For one day, I must say that I'm quite impressed with everything we saw. On the third day, my last day, Ivona and I took things easy and just slept in. Luckily, my train left at 5pm, which gave me more than enough time to just chill and pack everything. We walked around in the city, did some shopping before we had dinner and before I had to depart. Since it is Easter, we saw tons of eggs in the city. Not small ones, but large ones. All designed after things in Malmö or that can be associated with Malmö. Pretty neat, and pretty big.

Yeah... That should sum it all up.

And so it is...

Apparently Ella tells me what such a situation or relationship is called. Now I know.

A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend this is
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes
But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes
A fine romance, you won't nestle
A fine romance, you won't wrestle
I might as well play bridge
With my old maid aunt
I haven't got a chance
This is a fine romance