Solitude

Things have taken a bad turn. Lately everything has become too much. Too much giving, too many people, always these constant questions:

 

I need to be left alone for a full week. Solitude.

I bet it won't work though. I'm too kind so I'll end up sacrificing my solitude just to avoid conflicts. 

Things at work are going terribly wrong. It feels like I might lose my job for something I didn't do. The trust at work is completely gone. I can't tell anymore who is being honest, who is not.

Work is such a burden nowadays, I really hate it.

As for other aspects I feel like a terrible person... 

First my dad found a way to contact me even though he knows that I don't want him too. The constant hassling and nagging, schizophrenic sides he shows - I can't take it. I don't have the time to deal with him! 

He really doesn't understand what he did. So thick-headed! And he makes me seem like the bad guy in the whole situation. It's always my fault how things turned out, he says.

Honestly, he's years late and even though it's "never too late" - he still doesn't see the point and he still won't listen to what I am really saying. He always gives me empty promises and empty excuses, this is not what a parent does.

I don't have the time and energy to deal with someone so stupid, and I refuse to waste my time on him too!

As for people really bringing me down, there's another person who's been on my back. Someone I used to see as a friend who really wasn't one. Someone I've been trying to get away from, is now hurting because I'm detaching myself from them. The constant messages which I try to block away by being a bit cold. I can't do it! It's not in my nature to just erase people as if they mean nothing (apart from my dad though, the one easy exception). Don't I owe an explanation, a closure? I think I do.

At the same time, if this person is so desperate for my explanation and contact, how come they haven't called me? They know that I always answer my phone regardless who it is that calls, whether I really want to answer or not. So perhaps they're not really "hurting", infact it could just be another double-game that they're so used to play.

How did I become this person who makes people feel bad and hurt?

It's all so depressing, I really can't let go of what's happening around me. Hurting people, losing stability at work, basically losing focus on things I used to have control over...

I'm so tired of this.

I really need to get out of Sweden.

To just let go of things.

I'm completely hooked/mesmerized by this guy!

His name; Matt Tayao.

Why? Because he dances like (I don't even know what could weigh up to the perfect word of description) I've never seen anyone dance before!!!

The guy is immensely good! I can be completely honest (although it's slightly embarrassing) that I stared at his videos, but other choreography videos too of course, for almost 6 hours last sunday. He picks really good songs to choreograph as well. He, as I've noticed, appears in other choreographies that I've been watching - which didn't strike me until I watched them for like the third time in a row.

Either way, I'm totally crushing on the guy. It's his dancing - I swear! (Talk about a really good attribute to weave in all the girls.)

The guy, in consideration to his videos, is a dance teacher. He has a really good student who is about 10 years old, I think. He calls her Lil' Beastie. She really lives into it and shines brighter than everyone else in the room!

Okay, so here is one of my absolute favorite clips! He choreographed a dance to a song by Drake - Best I Ever Had (such a goood song!).

I loooove his smooth moves and especially 0:32. Call me kinky or perverted... but that was kind of hot (omg, what's wrong with me?!?!?!)

Here's another favorite choreography by a dancer named Quon. Insane choreographies, makes me want to be able to dance like them too! The first choreography to Jeremih's song Raindrops is I-M-M-E-N-S-E-L-Y sexy. I'm not kidding! The last choreography is completely insane! You can't do anything other than love it...

It's a hassle at times...

Contacts...

They are liberating but they're also a pain when you're tired and just want to go to bed. I've fallen asleep with them on and forgotten almost all the time how bad my eye sight really is!

Either way, time to throw the old ones and get out the next pair. And I need to toss away my very cute containers!

Snowed in my warm cave.

Today I'm free off work. So I intend to hibernate instead of going out. 

Yesterday I was hating on the weather but today when I saw the sun and bright landscape I really felt like taking a jog in the snow. Slap on some tights, a sweater and mom's warm running jacket and just hit the frosty air. Talk about refreshing! 

But ney, I have german assignments to do - especially that essay that I just can't come around to. And it's due for tomorrow...

Instead I've been sitting on youtube staring at some really good choreography. I've been so hooked on Black Eyed Peas "Imma Be" song (I've really been missing out on some real good hip-hop music!). Take a look at these videos, both are associated to "Imma Be". One is a beatbox which is quite funny not to mention good, and the other is a really sick choreography by an insanely good dancer named Quon.

First up is the Beatbox:

Here is the really good choreography:

Oh! And I like this one too:

Snow day

This whole snow storm and bloody "Winter Wonderland" is really getting on my nerves. What it's mostly getting at, is my communications in to the city. I was supposed to have fun tonight, I was supposed to be mingling with exchange students at a dorm/corridor party. But I can't really get there since the tram is delayed with an hour, and probably cancelled at this particular hour.

The busses don't really run since the highway is slippery and dangerous. The subways run but only every 30 minutes, and I just missed the one that would get me neither late nor early. 

As if that weren't enough, the weather is freezing and if I were to travel home at 2 or 3 am I'd probably be a deep frozen Thanksgiving turkey by the time I got home.

Also I had no booze with me, which you were apparently supposed to have brought with on your own. Whoops...

So I'm staying home. I'm staying home because I've been working all day and I'm quite tired anyway. I'm staying home because I need to get up early to both start and finish a german essay due for monday. I'm staying home because I don't want to end up like the birthday guy in last months newspaper (He was walking home from his own birthday party - he turned 22, I think -in this insane winter weather we have and he froze to death! It was a little girl who found him two days later under a pile of snow).

So tonight my feet and my whole body will be roasty and toasty warm!

Finally getting active!

Today I went to the gym with Habiba. It was a disaster! We barely gymed at all. All the office-people were taking all the treadmills and all the bikes. I ended up rowing 2km in 10 minutes instead. Christ! It was awful, haha.
We're going to give it another shot tomorrow and I really hope that we're going to attend a class instead, e.g. spinning or core. Otherwise there better be a treadmill available for me to run on!

Now I'm forced to workout, I spent tons of money on a gymcard so I have no choice, I can't let it go to waste. And now is the time to fix my shoulder blades too! I'm sick of the assymetry - it doesn't do my back any good...

Plus, a congratulations to me for diminshing my phonebill by half of what I pay on average. I tend to keep this pattern! Hopefully...

My hot Valentines date!

Tonight I'm off on a date. The date will take about 6 hours I suppose, dinner included. The date will be fun, it'll be hot, it'll be the best Valentines date I'll ever have!

I'm talking about my date with my work.

My work and I will be having all sorts of fun! Restocking dairy products, checking out the vegetables, deciding on what meat is hot and raw - and of course, what's not!

We'll be having so much fun that my co-worker will feel like the third wheel. He's no fun anyway...

With that said, 

Happy Valentines Day!

Now, I'm off to get myself ready for my date...

My love for Austen

I just finished watching the movie "Becoming Jane". And now I shall expose my true nature...

My heart would fly when the love blossomed between Lefroy and Austen. And my heart would sink and break when it didn't, especially at the ending.

Now, if I react this way when I watch a movie - imagine how I (and my heart) reacts when I read her books. Pride and Prejudice, Northanger Abbey, Persuasion, you name it! I get lovesick and depressed when the story ends.

Why can't we find our Lefroy's?  

Or our Mr. Rochester's? (okay, so Rochester is from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë but still...)

Or our Mr. Darcy's?

Two of these gentlemen are men of wealth but seriously, if I were in Jane's shoes and could pick the annoyingly weak and mousy Mr. Wisley or poor but-man-enough Mr. Lefroy - I'd pick Lefroy any day! Screw wealth when you can have true love...

Although in Jane's case, we might've never have been privileged enough to have come across her master pieces, if she chose Lefroy. And even if we were, perhaps that precise choice in life wouldn't have made the novels what they are today? 

Plain White Ts

"Times Square can't shine as bright as you"

"A thousand miles seems pretty far

But they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way"

"The world will never ever be the same

And you're to blame"

A very good old song. I heard it at work today.

Such sweet lyrics...

A bit of advice

First off, before I forget! A little bit of advice:

Since I work at a convenience store and I work the closing hours, I must say to those who enter a convenience store as a customer: 

do not expect to ever come into a shop 3 minutes before it closes to do a big grocery shopping which passes 10 minutes past the original closing time, and think that it is okay.

I had to deal with a woman who did that today. When it was 10 past nine and I was about to miss my bus, I couldn't take it any longer! I don't even get paid for working past nine so I'd love to get home so that I can study for the possible test next week which is based on 250 pages in german. (Did I mention that our teacher decided to tell us about the possible test two days ago???) Either way, as I approach her and tell her in my most kind voice Excuse me, but we've closed the store for 10 minutes ago and we have to hurry and alarm the shop. Is there anything you're looking for? The woman passes me by without even looking at me shopping continually in her calm pace. Then after a couple of meters, she turns and says I think I'm satisfied now. Right... 

A bit more positive stuff:

Last weekend was a lot of fun! A lot tiring too. It started off with me meeting one of the three exchange students I'm taking care of. First up was Jens from Germany whom I had lunch with at Vapiano. Apparently Vapiano was established by his former classmate, and here I walk the earth thinking that it's Swedish none the least! I'm slightly surprised... Either way, I was somewhat intimidated by Jens. He's only two years older but seems to already have gotten so many things done. He studies business law (something which interested me greatly, i like economics and law too - FYI!) so he told me a bit about that. Also, Jens apparently started his own business when he was only 13 years old - impressive! And it's still running! He even knows more about Sweden than I do, he asked me a question which I answered wrong... kind of embarrassing I tell you! Either way, it was fun to meet someone from Germany - especially since I'm trying to learn their lingo at the moment. 

After the encounter, I headed off to Louise's place to get ready for the dinner at Gula Villan at our campus. It was quite fun, a three course dinner, a good time to meet new people, I was seated amongst people who had some sort of association to Germany. And that's how I met Helen! Another exchange student from Germany, she was very funny and we talked about tons of stuff (mostly Germany) through the night. I introduced her to Louise and we were both invited to her birthday party on monday at Lappis. I bet it'll be great fun, all I have to do is figure out what to wear... Oh, the thing with her party; we have to dress up, and I mean dress up as in costumes! I'm still spawning on ideas of what to be... I heard that someone was going to be dressed out as the Statue of Liberty, haha!

Tomorrow I'm off to meet exchange student no. 2; Rebecca from Korea. It's always a bit exciting meeting someone for the first time and it's always weird when you haven't met in person first.

SO! Lately I must admit that I've been very drawn to rap/r'n'b music, a genre I used to dislike before. But now that I'm out of my classical music bubble - I've missed a lot of good songs! Where have I been!? Although I still can't stand Eminem, don't think that will ever change. I've started to pick the radio over my iPod and I've started to pick the Voice or NRJ which play similar songs over and over again. Like that song by Chris Brown(?) that goes like with you, with you, with you, with you, with youuu - it's so good! It's so cute too! Especially the video with his dancing!!! (Eik! I get a bit girly and giddy when I hear the song! I'm listening to it right now...) Now that's definitely not what I would've said for 2 years ago or let alone one year ago!

What else is there to mention? Oh yeah! I was at work and during my break I spotted my longtime favorite yoghurt (I love yoghurt!) which used to only be found in a pack of four small yoghurts (I only bought those packs for my one and only favorite flavor and I crammed the others a bit bitterly down my throat). This time it was in a big pack, more expensive than your regular yoghurt but still worth it. So I bought it of course. The flavor is white apricot with white chocolate (mmm, apricots and white chocolate... *drewl*).

no no NO!

Somewhere in Bianca's life, her nice skin took a big turn. It started last year in November when she found out that her body no longer could take big dosages of E-substances. Her body could before. She could pig out, eat like a man and not bother or worry about any consequences. Alas, it has now taken a turn!

I have been so good with double checking what I eat. I don't eat excessively anymore (I must say that my appetite died with the first wrong turn anyway) and I finally got my face cleared and nice from the last outbreak. Yesterday, I shared a bag of Nature candy and tiny packet of M&M's with Cecilia and her bf. The day before I ate two Double Cheeseburgers from McDonalds. The last time I even ate something from McDonalds was right after New Years Eve. 

Give it a day for the burgers and a couple of hours for the candy and I've gotten the whole Russia, if not the whole Asia, mapped out on my face. Fantastic!

(Oh dear, this is such a Deja vu.)

Either way, apart from the shallowness I have studied German since 11am this morning. It takes 3 hours and 20 minutes to get through a whole chapter in the book. And that's without the separate grammar book we have to read from time to time.

Did I mention that I checked my mail yesterday night and saw that I will be taking care of 3 exchange students? It should be fun. But at the same time I don't know what to do or say to them. Apparently I have to contact them too, make the first move, be their buddy throughout the semester, show them around Campus and off Campus. I don't even know the Campus that well myself...

What do I even write in my mail to them? Hi, I'm Bianca!

I suppose that's a good starter though.

Lack of sleep

Yesterday at 5 am, my mother woke me up with a worried voice. She ranted on about me having to babysit at that precise moment.

I was so confused and eventually got irritated and said Who needs a babysitter at 5 am!? She then informed me about her friend, whose three kids I used to babysit. She was pregnant and her water had broken 10 minutes before the call. It broke 2 weeks too early. Not a good sign, but I now know that the newborn baby-boy is doing well despite the premature birth.

It's funny how there's always something going on with this family. Always some sort of problem and we're always the first ones they call. My mother is more helpful than I am, and I suppose that I sound very cold and unsympathetic. I'm not, I changed my negative attitude. Even though it might bug me, I'm still there for a person/family or etc. I won't leave you with a problem! It's just that this was 5 am and I only had 4 hours of sleep... Either way, I understood the importance of the situation and got my act together.

As I arrived by 6 am, I stepped into the dark and parent-free apartment finding the eldest one awake as well as the youngest one. The middle child was still asleep. Apparently hungry (as was I), we made breakfast together and then watched cartoons. I eventually fell asleep next to them on the couch - dead beat as I was! And I was awakened by the middle child who started fighting with the youngest one. (The two young ones are toddlers, imagine the responsibility.) The fighting turned into a full hours whining in a high pitch. Neither the eldest or I could shut them up, so I was forced to hear them whine stubbornly to piss each other off.

With only 4 hours of sleep, you can imagine the lack of energy I had. I sat completely drained on the couch letting them do what they wanted to do, only to remember to feed them every once in a while. As well as changing diapers and kissing their sore leg or whatever it was they kept on hurting...

Good night!

 I still need to catch up on some sleep.

My mother and I

My mother and I are so inconsistent at times. At the same time we're very consistent. A bit (quoting a friend) "Gilmore Girl"-style. I suppose there's a point in that. We're super close, we're the only two people who establish our family. Well okay, we've got relatives and such who are family too but I suppose my point is still quite clear...

What I love about my mom is our conversations. And where and when we have them. Last year, slightly after my birthday and when I was chanting nervously about future plans in despair, we sat for three hours in our hallway and talked. She sat on a low table while I sat down on the floor against the wall. We sat there and just talked and talked without thinking about time or considering sitting in the living room. I think we spoke til 2am that night.

Friday night, after the All English Society party, I came home and found my mother asleep. And (I just noticed how rude I was) I woke her up to let her know that I was at home. What was supposed to be a 5 minute update ended up being a two hour conversation about parties, boys, student unions, university, work, you name it. She was lying in bed and I sat on the floor next to her bedside table.


Point is, I love my long talks with my mother. They're not always good. Usually there's a lot of arguments, boy you should hear them! We're not always on the same page.
However, we have more talks that are nice and bonding than we have bad argumentative ones.