The act of letting go

I don't really know why letting go is so hard to do. Why do people say that they are over someone when they actually are not? Why do we cause ourselves so much suffering instead of trying to heal?

The act of letting go is an impossible act!

Hysterie

Last night I dreamt that I was having a hysterical break down and was running after something I was looking for. Why? Well, I know why but don't feel like sharing it at the moment.

This Mädel needs to gehen ins Bett..

By the way, I have to mention: life can be pretty great at times. I'm hoping that my down is starting to turn to an up.

That's all.

In sickness and in health

Lately I've been stuck in my room for multiple reasons, but the most relevant reason is due to my cold. It had a good timing since I didn't miss any of my German classes this week, however, I did miss out on my tennis class (turned out that it was shit according to one of my course mates, they got a substitute since our teacher Eugine/Yevgny/"some Lithuanian or Belarussian name" was sick too. Is there even a word such as Belarussian? Sorry, I meant adjective. Obviously.). But thanks to my waterbottle, me filling it up every hour and running to the bathroom every end of an hour, I think I've gotten most of the virus out of my body. I'm feeling pretty good though; no coughs and just a slightly clogged nose. This should mean that I can go play tennis with Catherine on Sunday. Catherine is Swiss and is here for a semester, unless she's already been here since January, and studies Swedish. Pretty cool since I always think that nobody wants to learn Swedish. Apparently the Germans and Swiss people do! (See, that's why I like the German language and people!!)

Anyways. even though I'm feeling loads better I still can't focus on homework. I've been trying to study French the whole day long but haven't done shit until now. And at the moment, I'm even taking a break after one hour. My teacher thought it would be good if I faire un résumé sur les trois séquences A, B et C, which I find really boring because when I try to write a summary I end up using the same verbs and it just ends up looking like plagiarism, and we are being taught at uni to not plagiarize. I've heard teachers nag about that since I was studying at Heidelberg and all that German scandal broke out in the media.

What else? Well, whilst being sick I have been a very good sport. Despite the cold I managed to clean the flat, iron every piece of garment left in the clean-laundry basket, bake cinnamon rolls (4th of October = cinnamon Roll Day! ...at least in Sweden, it is.), recycle and pay (more) bills. I even managed to cook some awesome dinner and lunch. Oh yeah! This sick girl is on fire.

Maybe I should get back to mes devoirs.
Bisous!

And she began playing tennis...

Ladies and Gentlemen - I have recently taken up tennis classes at Frescati. If it is any good or not, I can't tell quite yet. However, I have purchased a pair of tennis shoes (they look pretty darn good) and borrow a racket from the teacher.

In my group there are two more girls/women. One is from Ireland (spouse of a Swede and a mother too) and the other is from Zürich, Switzerland (am I excited to have a German speaker in my class? YES!). Both have played quite a bit, and I have too but it was ages ago. I embarrassed myself a bit but I could have been worse. So, so far so good.

Tennis class did make me realize that I am so weak, physically wise. I need to build up my body and get it strong (like when I danced ballet) and just buff up with a bit of muscles. Maybe that will finally help my posture. Either way, I am soon off to KTH and going to go for some "motionssim" - hopefully my bathing suite still fits me.

Ciao,
from a suddenly active Bianca.

Am Ende kommt die Dekadenz, aber kommt der Vitalismus auch?

So this semester has been spiraling to become my own decadence. I have been reading about it for the past 6 months and now it seems like these books have been trying to point something out to me. My only question is if vitalism will also be happening some time very soon?

Why decadence? Because that's the best way to define how I have been feeling these past weeks (actually months) and how everything I have hoped for has turned out. The Zerfall of me seems to have taken place, slowly if not quick and hard. So... Decadence because I relate to the female characters that Arthur Schnitzler and Thomas Mann, even Theodor Storm and Gerhart Hauptmann to some extent, have depicted. Because had I been any of the women in Fräulein Else and Tristan, I would have done exactly what they did and their deaths are to me (in a pretty twisted way) beautiful. I can also imagine myself being a femme fragile during the Fin de siècle, on second thought: I probably was a femme fragile in my past life and still am in this life. No wonder why I am fascinated by Freud, Weininger and the philosophy and theory about hysteria and most intriguingly the Geschlechterdebatte. The (Zer)Fall der Frau never seems to bore me and the beauty of their deaths and their thoughts and hysteria are all pretty captivating. (This is probably giving you all the wrong image of me, I am not agreeing with men being the better sex or even the stronger sex, should that be an image you have of me now. I am just fascinated with the decadence and the fin de siècle.) My own feelings have been pretty dark and pessimistic lately, and very similar to the women described in the books I have read. My faith has seemed to wish the worst for me and all I feel is that I am slowly falling into my own modern decadence. Words can't quite describe how bad it all seems to have turned out right now, and frankly, I think everyone is better off not knowing.

Contributions to my decadence: The topic love. How one believes that a romance can regress to friendship, is completely impossible for me to understand. I have tried to understand, and even tried to put it in practice. Results are distressing and to no one's shock, very maddening. Ever heard of "meet me halfway"? Instead of being the only one trying to make an effort and trying to make it work out with respect for the other, without ripping up old wounds, both need to equally contribute to the phony friendship they are trying to maintain. Never ever try to be friends with an old flame - it won't work, at least not to both's benefit.
Another contribution to my decadence is education. As much as I thought I knew what I was doing, apparently I don't. I am basically drowning in a wide-open sea with the darkest tone of black as water. Let's call it (pure*) turpentine instead, because as transparent as turpentine is I apparently manage to fail and be blind to myself. I tend to always lose myself and get lost in the academic world - sometimes I wonder what I am even doing in it.
One of the least expected contributions is ice hockey. I have no idea why I am suddenly so obsessed with this sport and when Sweden didn't even qualify for the semi-finals my heart felt very heavy. What could ice hockey even substitute? In my life, I cannot find anything that could to the slightest bit be associated to ice hockey. Nevertheless, I have seriously considered becoming an ice hockey wife. Not that I am sure what it would require of me or what that lifestyle is like - I just know that ice hockey has been the only uplifting thing in my life this year. The one thing I have been looking forward to and that has nearly become my bible. However, (as I previously mentioned) the loss against the Czech Republic was a hard loss to accept. And how unexpected is it that Slovakia slid in on second place? I never really saw them coming.
One of the last contributions is funerals. I hate them, not that I think anybody loves them, but I cannot deal with loss. I do not know what to do, how to react, what to say... What I really can't deal with is acknowledging someone's death. Uttering the words, letting it slip out of my mouth to become reality is the hardest thing for me to do and accept. And I never react until it is time for the funeral, because that is the last evidence of death that is slapped across your face. I tend to pretend like death never happens, however, it's hard to pretend once you see a coffin and hear the sobs of family members. Although I wasn't close to my aunt's husband, he was still a part of our family tree. My sorrow was more for my aunt and a part of my disappointment for choosing not to attend the funeral, something I believe is one of my many mistakes in life.

Und wann kommt der Vitalismus? In literature and in Fin de siècle, vitalism came after the fall (in the books, the death of the women) in form of a new life, a new beginning (in the books, they were all in the form of babies). This semester is finally coming to an end. One week left with one exam and a presentation to go. I need to pull it off, one way or another. Then summer vacation begins, something I have been looking forward to very much. So hopefully this summer will act as my Vitalismus. I will be needing it badly.


*If turpentine isn't pure then it has a yellow-brownish color and a very characteristic smell to it. Therefor, I needed to distinguish which type of turpentine I was talking about.

She has become a sports fanatic

Out of nowhere, just like that, and I am expecting Sweden to win IIHF WC, Eurovision and by some miracle this year's EUFA championship. Although I know that EUFA will not be won by Sweden. You never know though, a miracle might happen - a bit of Das Wunder von Bern wouldn't hurt.

So, evidence that I have turned in to a sports fanatic can be seen in the pictures below:

I rest my case.

P.S. I would just like to add something: Sweden beat Denmark 6-4. Nice ey?

Study Habits

I wasted my whole Sunday on Facebook, Skype and Spotify. I even watched some movies. All of this instead of writing and working on my paper. So now I have to get real and meet the deadline, which happens to be today.

What I have noticed though, is that when I study I need a lot of brightness and sun in a room to give me energy, a high ceiling for my thoughts to grow, a white room which is more neutral and spacious so that I won't feel so confined, a big desk with lots of space I do not wish to use in order for my body to feel at ease instead of claustrophobic or for my work to be observed by my neighbor. (I am sure there is supposed to be a comma somewhere in that sentence, but it would not fit in artistically because I want you to feel the anxiety that confined working areas give me.) Back to the topic ® That is really hard to succumb in our flat. It is so tiny and the biggest desk is the kitchen table. So for nine hours of intense work, I did some minor changes in the kitchen...

I will just have to keep my head looking straight forward to the garden outside and pretend I have as much space around me as I wish I did. And look at the sky in front of me and pretend that that is my roof and not the ceiling lamp hanging right on top of my head. Or that the building outside the window is not an obstruct that might potentially cause me to encounter a drought. 

It would not surprise me if I later in life started decorating my own home according to the rules of Fengshui.

I am already getting rid of the clock in the kitchen because I hear it ticking, but mostly because Amelia tells me to.

Click to see what I am talking about: http://www.amelia.se/halsa1-23611/Inred-ditt-hem-med-feng-shui



UPDATE (1406):
I just rewrote my whole thesis because I found it too short and boring. Now it's twice as long and seems a bit more interesting and academic than my first draft of my thesis. However, there are five remaining chapters left waiting to be written. Thankfully I have three pages scribbled down with notes about classical music during the Third Reich, now I just need to turn them into complete sentences and make it work to my advantage.
Meanwhile I am trying to get myself motivated to write this paper and so far dolphin sounds, waves and underwater bubbles bubbling (= Ocean Melodies) have done the trick. Unfortunately it has started to ware out and I wonder what type of music I will need for my next chapter.

UPDATE (1514):

Surely a small break is something I am worth. However, I always reluctantly spoil myself and now I have ended up procrastinating for the past hour. During that hour I; checked Facebook, logged in to the student portal to check if my grade for the syntax course had been posted, ate two different biscuits, had a glass of water, searched for some new study music other than dolphins and nature calling in a language I do not speak and ended up finding a Vivaldi playlist (1h long) that was unbearable because it was remixed, and now I am provlyssna:ing (some Swenglish for you) some playlists on stereomood. It is pretty good once you've settled for one list and stick to it, unlike me who switches lists after every fourth song.

Link: http://www.stereomood.com/

UPDATE (1834):
It appears to me that silence is the best music for studying. Had I been working on this paper two years ago, music would have been vital for me to actually get homework done. However, I guess my love for music has grown so much that I simply cannot ignore it whilst doing something else. Not even if I am reading a book. Perhaps when I draw and sketch, but it has been a while since I could enjoy that on my leisure time.
Soon the second part, or chapter actually, of my paper is done. Next up I will be dealing with Orff's Carmina Burana. Hopefully I will have enough to say about it. And then move on to Beethoven's 9th Symphony. Then that should do it, I will send in what I have ready to my professor, do something else for a change, perhaps bother to start attaching foot notes, source and bibliography. Or get back on Facebook...
The discussion and the conclusion can wait till Friday AFTER I have my next Beratungsgespräch.
Ja wohl! I better get back to my paper before the sun disappears, because once it does - I won't have the energy to (or be bothered to) write anymore.

UPDATE (2003):
Silence works no more for me. And my stomach is growling. Not to mention my huge and ridiculous cravings for chocolate.
Two more hours to go and then it's deadline time.

A question that has been on my mind...

Why are the Palestinian Territories my top audience!?

Ska det här vara roligt eller!?

Du måste skämta med mig, men jag ser att du inte gör det.

Det facking s-n-ö-a-r!

Hoppas att det försvinner imorgon...

I've won a ticket to the movies!

Last week as I was planning stuff for a special someone, I came across a contest online. It was super easy, the contest was for a Swedish movie that recently was released and the question you had to answer was "In which country can you find the city Phuket?" Obviously we all know (or at least the Swedes do since it's destination numero uno for vacations) that it is in Thailand. And not Morocco or the Philippines (wohoo Philippines!!!). Anyways, only the first ten people could get a ticket and I assumed that they had already gotten ten e-mails with "THAILAND!!!" written all over it, but then I got something nice...

How awesome ain't this!? Unfortunately I only got one or else me and Helen could have gone and seen "En Gång i Phuket" all for free. I should have mentioned that I would have liked two tickets if possible. Next time! Or perhaps I should not push my luck?

FML - and this time I mean it!

So that feeling we always describe as "the world going under"... Well I'm having it right now.
Here's why:

1. Last night I met someone! During our encounter I was a bit shocked and shy that I was actually speaking to this person that I was barely paying attention to what he said and wasn't listening well enough. I wasn't even expecting to still be crushing on this person because it's been a bit too long since we met in person and we have both already entered new chapters in our separate lives. After the encounter, I felt worse because talking to him made me like him even more and the fact that we aren't even living in the same area made reality come and slap me in the face. It always has to be complicated doesn't it?
2. Then after the session I was going to bed, totally excited about the first swim lesson I was gonna have the day after. So I did the usual routine and washed my face, brushed my teeth, etc. Looked in the mirror and remembered that I wanted to wax my upper lip (although there was nothing there) because I suffer from some perfectionist syndrome and I want to be perfect even though I know it is fully impossible and ridiculous because I never feel better when I try - and who am I even doing it for!? No one who can appreciate it! Well faith came and slapped me in the face again, because apparently my skin was a bit too dry so the wax caught a hold of approximately 1,5cm of skin on both sides and ripped it with the almost-non-existing hair... Hello mustache made out of flesh and all pink, sore and raw. It looks like I have a pink Clark Gable mustache! (For those who don't know what a his mustache looks like check out this site and you'll see what I mean.)
   
3. So because of the raw skin I can't even go swimming because the chlorine probably will infect it and it will hurt like hell. I don't need it to get any redder than it already is! Or prolong it's healing process...
4. I went to the pharmacy to try and find some miracle cream. I didn't have much time as I needed to study before this only class I have for today. So I ran to the first pharmacist I saw and asked for help. Her expression... "Oh, that's pretty bad!" Thanks. Like I wasn't aware of that already... She gave me a cream called Hyderm and apparently it should all be fixed and gone in a couple of days - so I'm hoping latest Thursday night. Anyways, I go home and read the "directions for use" AFTER I dabbed the damn cream on my wounds and there it was: not to be used on open wounds. WTF?!
5. After I finally calmed down and before leaving for uni, I decided to check things out at the student portal. Only to see (15mins before I really have to leave) that we had homework for our first class and it's some three paged thingy on Barnen i Bullerbyn. That was it... I unpacked my bag took off my shoes and signed in to the blog and I shared my first shit day of 2012.

I think it's fair to now say: FML!

That fine line you need to keep in mind

There is always some fine line between reality and imagination, and my dreams at night tend to be very vivid and rub that line so well that I often question if things in fact did happen. Although, I always know that they didn't, yet I never cease to be so fascinated about how real most of my dreams can feel.

So last night, my dream which will stay with me and in my mind, felt so real that reality was nearly an immense disappointment. I even felt a taste in my mouth ..perhaps that is what made it feel so real? A taste that reminded me of blood, and that in a good way (if there is a good way). I also felt so very sore and slightly wounded. Yet all of this in such a good way, and I am aware that it is hard to try to see it in a good way when I'm describing it so very briefly and on a very shallow level. No depth. But that depth and all the details are for me to keep and are not to be shared.

However, I only wanted to share that dreaming can really rub reality - something we all know though.

Hey-Ho!

So soon I'm off to Deutschland. And since friends would like to stay updated and I would like to keep track of my Erasmus adventures; I decided to start an Erasmus blog. It can now be find with the title Heidelberger Studentenkuss (press the title and you'll be linked!).

Because of that I suppose I won't be blogging too much here. However, I suppose my true feelings can be shed here since this blog is more personal than the Erasmus blog will be. In other words: juicy gossip will be posted here, while the angel non-gossip me will be ever so kind on my Erasmus blog.

Is this a sign?

Extract from Rilo Kiley's "Portion For Foxes":

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news

...it gets me thinking if what I did was right?

Being effective

I've been really effective today! Which makes me happy.

First off I finally figured out my thesis statement, wrote it down and sent it to my teacher (he's not a professor yet so he's not getting the honour of being called professor). It was a bit of a hassle since I first sent it without the attached document, then attached it but sent it to myself and then ("third time's a charm") I managed to send it in tact to him.

Apres ca, I cleaned my room and the whole flat. Finally I have no loose papers flying about my room! And all my bills are payed too! So no more penalties or etc.

Then I had lunch with my laptop, fixing a jogging-playlist for my iPod. Obviously I went for a jog and managed to jog 4km in 24minutes!!! Not bad, besides my maximum puls was at 140 (which was terribly weird because 2,2km gave me 148) but maybe it was because I did an intervall thingy when I speeded up hills, then ran slow-mo down the hills but in an average speed on plain roads. I don't know, but it was weird...

Tonight, I'll be meeting Habiba whom I haven't seen for ages! Exciting, obviously we're going to watch Cinema Politica (what else!?). Hopefully catch up on talks and so on - we'll see!

Actually I can't be bothered to go. I'm anyways going tomorrow, and I bet Habiba will come along. I'll have to phone her now and see how we do it.

Shower. Hugs. Bye.

My audience?

I found this under the tab "Stats" and thought that it was quite interesting yet slightly initimidating. Oh, well! Nice to know that people do stumble upon my blog.

A bit blurry. Yet the top 5 countries in sequence are; Sweden, United States, Germany, Canada and the UK. Apparently most of them use Windows and Internet Explorer. Right...

Off with the roots

~getting rid of hair


I must recommend this saloon I went to to get my legs waxed. They were so good, and the technique they have is so not from the stone-age but up-to-date. I've only waxed myself once before and it was okey but not all too great. The wax was way too warm and got me to twitch so much it was as if I had ticks. This salon had a more up-to-date method and technology, I'm telling you - I thought I would die but I didn't, I basically felt nothing!

The place is called Del Carmen, it's situated right by Vasaparken more towards Odenplan. The woman who waxed me was so good. She actually got nearly each strand of hair off! She used a roller, which is much more gentle and feels less like you're being slaughtered. Of couse for the bikini part she used that wax which you warm up - the one that made me twitch - but it was so smooth. And even though the warmth was apparently high as it's temperature showed, the creamy substance soothed more than hurt/burned. It was so much fun (perhaps not the best word for it), and she even mentioned that it contained white chocolate which made me laugh. Either way, I think I've found my place and my person. There's probably no better place than Del Carmen!

The older you get...

~...the more wretched things you experience



Today, I stayed home until I decided to grab my co-workers shift at the store. She only needed to get off the two last hours which were closing hours. I took them just to help out but also for the money, I mean I'm going on vaca soon. I need them - if you catch my drift...

Either way, I did nothing but math and sang along to my iTunes (which I do constantly even when iTunes is not on) and I heard nothing but myself. I also played some piano during the day just because. As my mother comes home she tells me that we had policemen in our stairwell. I was shocked and asked why. Apparently our neighbours had burglars. Our neighbours weren't home but still! Think if the burglars decided to pick our appartment which I was alone in. Not nice.

Either way I couldn't really help out and I don't know what to say about myself. I'm shocked that I didn't hear a single thing. Those burglars must've been super-silent... Lets hope that they won't come back.

Modern Day Machines

~experiencing a shooting


Imagine this...

You're walking in the sun, in the city. A safe neighborhood which you semi-grew up in because you went to school there your whole life. You're listening to your iPod on max, pondering on what to wear for tonight. You see two busses pulling up, you hear a small noise resembling a firecracker, you leave your thoughts for a second, a man in front of you runs along the street. You keep walking and have never stopped - more people run, but this time against you like a stampeed. You notice that you are alone on the street, your stomach takes a turn. You pull out one earphone and hear someone behind you yell, to someone hiding a bit further on, to run back to the end of the street. That person runs and tells you to run too. You're gone in mind. Then slowly comprehending what you've recently picked up by ear, you slowly turn your body around and follow them. Behind the corner in safety a couple speaks of blood, while others say gunshots. Someone got shot and all you think is "that could've been me".



What I'm telling you to imagine is what I experienced today. A shooting in Stockholm. It was so surreal, just like anything else this serious that I have ever encountered. I was at the same spot as a man got shot, I basically had front row seats. And what kind of makes me a bit speechless about it is that I could've come inbetween the firing. I wasn't far from it, and had I not by accident taken a detour from the park I would have been exactly between the man who dismissed the gun and his victim. Thank God for my mistaken detour!

I wonder if the body subconciously detects what is going on, because the part that I describe as your stomach turning, actually felt like a bullet had already hit you at that exact part of your body. You just aren't sure yet about what it is that is going on, so you dismiss it as your stomach turning. I only stayed at that spot with the others until the police came, then I left. I had somewhere to go to and a time to watch.

As I walk on the other side of the street to get somewhere, I wondered how come I didn't react as strongly as one of the other witness'. Why was I not traumatized and shocked and speechless? Have I grown immune? I must admit I have been through many serious and shocking experiences. I once was close to being punched by a nazi when I was twelve in the subway, and if my body didn't on the count of reflex dodge him, I could've ended up having some severe beatings. When I was young, I also saw a girl who was a meter away from me fall onto the tracks when the train I usually caught to school came. I saw how she fell, heard how she hit the trains windsheild and screamed as she fell and was run over by it. I've even experienced domestic violence. I've seen many people unconcious, so unconcious that peramedics were called for emergency. Or like today, I saw a graduate who was unconcious on the ground outside a department store, his friend speaking to the police as the peramedics where trying to get him in the ambulance. The rest of the graduating class were 5 meters away and kept on cheering and celebrating their graduation - so insensitive, selfish and cold... no care whatsoever. another thing that happened today was that two railroadworkers where run over by a commuter train. One died, while the other one only had his legs injured. For this to be a day of joy for all the HS-graduates... a lot of awful things have happened. Somehow it feels as if I'm next on the Grim reapers list, all of these horrible things I see. I wonder if I'm the only one who has seen so many awful things? Probably not, or I know I'm not but amongst my circle of friends it feels like it. Otherwise I suppose I'm more like one to speak out about what I experience.

The main part about why I'm writing this is due to my quick recovery. I wasn't in an enormous state of shock. I found a way to keep walking and to stay sane. I found a way to not get too obsessed with the fact that I could've gotten inbetween. And then two minutes later I pass another graduated class who are all peachy keen. Some drunk guys offered me to celebrate with them. I merely said no, and my mind added there was a shooting further down the street, just a couple of minutes ago. It was if the shooting never took place. I kept moving, getting on with my agenda - like a machine. Is that what has become of us? Is that why we no longer have a strong moral courage in our respective states? Is this why it keeps diminshing and we appear more selfish? Is it because we day by day, increasingly resemble machines?

We eat, we sleep, we work - we stick to our agenda. If anything gets in the way, we find a way around it - because we need to stick to our agenda. Our agenda is important to us, and it mustn't be disturbed.


Accidents happen everywhere, all the time. And when you end up in a situation as I did today, we remember our agenda to forget that we were minutes away from possibly malfunctioning...



Articles (they're basically all alike):
http://www.expressen.se/Nyheter/1.2012558/man-skadad-i-skottlossning-i-centrala-stockholm
http://www.aftonbladet.se/nyheter/article7246575.ab
http://www.dn.se/sthlm/man-gripen-efter-skottlossning-i-stockholm-1.1116912
http://www.svd.se/nyheter/inrikes/man-skjuten-i-centrala-stockholm_4820295.svd

Putting a smile on a hollow body

~I'm drained. I'm empty.

I can't describe it. I can't even understand it. I don't even know the cause.

I have managed to get through this day by putting a smile on my face. I have managed to keep myself busy with mandatory things that I can't by any chance postpone. Then I finally reached home. I sat myself down and I tried to keep myself busy and distracted by studying for my exam tomorrow...

...but I can't. I just really can't. I can't because I feel empty and hollow - and I don't know why.

I feel like repeating those two things because that's all I can say about my current state.

I hope this will pass, I hope I'll get lucky tomorrow on my exam, I really hope it will fix itself soon. The feeling is dreadful...