Planning ahead

Whilst being in bed, trying to recover from this cold I have gotten, I have been trying to get as much homework as possible done so that I can finally have the energy to deal with my BA-thesis (yes, I'm still on square one). In between I watch movies, or catch up on various TV shows that I have been missing out on, catching up on sleep (not that sleep is easy when you have a cold). And now I seem to find myself planning ahead, like way ahead. The movies I have been watching lately are your average, cheesy, American teen movies, or awesome childhood, movie-adapted books, e.g. The Chronicles of Narnia, Philip Pullman's Northern Lights (although the Americans are always so special and change the title so the movie's named The Golden Compass). Anyways, point is: I have been on amazon looking for boxed editions of these books. Why? Because when I get my own children, I will be reading these books to them as goodnight stories. Simple as that. Now, isn't that some real future planning?

Sad part is that I spend time looking for boxed sets and then question which set is better or prettier instead of studying. Schiller's Die Räuber has basically been lying next to me in bed for the past four hours. Maybe I should get cracking... Yet I can't keep myself from thinking which books I would start off with first? His Dark Materials, The Chronicles of Narnia, and then Harry Potter? Or The Chronicles of Narnia, His Dark Materials, and then Harry Potter? Or should I introduce Harry Potter earlier on?

In sickness and in health

Lately I've been stuck in my room for multiple reasons, but the most relevant reason is due to my cold. It had a good timing since I didn't miss any of my German classes this week, however, I did miss out on my tennis class (turned out that it was shit according to one of my course mates, they got a substitute since our teacher Eugine/Yevgny/"some Lithuanian or Belarussian name" was sick too. Is there even a word such as Belarussian? Sorry, I meant adjective. Obviously.). But thanks to my waterbottle, me filling it up every hour and running to the bathroom every end of an hour, I think I've gotten most of the virus out of my body. I'm feeling pretty good though; no coughs and just a slightly clogged nose. This should mean that I can go play tennis with Catherine on Sunday. Catherine is Swiss and is here for a semester, unless she's already been here since January, and studies Swedish. Pretty cool since I always think that nobody wants to learn Swedish. Apparently the Germans and Swiss people do! (See, that's why I like the German language and people!!)

Anyways. even though I'm feeling loads better I still can't focus on homework. I've been trying to study French the whole day long but haven't done shit until now. And at the moment, I'm even taking a break after one hour. My teacher thought it would be good if I faire un résumé sur les trois séquences A, B et C, which I find really boring because when I try to write a summary I end up using the same verbs and it just ends up looking like plagiarism, and we are being taught at uni to not plagiarize. I've heard teachers nag about that since I was studying at Heidelberg and all that German scandal broke out in the media.

What else? Well, whilst being sick I have been a very good sport. Despite the cold I managed to clean the flat, iron every piece of garment left in the clean-laundry basket, bake cinnamon rolls (4th of October = cinnamon Roll Day! ...at least in Sweden, it is.), recycle and pay (more) bills. I even managed to cook some awesome dinner and lunch. Oh yeah! This sick girl is on fire.

Maybe I should get back to mes devoirs.
Bisous!

Schlummert ein. Bitte.

Nu börjar kroppen här att säga emot. Det är ju som vanligt inget bra tecken alls! Speciellt inte om min hals börjar svälla upp den också.

Sjuk är inte direkt det jag vill vara (eller bli om jag ska hålla mig till rätt tempus), dessutom har jag inte råd med det. Tentor börjar visa sitt fula ansikte, jag har ÄNTLIGEN lyckats bli bättre med läxor och diverse grejer, snart får jag åka till Köpenhamn och Malmö, och sedan kommer jag att få besök från både England och Spanien. So what the eff!?

Sjuk är det sista jag behöver...

Härmed har jag insett att de följande två dagarna måste jag gå och lägga mig tidigt och få åtminstone tio timmars sömn per natt, även nu till helgen. Sonst werde ich's nie schaffen!

Beach 2012 - or what am I doing?

I went jogging again! I am currently only doing small laps though because I am pretty afraid of my knee falling apart. And now that it is so sunny, I don't feel like going to any public swimming facility...

I created a new playlist for jogging in daylight, because my other one is more fitted for when it is dark. Anyways, as I returned home I ate a banana (I feel the interest hitting everyone) and decided to try a 5 minute belly fat destroyer. the video I found on Youtube and I thought it seemed interesting and now I want to put it to trial and see if it does work. Five minutes I can always spare! And if you want to too, the video is going to be embedded below.

Apart from having a nice jog in the cold and in the sun, it was very windy and I kept jogging in headwind. It made it 10x more fun and it felt like I really had to fight and that someone was pushing me to run better. Try it! I also saw the moon, which was visible to the naked eye and I think that is probably one of the most prettiest things you can see in your life.

Now it's an easy lunch with a movie: Un heureux événement.

It's hard to get back up on that horse!

So this past week has been a bit rough. I haven't been able to go to bed until about 2am. Well... it started off with 2am and now I'm going to bed at 3am. I need to get a grip and get better and more disciplined, because I am going to be my own downfall.

Speaking of downfall, for unexplained reasons I keep getting up at 10 or 11am. I sit in my PJs until I have to go somewhere. I pull out my syntax books and etc. but never touch them. I spend hours and hours on Spotify and Facebook just doing nothing. I stare at my profile for hours and delete and add things, trying to keep a nice balance between privacy and sharing stuff with friends. And then the sun comes out and I get so mad that I am indoors and in Sweden. I want to travel and I want to see the whole freaking world. More like nature actually - anyways! Yesterday I was wondering where to travel to next and for my empty slouch at the end of March I found really cheap tickets to the south of Sweden. I am going to go visit my friend Ivona in Malmö and we will be taking a day in Copenhagen. YAY! So now I'm all excited about it. I've also been looking at tickets to Sheffield because I want to visit Hamad before he graduates and moves to like Uzbekistan or something. I would even like to visit him in Uzbekistan actually. So many places I want to see!!!

BACK to reality. I'm in the kitchen and loving the sun that is shining like crazy, it's even melted the snow and now there's only ice. And that is very awesome because jogging on ice is one of the best things I know. Jogging in winter when there's tons of snow is also one of the best things I know. So here I go! Hopefully my knee won't go bye-bye on me...

Hah! So typical me: "Hmm a bit of stretching or something so that my iPod is fully loaded, and a snapshot!"
Therefor, the picture...

Oh! and Hamad, the next rap video is on it's way - by the end of this weekend. Promise.

That fine line you need to keep in mind

There is always some fine line between reality and imagination, and my dreams at night tend to be very vivid and rub that line so well that I often question if things in fact did happen. Although, I always know that they didn't, yet I never cease to be so fascinated about how real most of my dreams can feel.

So last night, my dream which will stay with me and in my mind, felt so real that reality was nearly an immense disappointment. I even felt a taste in my mouth ..perhaps that is what made it feel so real? A taste that reminded me of blood, and that in a good way (if there is a good way). I also felt so very sore and slightly wounded. Yet all of this in such a good way, and I am aware that it is hard to try to see it in a good way when I'm describing it so very briefly and on a very shallow level. No depth. But that depth and all the details are for me to keep and are not to be shared.

However, I only wanted to share that dreaming can really rub reality - something we all know though.

Thinking of a change...

I know that one of the things I want to change in my life this year is my health. I would like to stop binge eating, or actually: eating anything I see and in massive amounts. The amounts might not set themselves on my body but I still feel a laziness and this heavy cloud weighing inside of me. It doesn't sound good does it?

In general, it just makes me feel slower and a bit unhappier all in all. So I was thinking about how to change it this year. Either I go back to the gym and do some group sessions with barbells, jog and etc. or I switch it out to something else. I was considering starting hip-hop or dance in general, perhaps not ballet because that sort of messed up my limbs and my right knee. Then I thought about tennis but there were no classes that went well with my schedule. My mom eventually asked if she was supposed to toss the sports magazine from my uni in the bin. I decided to keep it and look through it, however, I knew all activities that they offered so I wasn't planning on looking through it all again. Yet yesterday while waiting for the clock to strike 8.20pm, I was flipping through the pages and found the swimming section... Now, I do not know how this all came to me but I suddenly wondered if swimming can tone one's body? And apparently swimming is one of the best exercises for the body and also a friendly one that strengthens your joints and limbs. I could use that thank you!!! My right knee has actually been giving me crap since my last two weeks in Heidelberg. Don't know why and I refuse to go to the doctor just to find out that I'll probably need an operation.

Either way... I might swap the gym for swimming instead.

I want to be able to swim like these people too!!!

Damn you Michael Phelps...

On a mission to regain 2 lost kilos

I do not know what has been up with me the past few weeks, but I was sick twice and for short periods. And everytime I get sick, it's the same story all over again - I manage to drop a few kilos. Kilos that took me years to gain, and that I now have to eat back.

With that said; I have had some seriously big cravings for carbohydrates. I have satisfied the cravings and fattened myself up with tons of pasta and bread. Fruit slips joyfully in to the picture, and the sight of chips and chocolate makes me sick. Even ice-cream, which I love!

At least, it is healthy cravings. I think that as soon as the ice starts melting away or is covered by a thick layer of snow, I will resume my jogging. It has been forever and I need to get out of this flat and just run!

When Sunday comes I will also be relieved. All the things I am juggling will be done and gone by the 15th. That's the big deadline. It is also on Sunday, that I will have gained some clarity on a specific issue. I think I already have the clarity though, I think I know what will happen, I must have anticipated it all along. I suppose I should see it as: recieving a confirmation of my anticipation.

Sunday... I think I will be wholly at peace by then.

Bonding times

I went to the movies today. I have not been to the movies in ages! So I decided to pick out an awesome flick. It resulted with "Eat Pray Love". The one with Julia Roberts (I love her, she is so pretty!), based on a true story.

I went with my mother. I thought that it would be about time that we did something together, since it has been a while. I also know that she has been missing me. I haven't realy been so fair towards her lately either. Most of the times I dicth her for friends, which is normal, I know. However, family also needs time. And my family only consists of one person: my mom. So I suppose I should be extra careful with her.
I know that I can be a real loner, and be comfortable with it. My mom on the other hand, is really lonely, she is that type of person who needs to be close to her family and feel that she has someone there. It does get a bit smothering but rather that than rejection, right?

So we went to see the movie. It was really good! Made me want to flee to India and meditate, find me, find my place and my wants. To be at peace and acceptance with yourself and your present... that would be really nice. Then go to Bali! Find my own Ketut to turn to and seek for guidance. See things, see the world! Oh, I really want to see more of the world. I hate sitting still and seeing the same thing every day.

After the movie, my mother was kind enough to accompany me to a vaccination clinique. I got my first dose of Gardasil. A vaccination against cervical cancer, which I was meant to take last December. I found my prescription from my original gynecologist, but paying over 1000SEK per shot (three shots = over 3000SEK) just doesn't feel affordable at the moment. So I found this clinique that I am talking about, which offered me 950SEK per shot, meaning that I'll save some money. Sweet!

Well, my point is: I got my first shot. And I just want to mention that I do not like getting them. My mother on the other hand gives them on a daily basis, and although it is only a part of her job - she actually enjoys sticking needles in people, so it is more of a hobby. And as always, she did have some slight complaints about the nurse, saying that the way she pressed on my arm while giving the vaccine, was prone to make me feel more pain and more stiffness from it. Which I of course did, and still do...

Now I am off to bed. Tomorrow I hope to wake up more disciplined. I shall start my day with a jog, shower, run off to Uni for some papers, head back home and study like SHIT! Because my exam is coming up and I have been wasting the first half of this week doing nothing.

Wow, I really suck at being disciplined...

Oh, and can you hear Florence as the "muzak"? Good choice, good choice.

Life

~now I'm really slipping up on private issues


My mother, who unfortunately fell ill after our return from the Philippines, is gradually getting better. Slowly, yet I hope steadily. This morning I took her to her MRI and hoping to get results immediately, we now have to wait. I don't know how long it'll take but I hope they work presto. Because if the MRI shows nothing (I'm kind of hoping for it since a thrombus in her brain is not what I wish for) she has to do another test. It's taking weeks to figure out what it is she has, and she's already gotten her eyesight back - what if the symptoms are grave and manage to disappear, just to reappear and "attack" again? How I wish that the doctors would rush and that her healing would too. But all things work within their time.

I've been praying a lot lately. I have been since July (before my mother even fell ill) and I haven't prayed for years. So it was a bit of a schock for me already then, to suddenly feel a strong connection to God. However, as in my last short post: I am upset with God. Yet I still keep on praying, it's a strange thing and I don't think I'm on his good side.

I don't pray for selfish needs. I pray for health and happiness, not just for me but for others too whether they'd be a close friend to me or an acquaintance. I pray for my mother to not have any more serious illnesses (she's been operated for two other tumors earlier) because it has been hard for me to watch my mother be weak and actually hurt. And to possibly go through that again is nothing I'm looking forward to. To be the only one there as support... I can't begin to describe how scary it is.

So the doctors say that it's either a) a blood clot in the brain or b) a nerve-paralysis. None are good options or outcomes.

This is why I'm upset with God. Unfair is just one word to begin with.

A Midsummer Nights Dream

~have you ever read that play? It's really good!


I work. I study. But I don't play. I have no time for play, and I'd rather not have the economy to play either. I'm off to Asia within less than a month and for the first time I have to stand for my own costs. Growing up, sucks!

Not only the fact that you have to pay for yourself, but right about everything gets harder. Making true friends gets harder, picking a path in life gets harder, parents get harder, you get harder, issues gets harder - even walking gets harder.


Yesterday I met Julia. Our Jules who moved to Brighton last September, and whom we haven't seen since then. I was so happy to see her, my childhood friend and a great friend, who I'll never let go of. She's doing great and I haven't seen her so happy as she was yesterday in a very long time. Julia really radiated of joy and happiness, and I who have always thought that I was happy noticed that I'm destructively putting up a facade. I'm not so happy after all. Things aren't going the way I've planned, I have no control of things and I can't let go of my current position in life to see where it {life} will take me. I'm too scared and I hope for too much.

Helen was released the day before yesterday from the hospital. She'll be flying home on Sunday and tomorrow she will host a farewell dinner. Last time when I visited her (which would be Tuesday), we had a walk around the premises and sat ourselves on a bench. I spilled out my childhood to her, every wretched detail and she declared me as "definitely messed up". And I agree.

I used to be able to be a normal girl. Never fail in chitchat and conversation, no matter what the subject was. Process information easily, store it in my head. Reasonable and very logical. Always doing well and never socially incompetent. However, I fear that I have become and odd humanbeing. It might as well all be in my head, but I can't possibly know.

I have to clean this flat ASAP since Habiba just called and said she'd come over. I could really use my childhood friends as much as possible right now. I miss them so badly, with them I can be me without thinking and without forgiving myself for my actions. I miss Julia the most, because she's furthest away from us. We all live in the same city but rarely meet - why is that? [And I wish, time wouldn't be an excuse.]



Before I go I must list the professions that I have seriously considered; musician, pediatrician, gynecologist, doctor, lawyer, economist, financial advisor (although this includes in the previous profession) and mathematician.


I have scrapped most of it, so that I can come down to two paths: lawyer or economist.

So why does my mother infiltrate my mind when she spontaniously asks me

"Have you ever considered becoming a doctor?"

Perhaps it's because she's a certified nursing assistant...

Russian roulette, the morning after and facts about teeth.

Yesterday was monday. Mondays mean (for me) piano and then what I love the most: Red Mondays at KGB Bar and restaurant. There I meet up with my childhood friends, my best friends and catch up on everything. Talk, laugh, philosophize and the occasional "debates".

At KGB we sit with Cecilia and listen to her boyfriend, his sister and his friend, play Russian folk tunes - sung in russian. And also, Swedish folk tunes sung in swedish. There was also one monday when Niko (her boyfriend) played his own composed song which was really good and well written (wonderful text!). They play and sing for about an hour if not a little more and somewhere around the middle of the performance or right before the end, they play a game of Russian roulette. Now, Russian roulette might not be the same without a gun (line stolen from Lady Gaga, haha) but their version is with vodka. I've always wanted to play the game but never dared so now that Ida was with I finally dared to send us up there. We stood in a ring with 4 other people, holding each others shoulders, dancing in a circle, 360 degrees, waiting for the music to stop and being shot in the back. I was the first to go and I was the first to choose one of the six shots. Five were water and one - the golden one, that we all wanted - was pure vodka. However, I took one of the five and "lost" with disappointment but my lovely Ida got the vodka even though she wasn't the last (wo)man standing. Her reward, apart from winning the vodka: to dance in the middle of the pub with a gas mask on for all of us to see! Keep in mind that the pub was filled with people everywhere but it was great fun and she did a good job dancing for our entertainment.

The morning after (today), I woke up at 6.40ish for my dentist appointment. An hour later I was sitting in a chair with my dentist taking x-ray pictures of my teeth and saying that they were really good and then lecturing me about how they suddenly were bad. What changed her mind was because I had tartar (tandsten). So there I was lying on a chair and while she dug and scratched away some tartar, my dentist started asking facts about teeth. And all of a sudden my whole appointment was a pop-quiz where I was guessing the right answers to her questions, and gladly nailing more than half. So I thought I'd share my new knowledge although many might already know it.

We brush our teeth to get rid of the remaining food that gets stuck between our teeth, and to clean our teeth and gum from bacteria. The food we eat doesn't necessarily get stuck and stay stuck until we've brushed our teeth, it falls off within time (apart from small particles like e.g. parsley  from time to time). Tartar is not caused by remains of food, it's caused by bacteria that you haven't brushed off. The bacteria will not disappear by using the right toothpaste since toothpaste is used for enhancing your teethes enamel with fluorine. (A recommendation to those who use or don't use fluorine tablets; rinsing your mouth for a minute with a liquid fluorine is way better than the tablets since they reach all areas and spaces in your mouth/teeth. It's more effective than tablets, which are more effective than nothing at all.) Bacteria will disappear if you brush well and long enough. Products like Listerine are not recommended because they'll corrode your teeth and gum more than they say and you think. By brushing hard you're wearing out the teethes surface and therefore we should not be using medium toothbrushes. The best toothbrushes are the soft ones or the electrical rechargeable toothbrushes since they also polish our teeth. (The latter gives a better result in getting rid of bacteria too.) If you bleed while brushing it's a good sign. No, it does not mean that you've gotten rid of small food particles (which some parents say), it means that you've gotten rid of bacteria, old bacteria. Saliva plays an important part. Saliva contains good bacteria's that help fight off the bad ones. However, if we "små-äter" a lot (like me, especially midnight food) then the teeth will never get a chance to get rid off the bad bacteria's since the saliva will be having new ones to constantly fight off. Therefore it is wise to wait 2-3 hours between every meal so that the saliva gets a chance to protect your teeth and most importantly your gum. Eating before going to bed is worse (if you don't wait with it until 2-3 hours later)! Why? Because your saliva, when you lie down, won't come in contact with your teeth and instead gather at the back of your throat. This meaning that your teeth will be suffering of corrosion the whole night, which is a lot of hours. And then my dentist went on ranting about flossing, what food and beverages that corrode the teeth - but I think we all know that part...and then just stash it at the back of our minds.

Now I shall resume to my sandwich... (Julskinka på julvörtsbröd! Yummy in my tummy!)

I wish I came up with that version myself!

What's beneath the surface

We are all unsatisfied with our bodies. There's always something wrong, something we want to change for our strive for perfection. Then there are those (few of those) who are perfectly content with their body.

I belong to both. There are so many things I wish to change but then there are limits that I don't feel are that needed to cross.

Since my trip back from London, I have had a dilemma with one of my breasts. It's bigger than my right breast, and I'm not that uneducated to not know that it's normal. However, when one of your breasts fill out its cup more than "perfectly" and the other has a moderate gap of air - trust me, you start to worry.

Not only was it the "filling of the cup" that bothered me, the decisive factor that made me call on my doctor was the fact that the "bigger" breast has constantly been swollen. I've felt on it, searching for any sort of lump, and found something bothering which I couldn't find on my other breast. To me it felt like a lump. It hurt when I touched it. It was slightly ball-like.

So today my doctor examined both breasts. Once when I sat up, and then again lying down. It took her a great deal of time and I didn't really want to look at her face. She was very concentrated and seemed to hesitate about what it was her fingers found. The longer it took, the more worried I got.

After 25 minutes of a stranger touching my breasts, my doctor finally made up her mind: there was no lump. What she had found (as well as I) was a tissue that was transforming. Apparently it wasn't dangerous and my other breast just didn't seem to have the same transition, therefore the difference in size. "Oh" was the only thing I could get out while I tried to figure out what important question I had to ask. So I then asked her if the other breast would catch up with the transition/size. Her answer was not quite what I wanted to hear.

As much as I was relieved for not having a lump, I then wondered if one breast could evolve and not the other. If the other boob doesn't evolve, will I have these abnormal breasts with different sizes? I'm not sure I want that...

I suppose she could tell from the look on my face that I saw my future as a very self-conscious woman dragging her left breast behind her on the ground, while the other sat perfectly on its spot. She then suggested: "Your breasts are asymmetrical. If it's bothering you, I suppose we could consider plasticsurgery." 

Now I'm stating my point for my introduction! As soon as she said that, I went from being unsatisfied with my body to perfectly content with my body. First off, the difference isn't that big! Second, if it takes time for my breasts to grow (although I'm 19 and I'd figure that they'd be done now) then so be it! I'm not going to get upset about things and jump to conclusion and change it. This is the way they are - asymmetrical - and I'll just have to like it, and wait for that matter! I'm not desperate, I've got time.

My body seems to be starting a revolution against me. I had something else checked up and that was the outbreaks on my face and neck. I've never been allergic to anything. All my life I've gladly been able to eat what I wanted, when I want it and in massive amounts (if the craving was high).

The past one or two months I have actually not been in contact with anything unhealthy. I've always been eating good home-cooked meals and salads. Until sunday when I felt that my separation from junk-food was too long. So I made tacos and had a taco-evening with my mother. It was a lot of tacos and I actually (surprisingly) cooked too much that it was my lunch and dinner from sunday-tuesday. Then monday night my skin, that never has had outbreaks but a few pimples from time to time, lashed out an outbreak city which spread down to my neck. 

I got very self-conscious and wore more make-up than usual. I finally went and bought my Clinique 3-step cleansers, which I waited so long with in hopes for this disaster to disappear. No such luck and yesterday I felt how my throat got swollen. It felt like the outbreak was taking over my whole body and then deciding on conquering my insides (meaning my throat).

The deal with this horrible disaster was (according to my doctor) that my body had changed during my months of healthiness and that it had changed so much that I don't respond well anymore to an excess of junk-food. Great! The thing I loved about myself: to be able to revel in food without gaining weight. It was gone. 

On top of that; my head is exploding with headaches, I'm dizzy, so weak that I can barely stand and coughing my esophagus out. I also just diagnosed myself with fever and I'm drinking water with salt in it to cool down my reacted throat.

I suppose I have to become a health-freak who watches what she eats now. Goodbye junk-food!

P.S. I feel that this song and video is totally not fit for my post but I really have to share it with whoever reads my blog. It's Riverside by Sidney Samson. The melody is addictive, the beat catchy - it's meant for dancing all night.