Rootless Tree

Am Ende kommt die Dekadenz, aber kommt der Vitalismus auch?

So this semester has been spiraling to become my own decadence. I have been reading about it for the past 6 months and now it seems like these books have been trying to point something out to me. My only question is if vitalism will also be happening some time very soon?

Why decadence? Because that's the best way to define how I have been feeling these past weeks (actually months) and how everything I have hoped for has turned out. The Zerfall of me seems to have taken place, slowly if not quick and hard. So... Decadence because I relate to the female characters that Arthur Schnitzler and Thomas Mann, even Theodor Storm and Gerhart Hauptmann to some extent, have depicted. Because had I been any of the women in Fräulein Else and Tristan, I would have done exactly what they did and their deaths are to me (in a pretty twisted way) beautiful. I can also imagine myself being a femme fragile during the Fin de siècle, on second thought: I probably was a femme fragile in my past life and still am in this life. No wonder why I am fascinated by Freud, Weininger and the philosophy and theory about hysteria and most intriguingly the Geschlechterdebatte. The (Zer)Fall der Frau never seems to bore me and the beauty of their deaths and their thoughts and hysteria are all pretty captivating. (This is probably giving you all the wrong image of me, I am not agreeing with men being the better sex or even the stronger sex, should that be an image you have of me now. I am just fascinated with the decadence and the fin de siècle.) My own feelings have been pretty dark and pessimistic lately, and very similar to the women described in the books I have read. My faith has seemed to wish the worst for me and all I feel is that I am slowly falling into my own modern decadence. Words can't quite describe how bad it all seems to have turned out right now, and frankly, I think everyone is better off not knowing.

Contributions to my decadence: The topic love. How one believes that a romance can regress to friendship, is completely impossible for me to understand. I have tried to understand, and even tried to put it in practice. Results are distressing and to no one's shock, very maddening. Ever heard of "meet me halfway"? Instead of being the only one trying to make an effort and trying to make it work out with respect for the other, without ripping up old wounds, both need to equally contribute to the phony friendship they are trying to maintain. Never ever try to be friends with an old flame - it won't work, at least not to both's benefit.
Another contribution to my decadence is education. As much as I thought I knew what I was doing, apparently I don't. I am basically drowning in a wide-open sea with the darkest tone of black as water. Let's call it (pure*) turpentine instead, because as transparent as turpentine is I apparently manage to fail and be blind to myself. I tend to always lose myself and get lost in the academic world - sometimes I wonder what I am even doing in it.
One of the least expected contributions is ice hockey. I have no idea why I am suddenly so obsessed with this sport and when Sweden didn't even qualify for the semi-finals my heart felt very heavy. What could ice hockey even substitute? In my life, I cannot find anything that could to the slightest bit be associated to ice hockey. Nevertheless, I have seriously considered becoming an ice hockey wife. Not that I am sure what it would require of me or what that lifestyle is like - I just know that ice hockey has been the only uplifting thing in my life this year. The one thing I have been looking forward to and that has nearly become my bible. However, (as I previously mentioned) the loss against the Czech Republic was a hard loss to accept. And how unexpected is it that Slovakia slid in on second place? I never really saw them coming.
One of the last contributions is funerals. I hate them, not that I think anybody loves them, but I cannot deal with loss. I do not know what to do, how to react, what to say... What I really can't deal with is acknowledging someone's death. Uttering the words, letting it slip out of my mouth to become reality is the hardest thing for me to do and accept. And I never react until it is time for the funeral, because that is the last evidence of death that is slapped across your face. I tend to pretend like death never happens, however, it's hard to pretend once you see a coffin and hear the sobs of family members. Although I wasn't close to my aunt's husband, he was still a part of our family tree. My sorrow was more for my aunt and a part of my disappointment for choosing not to attend the funeral, something I believe is one of my many mistakes in life.

Und wann kommt der Vitalismus? In literature and in Fin de siècle, vitalism came after the fall (in the books, the death of the women) in form of a new life, a new beginning (in the books, they were all in the form of babies). This semester is finally coming to an end. One week left with one exam and a presentation to go. I need to pull it off, one way or another. Then summer vacation begins, something I have been looking forward to very much. So hopefully this summer will act as my Vitalismus. I will be needing it badly.


*If turpentine isn't pure then it has a yellow-brownish color and a very characteristic smell to it. Therefor, I needed to distinguish which type of turpentine I was talking about.

Lieber Patensohn

It is soon that same time of the year when my godson will be celebrating his birthday again. What hurts is that I am on the other side of the world and in a completely different time zone. His day is my night, and my day is his night.

However, it doesn't stop me from sending him a present. Question is what I should get him this year. Last year I got some wonderful help from a store clerk on Hauptstraße. Unfortunately I am nowhere close to Thalia at the moment so I will have to improvise big time.

Tomorrow I will be meeting loads of friends for coffee and breakfast, and even drinks later in the evening. They better be able to brainstorm with me. I need tips!

This is it...

Today was great fun! I celebrated mom's birthday (finally). We went bowling and the queen of bowling herself kicked my ass as usual and she also landed herself spot four on the high score board for today's visited bowlers (or whatever you would like to call it). I still had some of it in me from those days when I had bowling practice too. I remember my bowling bag, my super cool and my own bowling ball, my awesome shoes and my skirt. Also my t-shirt with a bowling logo on it. I used to have class while my mom and her team would be on the lanes next to the kids, practicing for competitions that were coming up. Today my mom managed to do 3 strikes in a row. Just like before and a total of 7 strikes within three series: now this is her just warming up! So cool, and she gave me some advice just like before. Yeah we had a lot of fun, and it was so nice to see her get active in her favorite sport again.

Then it was the city, we did a bit of shopping, but actually we wanted to watch a movie. Only problem was that when we were gonna purchase the tickets they were all sold out. Rain check I assume...

We also had some hearty talks over dinner. I think it was much needed, I'm not one to open up too much, especially nt to my mom - so I guess she appreciated it a lot. One topic was love and I must say, it was a fun topic to discuss and we understood each other on a different level. Really nice! And tomorrow I can finally meet awesome friends of mine and have some coffee or whatnot. Christmas break is so nice to have!

Tonight I decided that I have had it! I am tired of sitting around waiting, stalking, wasting my time. I deactivated my facebook account and I need to keep it that way for another month at least. Once I get back on my feet, happy enough, focused enough and given myself that hard slap across the face I will be fine. Then I just might let myself activate that damn account again...

Mommy's birthday!

Today is my mom's birthday. Unfortunately I'll be working tonight but at the moment she has been cooking since early this morning (done a really good job) and her friends just arrived. So I'm gonna hang out in my room and try to start my last term paper and then join them for some food, steal some food, then head off to work. I really don't want to work but I should be happy that I even have a job. I need to save money for trips this summer!

Aaaaaaaaargh!!!! I really miss travelling and I always go somewhere. It's like some sort of drug and I need it pronto!!

The art of giving

Christmas has been around for a while now and tomorrow it will finally be the 24th for all of those kids who have eagerly been waiting for tomorrow to come.

I wish it could be just as an exciting and joyous event for my relatives in the Philippines as it will be for the majority of the world. It won't be though because about a week ago cities like Iligan and Cagayan de Oro, both down south, were victims of a huge flood. The disaster, which they also call a storm, took many lives and my family were victims too. Luckily they are all alive but all their possessions are gone. The house is flooded, possessions are washed away, the refrigerator is floating about; the water reached a level to which my relatives were forced to escape up to their own roof to stay safe. It could have been worse I presume, since many families still have missing members. There are about a bit more than 1000 people missing and many were killed by this disaster.

So my mother has tried to gather things we do not need and so are her friends. Anything that could be useful, especially clothes because that's something they definitely do not have anymore and they can't walk around in drenched garments for weeks right? So I spent my evening gathering whatever clothes I had not touched in months, what was too small or too big, what I had multiple designs of, gave them to mom and hopefully it will reach them soon enough.

I wish Christmas time could be free from disasters and problems and worries.

For some further news/updates, here are some articles:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16251316
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16312397
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16235672

A Crappy New Year

I had plans for New Years, that were made long ago. A sort of roadtrip with dear friends through x amount of countries. They changed; because I cared about my mother, who was planning on spending it alone. So I decided to spend it with her, hoping we would join forces with family friends or etc.

...apparently not. The night commenced a fight, which occured when my mother spilled out half the case of blueberries on the kitchen carpet. Since I haven't cleaned the place for like a week; I threw them in the bin. So somewhere from blueberries ending up on the carpet, to me, ready to cry because I was not spending New Years the way I wanted to; my mother had a major outbreak which leads her to expressing the words "maybe you should move out?". Blueberries to moving out... how the hell did that happen?

So New Years was spent in a very stiff enviroment, with me making dinner and dessert and planning where to see the fireworks; resulting in me sitting by my laptop all night sorting files because my room was already cleaned.

When I'm upset I clean, or sort things. You can now find all of my files on my laptop nicely sorted with dates and miscellaneous details on them.

Trying to occupy myself with sorting, I even managed to give space for worry. I was worrying about a guy I am seeing. I was (and still am) worrying about my feelings for him, and what he was doing at that moment under all the fireworks, and perhaps with whom ...if there was a whom. Also, knowing that I could have been with him instead, made me more disappointed than I already was.

My mother somehow, later pretended like nothing happened, so apparently we're in a "good mode" right now.

Happy New Years!

I hope everyone else had a better night.

Bonding times

I went to the movies today. I have not been to the movies in ages! So I decided to pick out an awesome flick. It resulted with "Eat Pray Love". The one with Julia Roberts (I love her, she is so pretty!), based on a true story.

I went with my mother. I thought that it would be about time that we did something together, since it has been a while. I also know that she has been missing me. I haven't realy been so fair towards her lately either. Most of the times I dicth her for friends, which is normal, I know. However, family also needs time. And my family only consists of one person: my mom. So I suppose I should be extra careful with her.
I know that I can be a real loner, and be comfortable with it. My mom on the other hand, is really lonely, she is that type of person who needs to be close to her family and feel that she has someone there. It does get a bit smothering but rather that than rejection, right?

So we went to see the movie. It was really good! Made me want to flee to India and meditate, find me, find my place and my wants. To be at peace and acceptance with yourself and your present... that would be really nice. Then go to Bali! Find my own Ketut to turn to and seek for guidance. See things, see the world! Oh, I really want to see more of the world. I hate sitting still and seeing the same thing every day.

After the movie, my mother was kind enough to accompany me to a vaccination clinique. I got my first dose of Gardasil. A vaccination against cervical cancer, which I was meant to take last December. I found my prescription from my original gynecologist, but paying over 1000SEK per shot (three shots = over 3000SEK) just doesn't feel affordable at the moment. So I found this clinique that I am talking about, which offered me 950SEK per shot, meaning that I'll save some money. Sweet!

Well, my point is: I got my first shot. And I just want to mention that I do not like getting them. My mother on the other hand gives them on a daily basis, and although it is only a part of her job - she actually enjoys sticking needles in people, so it is more of a hobby. And as always, she did have some slight complaints about the nurse, saying that the way she pressed on my arm while giving the vaccine, was prone to make me feel more pain and more stiffness from it. Which I of course did, and still do...

Now I am off to bed. Tomorrow I hope to wake up more disciplined. I shall start my day with a jog, shower, run off to Uni for some papers, head back home and study like SHIT! Because my exam is coming up and I have been wasting the first half of this week doing nothing.

Wow, I really suck at being disciplined...

Oh, and can you hear Florence as the "muzak"? Good choice, good choice.

Bianca 2.0

This year I turned 20 and I feel indifferent. Honestly, I do.
Many of my friends have sort of made it into a deal: "20 Bianca! 20! How do you feel!?" Nothing. If anything, I've gotten more anxiety about the future! It's creeping so sneeky up to your front door and the next thing you know... well, it's whatever it is you'll find when you open that door. Now, I'd like to keep that door shut until I am ready to go out. I would assess that to... hmm, let's say NEVER! However, we all need to grow up and there is no pause button on life so I'll just have to roll with it.

My day: it has been great! My friend Mathilda suprised me. So I met her at around noon, dressed to impress with high heels and back-ups in my bag. She bought me lunch and then we roamed around the city until 2pm. Headed off to "Old Town" where I was to be blind folded(!), took the bus, got off at some random station and walked until we had arrived at our final destination. Which was "Berwaldhallen", one of Stockholm's concert halls. I was really shocked, I thought it would be a movie or something similar to that. I even guessed "Skansen" (the zoo) and "Gröna Lund" (the amusement park) yet ended up being very wrong. Nevertheless, I was very happy with my gift; a concert with Mozart's piano concerto and Shostakovich's 10th symphony, the pianist being Jonathan Biss. I really enjoyed it, especially since it was ages since I went to the concert halls. I almost forgot how much I love classical music, especially live - so this gift was very meaningful to me.

Later we headed back into town and met Sofia. Fun! I got some up-dates about my high school; boy am I glad not to be there now to experience it! Crazy things were told. I ate two cheeseburgers to satisfy my birthday-stomach and headed home for a set birthday dinner. Very enjoyable!
And now it's 2am; I'm writing this before heading off to bed. I've cleaned my room too. I mean really C-L-E-A-N-E-D, I've tossed many things and made more space, there's even dust on the floor now. Wow! Cleaning and cooking is really meditating. Speaking of cooking, my mother got me "Nigella Express" which I can't wait to try. All the recipies looked so yummy and I felt like diving in to all the pots and pans at once! She also got me Rubik's cube... I guess I got some solving to do. I'm determined to triumph the cube, yet it might take a while; a long one.

So the birthday girl, who already feels too old to go out to party (I'm really not that much in the mood for clubbing these days), stayed at home and cleaned her room. She is now going to bed; one year older, more updated = 2.0

On my mother's card, to me:

"As you look back on your past...

I wish you an attitude of appreciation for all the lessons that you've learned. I wish you a sense of gratitude as you remember every experience. I hope you have no regrets to trouble you and to try to steal your joy, for even less-than-positive experiences teach us lessons and help to shape who we are.

As you look to the future...

For every question not yet answered, for every dream not yet realized, I wish you a tomorrow that will hold you gently in its arms and create that perfect way to make your dreams come true.

And for the rest of your life...

I wish you love and acceptance and peace and satisfaction. May you reach every goal you set for yourself and do all the things that you want to do. May every person who is important to you celebrate this day with you.

I wish you a birthday filled with happiness, and if I've missed anything, I wish that for you too."

A text from Donna Fargo.

I love Dorothea Tanning! This piece of art is titled "Insomnia". I saw it about 3 years ago at Moderna Museet, here in Stockholm. I did a paper on it (got an A++ yay!) and I just stood and stared at it for hours. I think it was at least 2,5hrs and the funny part; that wasn't even enough to analyze. I could've stood in front of it for much longer. Also, it's so detailed it was impossible to catch everything. Objects overlap each other; creating new patterns, symbols, emotions and even new objects. If you moved from one point of the room to another, you'd see something new and have a completely different perspective of the painting. Everytime I blinked it felt like the figures on the canvas had moved ever so slightly, and that something new was created. It's an amazing painting!

If you get the chance to see it (Insomnia) at an exhibit, then you must go and see it! It's very much recommended.

Life

~now I'm really slipping up on private issues


My mother, who unfortunately fell ill after our return from the Philippines, is gradually getting better. Slowly, yet I hope steadily. This morning I took her to her MRI and hoping to get results immediately, we now have to wait. I don't know how long it'll take but I hope they work presto. Because if the MRI shows nothing (I'm kind of hoping for it since a thrombus in her brain is not what I wish for) she has to do another test. It's taking weeks to figure out what it is she has, and she's already gotten her eyesight back - what if the symptoms are grave and manage to disappear, just to reappear and "attack" again? How I wish that the doctors would rush and that her healing would too. But all things work within their time.

I've been praying a lot lately. I have been since July (before my mother even fell ill) and I haven't prayed for years. So it was a bit of a schock for me already then, to suddenly feel a strong connection to God. However, as in my last short post: I am upset with God. Yet I still keep on praying, it's a strange thing and I don't think I'm on his good side.

I don't pray for selfish needs. I pray for health and happiness, not just for me but for others too whether they'd be a close friend to me or an acquaintance. I pray for my mother to not have any more serious illnesses (she's been operated for two other tumors earlier) because it has been hard for me to watch my mother be weak and actually hurt. And to possibly go through that again is nothing I'm looking forward to. To be the only one there as support... I can't begin to describe how scary it is.

So the doctors say that it's either a) a blood clot in the brain or b) a nerve-paralysis. None are good options or outcomes.

This is why I'm upset with God. Unfair is just one word to begin with.

Heatwave

~tired of mathematics

It's so warm in Stockholm. And I wish I could sit outside and sunbathe - but no! I have work to do. For once in my life, mathematics is a obstruct for me. I can't believe that I can't solve the math problems on my exam. It's pissing me off. I usually never have difficulties but apparently mathematics at a university level is harder than I expected. And I'm stuck inside in our flat trying to solve so many stupid equations. I even feel like quiting this course already! Summer is here and it will soon go away - I think I'd like to make the most of it. However, no matter how nice the weather is, I refuse to be a quitter! I won't quit, unless I'm forced which means that they'll have to fail me to quit.

On iTunes I've created a summer playlist with songs that make me happy. And other things that make me happy are pictures of clouds on a bright and sunny day. These are pictures of my neighbourhood, my ghetto, my hood.

Something that was a bit fun, was that yesterday my mother and I were in her bedroom ransacking her closet looking for something that she could wear for the wedding she's attending in Gothernburg. The whole weekend alone - I like it. We found clothes that she had put away for our vacation in the Philippines. Slowly we started putting together outfits for different occasions,
and I was extremely pleased with what I had put together for myself. Vacation countdown: 20 days left!

A Midsummer Nights Dream

~have you ever read that play? It's really good!


I work. I study. But I don't play. I have no time for play, and I'd rather not have the economy to play either. I'm off to Asia within less than a month and for the first time I have to stand for my own costs. Growing up, sucks!

Not only the fact that you have to pay for yourself, but right about everything gets harder. Making true friends gets harder, picking a path in life gets harder, parents get harder, you get harder, issues gets harder - even walking gets harder.


Yesterday I met Julia. Our Jules who moved to Brighton last September, and whom we haven't seen since then. I was so happy to see her, my childhood friend and a great friend, who I'll never let go of. She's doing great and I haven't seen her so happy as she was yesterday in a very long time. Julia really radiated of joy and happiness, and I who have always thought that I was happy noticed that I'm destructively putting up a facade. I'm not so happy after all. Things aren't going the way I've planned, I have no control of things and I can't let go of my current position in life to see where it {life} will take me. I'm too scared and I hope for too much.

Helen was released the day before yesterday from the hospital. She'll be flying home on Sunday and tomorrow she will host a farewell dinner. Last time when I visited her (which would be Tuesday), we had a walk around the premises and sat ourselves on a bench. I spilled out my childhood to her, every wretched detail and she declared me as "definitely messed up". And I agree.

I used to be able to be a normal girl. Never fail in chitchat and conversation, no matter what the subject was. Process information easily, store it in my head. Reasonable and very logical. Always doing well and never socially incompetent. However, I fear that I have become and odd humanbeing. It might as well all be in my head, but I can't possibly know.

I have to clean this flat ASAP since Habiba just called and said she'd come over. I could really use my childhood friends as much as possible right now. I miss them so badly, with them I can be me without thinking and without forgiving myself for my actions. I miss Julia the most, because she's furthest away from us. We all live in the same city but rarely meet - why is that? [And I wish, time wouldn't be an excuse.]



Before I go I must list the professions that I have seriously considered; musician, pediatrician, gynecologist, doctor, lawyer, economist, financial advisor (although this includes in the previous profession) and mathematician.


I have scrapped most of it, so that I can come down to two paths: lawyer or economist.

So why does my mother infiltrate my mind when she spontaniously asks me

"Have you ever considered becoming a doctor?"

Perhaps it's because she's a certified nursing assistant...

Busy night

~where to start?

I had work at 7.30am. Opening the store, slightly solo. It was basically me and the kids, although I count myself in that category too. But guess who was the "boss" for the day? And so it went on until 5pm. I actually left work 5.40pm because I felt like prepping a bit (meaning that I actually worked over time for free) so that the ones who closed wouldn't have too much to do (what a maternal thought), and I crossed my fingers and hoped that the closing would go well. Then as I sat on the tram to town, I noticed that I forgot to clear my mess in the storage - so I'm expecting some ass-whooping when I get to work. Somewhere inbetween I tried to squeeze in some German with my study cards.

Then it was dinner at Helens. I messed up her pasta. I dropped everything in the sink and we had like 6 or 7 pastas in the "pasta"-sallad. All I could taste were the pepper bells, and we know how I feel about them... I brought a strawberry cake as dessert which probably made up for it. and before you knew it I was off to my mentees going away party. Kind of sucks, since I've just gotten to know her and everything and she's a lot of fun. Such a sweetheart!
There I hung out with a majority of Korean people, some from Japan, one complete Swede, usw usw. Some I had met at the Japanese Cakeparty.

And before you knew it again I had to move on to the next party, the Eurovision party at the pub Professorn at Lappis. GERMANY WON! They had a great song, and it must be a tad historical since they haven't won in 28 years. OMG, did you guys see the Flash mob!? I wish I was with in that, it would've been so much fun! Either way, I also thought that Belgium was good, the John Mayer look-a-like with the John Mayer-essence. Haha...

So a long evening and a late nighter... I haven't gotten the eight hours of sleep which researchers say I need... but I really need to study for my upcoming exam. And soon I will be working again...


Life's a rollercoaster, and I wish I could say something new and more original than that.

Today is Mothers Day.

Here's my surprise for my mother when she gets back from work today. Don't forget to congratulate your mothers and to show them love!

My mother and I

My mother and I are so inconsistent at times. At the same time we're very consistent. A bit (quoting a friend) "Gilmore Girl"-style. I suppose there's a point in that. We're super close, we're the only two people who establish our family. Well okay, we've got relatives and such who are family too but I suppose my point is still quite clear...

What I love about my mom is our conversations. And where and when we have them. Last year, slightly after my birthday and when I was chanting nervously about future plans in despair, we sat for three hours in our hallway and talked. She sat on a low table while I sat down on the floor against the wall. We sat there and just talked and talked without thinking about time or considering sitting in the living room. I think we spoke til 2am that night.

Friday night, after the All English Society party, I came home and found my mother asleep. And (I just noticed how rude I was) I woke her up to let her know that I was at home. What was supposed to be a 5 minute update ended up being a two hour conversation about parties, boys, student unions, university, work, you name it. She was lying in bed and I sat on the floor next to her bedside table.


Point is, I love my long talks with my mother. They're not always good. Usually there's a lot of arguments, boy you should hear them! We're not always on the same page.
However, we have more talks that are nice and bonding than we have bad argumentative ones.