DAGENS I-LANDSPROBLEM: How I ended up staying in on a Saturday...

Right, so this is my first video-blog. And I do a premiere by whining about the probably cancelled building party and how I dressed up in vain. Enjoy! or ignore it and save 10 minutes of your life.

A Night Out

I haven't been out to a party in ages. I was out with Mathilda on our last night in Amsterdam but I'm counting the parties in the homecountry.

It really has been ages, and I'm actually scared and nervous this time. I'm usually not, and I always get excited and want everything to start as soon as possible; yet tonight the story is different. I'll be going to a party at Lappis on my own! I always have a wingman or two, but not tonight; I'm flying solo.
There will be Amnesty people there and we were going to try and meet up. I was also invited to a preparty at on of the girls' place. At the moment I'm really not in the mood to go to any of them but it should come to me when I sit on the train.

I also, can't keep myself away from socializing, I really need to put myself out there more. Especially now when most of the people I know are gone. I was supposed to study before leaving BUT my mother decides to change my schedule by asking me to go with her to Hornstull. We checked out some cupboards because she wants to redo everything in our kitchen. I really don't know why I had to go, because everything is anyway goign to be done her way and I really needed to study. And tomorrow I have half the day to study because I'll be working later.

I also met Liatrice today. A random voice just yelled out my name at the mall and I turn around and find Liatrice. It was really nice to see a familiar face, it feels like it's been a while...

Anyways, this chick is getting herself ready for tonights adventures. Let's hope I don't get home too late!




(Fixed and ready to go!)

--I am indeed, standing on our toiletseat.

Any given Friday

~it's the weekend!


Wow, what a week! I've been both unefficient as well as efficient.

The unefficient side is that I haven't been bothered to open and read all the chapters in all books for English I. Although "The Study of Language" with all the alveolar and stuff is slightly new or basically self-evident information just new fancy names/terms for it, is the only "rejuvenating" yet not so exciting book for me to read. The rest is like a re-run of grade 4 when we did our first projects and essays, teach me something new other than "how to write a paragraph" and I'm not so suprised that coherency and unity is important in a text. "The Study of Language" is also a re-run of English from my senior year. However, I wasn't so alert and managed to pass with an effortless A because of my one "great" essay. Yes, I probably didn't deserve it because of my lack of interest and commitment. And I think I've ended up in a new twin cycle of it... We'll see how I do with this course.
All I can say is that I appreciate the fictional literature books we read, as well as expanding my vocabulary with all the vocabulary exercises we have. I've also made some new friends; one which I actually really like and search for in the lecture halls. The smaller groups are a different question... I guess I'll leave it at that and just say that I haven't quite warmed up to them, let alone given it a real chance.

So my efficient side is my engagement in Amnesty! I'm so happy to be this active and actually trying to pull of a small campaign. If somebody would've told me that I'd this active and care so much after graduating from High School, before I actually graduated - I would never believe them. Before, I just wanted to mind my own business and do my thing. I was incredibly shy and wanted to just help/serve others than try and steer something on my own. Well suprise: Bianca has changed!
So I decided to try and do a small campaign to help ECPAT and the children across the globe who are victims of Commercial Sexual Tourism, for International Children's Day. I don't know how many organisations I've been calling around to and just hasseling them with information and help with my project.
A really cool thing I wanted to fix was a collaboration with Cinema Politica, make them screen a documentary about the main focus and try and inform, as well as enlighten, others about this particular issue. I think I can pull it off since I finally got two documentaries and a 13(!!!!) kilo heavy box filled with pamplets and inofrmative papers from ECPAT. Which - FYI - I needed to carry all the way home with my bare arms, and they figuratively felt like spaghetti-arms as soon as the weight came off of them.
I'm really hope that I'll pull this project/small campaign of mine off with great success! Or else it'll be very embarrassing.

Tonight I was out in town, Amnesty had a social event so that we all could get to know each other and relax a bit. It was really nice! We spoke about tons of stuff, a lot about Swedish history (which I then decided to zone out of), politics and education systems. We were at Gamla stan (Old Town) and sat outside at this cosy café that had such sweet coffee mugs. We sat and talked until it got dark and candles were everywhere. It was so nice, now one also made some more friends and apparently there was going to be a party tomorrow night at Lappis. I think we're all going, I know I am and I hope it'll be good. I guess my study-weekend took a sudden turn. Well, anything for a social life really. And also, anything for a great college life.

Bisous!

Recap on Amsterdam

~Okay, the blogger is back!

Was hab' ich gemacht?? Ja, ich war in Amsterdam! Toll!

Amsterdam. Has it's downsides, but has so many upsides (no, not talking about the coffeeshops or Red Light). I wasn't expecting much really. I'm just such a traveler, I want to explore and see places, be bewildered and gobsmacked by everything die Erde has to offer. I want to go back packing through the rest of Europe I haven't seen, sleep under bare night skies, walk along beaches, discover small sweet cities, FOOD CULTURE! Imagine all the things your palate hasn't discovered and touched and just completely devoured... Wow, I'm really getting off track!

Where was I? Right, Amsterdam. I really had low expectations, I wasn't prepared on falling in love with this city of canals. Everything so small and cosy, buildings' magnificent architecture, the sights, the vibes - I really fell in love.

I kept telling Mathilda that I wouldn't mind living there for a while. An apartment high up in a beautiful building, overlooking an idyllic canal with a quiet street. The dreams that came to me while walking through the city...

The top of the icing was Tuesday night when we went to a concert. Of course, I went to hear Modest Mouse. They are THE band, they hold all of my childhood memories, they're like my bread and wine. It was definitely a night I'd never forget. And I just keep on wanting to go back to it, all the time.

I really can't wait to be on the move to my next destination!

It's starting to feel lonely

It's been a while. I don't know how many of these posts I've started, then saved, then deleted. Lost inspiration, gained it, then lost it again. I can't write unless I feel like it. Yet it has been a while now and I suppose I can't leave it completely undated. So where to start..?

I'm starting to feel lonely. People start moving away to other places, obligations start to occupy all your time, you get cranky, you dream big and hope for better things. So! Two, or actually three, of my friends have all moved from the city. Two to the UK and one to the west coast. I'll miss them a lot, more now that they're not a tube-ride away. UK isn't that far but it's still in a different timezone, the west coast is in the same time zone just a different region.

I started crying at Ida's party when I hugged her before leaving. I felt a bit exaggerated just because I knew that she'll be in the same country and not the other side of the globe. Louise left yesterday and I managed to text to her as well as I could. The nice thing, that keeps me happy, is that I know that I'll be meeting her soon (in a month). Reunited with Helen too. And a funny thing is that it seems like everyone moved on the same day; Tuesday.

Okay, losing my thread here. Lately I've been taking friends' departings kind of bad, if not a tad, exaggerated. Why? I don't know. I've also started to miss people who parted from me before summer a whole lot more. Thought about them more, etc etc.

I once said that I usually adapt to any enviroment, and new enviroments, very well. I guess I grew apart from it. I don't adjust as well to new things anymore. I get a bit intimidated yet try to walk curagiously with it. It's all a sign of my fear of being left behind and alone.
I'm not completely alone, I still do have friends left in the city. Just not as many as before. Your large safety net disappears, you're a bit on your own, you're used to old patterns, you're finding your own way in your own time...

Some people seem to see their guidelines, as in; what to choose, how to get there, facing the fear, being superflously observant. I on the other hand, I walk blindfolded guessing my way to what I think I want. And the amount of friends, who used to be there to comfort and hold your hand, have diminished so that you feel alone.

My true habitat

~it's good to be back


Things that have happened today are quite a lot.

Today I ate breakfast out in town with my childhood friend Ida. My childhood friend, one of my best friends, is moving away from the city. She's starting a new life with her boyfriend down in the west coast. Far away but still in the same country. As much as I'll miss her, I have no doubts that she is following her own path. Afterall, we can't all stay in our nests of security - we need to fly on our own. Unfortunately this piece of information came all too sudden to me, and it was a sudden decision I supposed.

I'm really going to miss you Ida! We never had enough time to meet although we were in the same city, now she's moving to another city and meeting up will be harder. Either way, it's not forever and we'll meet sooner or later. Change for me is just a bit hard to adjust to...

Later we did some small shopping before the short goodbye. Then it was off home to later leave again. this time for my Amnesty meeting, which I really enjoyed. It was a lot of fun, and I also got my two wishes through; doing campaigns for ECPAT (End Child Prostitution, Child Ponrography & Trafficing) and for the flooding in Pakistan. Pakistan has to be prioritised first due to it's level of seriousness and the cholera spreading.

Below is a petition for ECPAT via Body Shop that is good for people to sign!
http://www.thebodyshop.com/_en/_ww/values-campaigns/stop-trafficking-select-country.aspx?

Life

~now I'm really slipping up on private issues


My mother, who unfortunately fell ill after our return from the Philippines, is gradually getting better. Slowly, yet I hope steadily. This morning I took her to her MRI and hoping to get results immediately, we now have to wait. I don't know how long it'll take but I hope they work presto. Because if the MRI shows nothing (I'm kind of hoping for it since a thrombus in her brain is not what I wish for) she has to do another test. It's taking weeks to figure out what it is she has, and she's already gotten her eyesight back - what if the symptoms are grave and manage to disappear, just to reappear and "attack" again? How I wish that the doctors would rush and that her healing would too. But all things work within their time.

I've been praying a lot lately. I have been since July (before my mother even fell ill) and I haven't prayed for years. So it was a bit of a schock for me already then, to suddenly feel a strong connection to God. However, as in my last short post: I am upset with God. Yet I still keep on praying, it's a strange thing and I don't think I'm on his good side.

I don't pray for selfish needs. I pray for health and happiness, not just for me but for others too whether they'd be a close friend to me or an acquaintance. I pray for my mother to not have any more serious illnesses (she's been operated for two other tumors earlier) because it has been hard for me to watch my mother be weak and actually hurt. And to possibly go through that again is nothing I'm looking forward to. To be the only one there as support... I can't begin to describe how scary it is.

So the doctors say that it's either a) a blood clot in the brain or b) a nerve-paralysis. None are good options or outcomes.

This is why I'm upset with God. Unfair is just one word to begin with.

Religion

I'm upset with God.

It's menacing

~being sick


I hate this, this wasn't supposed to happen but of course: I got sick. Like heavily sick, my fever shot up to 38.8 and I got the big chills and shivered under a blanket wearing a cardigan and my jeans trying to get warmth so that I could sleep. I felt like vomitting, falling apart, collapsing as soon as I stood up, running to the bathroom every 30 seconds - I haven't felt this bad in a long time. And this was last week, at around thursday and now it's monday and it's still not gone. Better, but not gone...

I fear that it'll ruin my trip to the beach and my last week. I still have things to do and see, stupid cold! Not to mention that the doctor I managed to see prescribed me medicine that didnt work, medicine that was really expensive and resulted in me popping four different pills 6 times a day (2 were supposed to be taken twice a day). I can't fucking sleep and I'm still as sleep deprived as I was before I left for this vacation but also once I'm here it seems like nobody lets me sleep at all! Always something to tell and something to do or an obstacle. No wonder why I'm sick. Then the mosquitos start biting me, I have so many mosquito bites I'm afraid of getting the Dengue-fever. The one thing I really don't want to have. And apparently if I'd get it, I need a blood transfusion and my blood type belongs to the rare type here in the Philippines... meaning Good Luck Chuck, I'd probably die in that case since no one would have my type.

Speaking of dying, I had a bad dream while I was napping. I dreamt that a drugdealer who was my friend until I saw that he was dealing drugs by accident, was out to kill me. I've never been so afraid (or I have and even more afraid) since it felt so real and the guy dealing it had the same face as my classmate from my German course at SU. Freaky! I was basically pleading for my life, and for my mothers and her friends life because I didn't want to die. I kept saying that I hadn't lived yet and that I still need to get children and that my mother has to see them before we die. Awful!

A Bengali Fig tree at a garden in Makati.

My mom found a new baby named Jackfruit.

The only beach I managed to get to in Cagayan.

PHILIPPINES!

~kumusta ka!?


Mom and I are in the Philippines! Mom's roots, my roots! So we've been in Manila and I've been trying to get my broadband to work. Then after purchasing the darn USB, you see everywhere at each fastfood restaurant that you can sit there and use their free WiFi - I bought a USB for nothing!

Weather has been treating us quite good actually, although 'tis the rain season and typhoon season. However, I really want to go to the beach but I'm afraid it'll rain. Besides I want to go to Boracay and nowhere else. But, I gotta feeling that we're not going to go there, if to any beach at all!

Here's some pics of what we've done so far - mostly shopping. Oh btw! I forgot to mention that my mom and I were sitting having dinner with Nica (my friend) at a mall and at the stage like 4 meters away Jason Derulo got on stage and had a mini concert, probably some presss release publicity thing. Quit cool (note: I'm no fan), although he started and ended EVERY song with the wailing noise of: "Jason Deruloooo". Gosh, the new narcissus right? How egocentered can a guy get, we know your name already!!! (No wonder why I'm not a fan of his...)




Scrap the pics - I couldn't upload...

Florence + the Machine

~my exact cup of tea!


I love this artist, the songs are exactly what I love to listen to. I like pretty much all genres, but certain genres and certain artists are holy to me - and Florence is now dubbed holy by me.

Of course Cecilia would know that I would like this (to Cecilia: thanks for the Spotify invite btw, I'm so behind!).

Off with the roots

~getting rid of hair


I must recommend this saloon I went to to get my legs waxed. They were so good, and the technique they have is so not from the stone-age but up-to-date. I've only waxed myself once before and it was okey but not all too great. The wax was way too warm and got me to twitch so much it was as if I had ticks. This salon had a more up-to-date method and technology, I'm telling you - I thought I would die but I didn't, I basically felt nothing!

The place is called Del Carmen, it's situated right by Vasaparken more towards Odenplan. The woman who waxed me was so good. She actually got nearly each strand of hair off! She used a roller, which is much more gentle and feels less like you're being slaughtered. Of couse for the bikini part she used that wax which you warm up - the one that made me twitch - but it was so smooth. And even though the warmth was apparently high as it's temperature showed, the creamy substance soothed more than hurt/burned. It was so much fun (perhaps not the best word for it), and she even mentioned that it contained white chocolate which made me laugh. Either way, I think I've found my place and my person. There's probably no better place than Del Carmen!

Travelling

~escaping reality and everyday life


I've booked my flight to Bremen. I am so excited, this summer will probably be one of the best ones by far. On Monday, I'll be off to Philippines - I've missed that place so much! A month in Asia, hopefully a week by the beach, shopping, meeting friends and cousins. And a lot(!) of sleep and relaxation. BEAUTIFUL!

After my arrival to home sweet home, I'll be working for a week and then I'm off again to Bremen where I'll be with Helen for five days or so. I've missed Helen like crazy, she'll show me Bremen and we're plannign on attending an author's reading. Then I'm taking the train from Bremen to Copenhagen, for a connecting train to Malmö. Malmö is where I'll be meeting Ivona, whom I haven't met in ages. I'll be hanging out with her for four days until I have to head back home. Then it'll be work for a week and then bye bye Stockholm, hello Amsterdam and Modest Mouse!

When I return from Amsterdam I'll be found at University taking English I. Not quite my plan but there's a thought to why I will being studying it...

Missed the Boat

~Modest Mouse

While we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ear's door, but you were always out.
Looking towards the future, we were begging for the past
well we know we'd had the good things, but those never seem to last,
oh please just last.

Everyone's unhappy everyone's ashamed,
well we all just got caught looking at somebody else's page.
Well nothin' ever went quite exactly as we'd planned,
our ideas held no water but we'd use 'em like a dam.

Oh and we carried it all so well
as if we'd got a new position.
Oh and I'll laugh all the way to hell
saying "Yes this is a fine promotion".
Oh and I'll laugh all the way to hell.

Of course everyone goes crazy over such and such and such,
well we'd made ourselves a pillar, but just used it as a crutch.
We were certainly uncertain at least I'm pretty sure I am,
well we didn't need the water, but we still built that good goddamn!

Oh and I know this of myself,
I assume as much for other people.
Oh and I know this of myself,
we've listened to more of life's end gong than the sound of life's sweet bells.

Was it even worth it? Was there all that much to gain?

Well we knew we'd missed the boat and we'd already missed the plane.
We didn't read the invite we just danced at our own wake.
All our favorites were playin' so we could shake, shake!

Shake, Shake, Shake!

Tiny curtains opened then, we heard the tiny clap of little hands,
a tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all them folks,
sitting drifting round on bubbles then (thinking it was us that carried them),
when we finally got it figured out, that we'd truly missed the boat.

Oh and we carried it off so well
as if we got a new position.
Oh and we owned all the tools ourselves
without the skills to make a shelf with.
Oh what useless tools ourselves.

--from We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank

-

After a long day - heaven is home. Not keeping troubles or issues in mind, just wanting to collapse on a soft object and unwind. Taking it easy, two steps at a time with the beat: right-left right-left.

People outside. Friends, families, probably even lovers. Alone, walking by heading to heaven. Not caring about the vicinty, keeping focused on the goal - home. Taking it easy, up the stairs, inhaling-exhaling: breathing.

Keys fumble among tired fingers. Hands turn to unlock the last barricade:

Heaven at last!

...Until something, that has been pushed far away to a place of non-existence in mind, appears. In a small package and letter it lays on wooden floor. Something of sentimental value, something of good will, something suppressed.

The package: a necklace with matching earrings, both an adolescent design. Disgusting yet immediately a sentimental value. Unable to throw it away or even give it away, it stays in its package to be hidden.

The letter, short and concise, reads a message. The words, not meaning what they say, leaves a code to decipher. Awakening a mixed emotion, the one thing you want to do and in these moments can do - you can't...

My June

~in pictures

The older you get...

~...the more wretched things you experience



Today, I stayed home until I decided to grab my co-workers shift at the store. She only needed to get off the two last hours which were closing hours. I took them just to help out but also for the money, I mean I'm going on vaca soon. I need them - if you catch my drift...

Either way, I did nothing but math and sang along to my iTunes (which I do constantly even when iTunes is not on) and I heard nothing but myself. I also played some piano during the day just because. As my mother comes home she tells me that we had policemen in our stairwell. I was shocked and asked why. Apparently our neighbours had burglars. Our neighbours weren't home but still! Think if the burglars decided to pick our appartment which I was alone in. Not nice.

Either way I couldn't really help out and I don't know what to say about myself. I'm shocked that I didn't hear a single thing. Those burglars must've been super-silent... Lets hope that they won't come back.

Heatwave

~tired of mathematics

It's so warm in Stockholm. And I wish I could sit outside and sunbathe - but no! I have work to do. For once in my life, mathematics is a obstruct for me. I can't believe that I can't solve the math problems on my exam. It's pissing me off. I usually never have difficulties but apparently mathematics at a university level is harder than I expected. And I'm stuck inside in our flat trying to solve so many stupid equations. I even feel like quiting this course already! Summer is here and it will soon go away - I think I'd like to make the most of it. However, no matter how nice the weather is, I refuse to be a quitter! I won't quit, unless I'm forced which means that they'll have to fail me to quit.

On iTunes I've created a summer playlist with songs that make me happy. And other things that make me happy are pictures of clouds on a bright and sunny day. These are pictures of my neighbourhood, my ghetto, my hood.

Something that was a bit fun, was that yesterday my mother and I were in her bedroom ransacking her closet looking for something that she could wear for the wedding she's attending in Gothernburg. The whole weekend alone - I like it. We found clothes that she had put away for our vacation in the Philippines. Slowly we started putting together outfits for different occasions,
and I was extremely pleased with what I had put together for myself. Vacation countdown: 20 days left!

Nachtzauber

Hibernate

~from my issues.

I just want to lie under my blanket in my bed and cry.

A Midsummer Nights Dream

~have you ever read that play? It's really good!


I work. I study. But I don't play. I have no time for play, and I'd rather not have the economy to play either. I'm off to Asia within less than a month and for the first time I have to stand for my own costs. Growing up, sucks!

Not only the fact that you have to pay for yourself, but right about everything gets harder. Making true friends gets harder, picking a path in life gets harder, parents get harder, you get harder, issues gets harder - even walking gets harder.


Yesterday I met Julia. Our Jules who moved to Brighton last September, and whom we haven't seen since then. I was so happy to see her, my childhood friend and a great friend, who I'll never let go of. She's doing great and I haven't seen her so happy as she was yesterday in a very long time. Julia really radiated of joy and happiness, and I who have always thought that I was happy noticed that I'm destructively putting up a facade. I'm not so happy after all. Things aren't going the way I've planned, I have no control of things and I can't let go of my current position in life to see where it {life} will take me. I'm too scared and I hope for too much.

Helen was released the day before yesterday from the hospital. She'll be flying home on Sunday and tomorrow she will host a farewell dinner. Last time when I visited her (which would be Tuesday), we had a walk around the premises and sat ourselves on a bench. I spilled out my childhood to her, every wretched detail and she declared me as "definitely messed up". And I agree.

I used to be able to be a normal girl. Never fail in chitchat and conversation, no matter what the subject was. Process information easily, store it in my head. Reasonable and very logical. Always doing well and never socially incompetent. However, I fear that I have become and odd humanbeing. It might as well all be in my head, but I can't possibly know.

I have to clean this flat ASAP since Habiba just called and said she'd come over. I could really use my childhood friends as much as possible right now. I miss them so badly, with them I can be me without thinking and without forgiving myself for my actions. I miss Julia the most, because she's furthest away from us. We all live in the same city but rarely meet - why is that? [And I wish, time wouldn't be an excuse.]



Before I go I must list the professions that I have seriously considered; musician, pediatrician, gynecologist, doctor, lawyer, economist, financial advisor (although this includes in the previous profession) and mathematician.


I have scrapped most of it, so that I can come down to two paths: lawyer or economist.

So why does my mother infiltrate my mind when she spontaniously asks me

"Have you ever considered becoming a doctor?"

Perhaps it's because she's a certified nursing assistant...

A Wonderful Sunday

~floating on a cloud


Last Sunday was wonderful! I was completely high on happiness.
What raised my spirits was the concert at Stockholms Concerthall. It was the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra with the conducter Gustavo Dudamel. Did I love it? YES!

It was unbelievable. They were so good and I was so happy to sit there and have the privilege to listen to them. It was completely sold out too. So many people from Venezuela were there, and for once in your life - there was an enormous warmth in that room which I've never felt before. It bothers me to admit that we Swedes are very withdrawn and dull. We're sometimes too formal that it bores me to death, and I am so glad that for this concert we let loose and tossed the dullness aside!
Before the concert began, when entrance was being taken, the applause were much more different; more welcoming and in a way full of longing. The Venezuelan wave took over, you applauded "with all your might and heart". The orchestra was spectacular. These kids (okay, they're not really kids, more like 22ish) really listened to each other and connected. They had a perfect understanding, the conducter had no scores in front of him and at one point he just stood and waved the beat while they kept playing on. How remarkable isn't that!? And this is a youth orchestra! As the concert ended and applaudes were being collected, I'll tell you - it was the best thing ever. Standing ovations, applaudes that lasted for ever, red-pink and sore palms... and the one time in your life when you can toss this dull etiquette of ours aside - we cheered, whistled and roared! Everyone seemed to go quite bezerk, and I wondered if the Berlin Philharmonics recieved this much gratitude as well?


Either way, it was immensly great! Bravo! Perfecto! Bravissimo! etc, etc... A great programme.

Carreño: Margariteña
Ginastera: Fyra danser ur Estancia
Stravinsky: Våroffer
Dvorák: Slavisk dans nr 8 g-moll (extranummer)
Bernstein: Mambo ur Symfoniska danser ur West Side Story (extranummer)


All the pieces were beautiful, and naturally my ultimate favourite (apart from the marvelous and humorous Mambo) was Stravinsky. No surprise there if one's favourite composer is Shostakovich, I'm bound to love Stravinsky too.
However, the best performance was Bernstein's Mambo. It really lifts your spirits, and you can't help but get carried away with it. Oh, how I wished that my mother had just forced me with the violin instead of piano. Just sitting there watching; I badly wanted to go home and pick up the cello again, work my way up so I too could be a part of it! It was freekin' splendid!!!

After the concert, I felt like running down the street humming out the Mambo piece and yelling Mambo where ever I went. But I did no such thing of course...
Ending the night, the girls and I went to visit Helen. We watched the match between Germany and Australia. Do I need to clarify who won with 4-0? No offense, but the land down under had no chance against Deutschland.

All in all, the day was fantastic, and the soccer game was the cherry on top!

WATCH THIS VIDEO! And you will understand why I got so high last Sunday.

It was amazng to watch. You wanted to stand and yell MAMBO with them. Look at the fun! They dance with their instruments and let loose and just play together. Fantastic things that I wish I could be a part of (and I bet you do too).

Look what I found

~Graduation concert: Beethoven sonata 25 in G Major [2009]

Sorry about this video. Crappy sound and picture! And not my best preformance, some major mistakes. The original video was lost. It's so strange that this was a year ago...

Oh! And if you'd like to know which part was my favourite to play, it was the second movement a small passage at 4:58.

To the left: Me getting ready for the concert. To the right: Julia (violin), Eric (vocals/viola) and I (piano ...obviously!)

Fill my wardrobe with...

~Reem Acra, Marchesa, Ted Baker, Elie Saab, Azzedine Alaïa, etc.


Lately I've actually had time to go through some Autumn-Winter 10-11 collections by my favourite designers. I also checked up some new ones whom I've never heard of before.

Check out Elie Saab's AW10-11 collection, especially the jewelries. And also (one of my absolute favourites - big time!) Reem Acra's collections and jewelry. If I had the money, I would've bought all of Reem Acra's garment. One of my favourites is the one I posted on December 1st.

Other designers I keep an eye out on are; Marchesa, Azzedine Alaïa, Roland Mouret, Stephane Rolland, Caroline Seikaly, Matthew Williamson, etc. The list is slightly long.


Back to my mathematics then...

designs by Reem Acra

Modern Day Machines

~experiencing a shooting


Imagine this...

You're walking in the sun, in the city. A safe neighborhood which you semi-grew up in because you went to school there your whole life. You're listening to your iPod on max, pondering on what to wear for tonight. You see two busses pulling up, you hear a small noise resembling a firecracker, you leave your thoughts for a second, a man in front of you runs along the street. You keep walking and have never stopped - more people run, but this time against you like a stampeed. You notice that you are alone on the street, your stomach takes a turn. You pull out one earphone and hear someone behind you yell, to someone hiding a bit further on, to run back to the end of the street. That person runs and tells you to run too. You're gone in mind. Then slowly comprehending what you've recently picked up by ear, you slowly turn your body around and follow them. Behind the corner in safety a couple speaks of blood, while others say gunshots. Someone got shot and all you think is "that could've been me".



What I'm telling you to imagine is what I experienced today. A shooting in Stockholm. It was so surreal, just like anything else this serious that I have ever encountered. I was at the same spot as a man got shot, I basically had front row seats. And what kind of makes me a bit speechless about it is that I could've come inbetween the firing. I wasn't far from it, and had I not by accident taken a detour from the park I would have been exactly between the man who dismissed the gun and his victim. Thank God for my mistaken detour!

I wonder if the body subconciously detects what is going on, because the part that I describe as your stomach turning, actually felt like a bullet had already hit you at that exact part of your body. You just aren't sure yet about what it is that is going on, so you dismiss it as your stomach turning. I only stayed at that spot with the others until the police came, then I left. I had somewhere to go to and a time to watch.

As I walk on the other side of the street to get somewhere, I wondered how come I didn't react as strongly as one of the other witness'. Why was I not traumatized and shocked and speechless? Have I grown immune? I must admit I have been through many serious and shocking experiences. I once was close to being punched by a nazi when I was twelve in the subway, and if my body didn't on the count of reflex dodge him, I could've ended up having some severe beatings. When I was young, I also saw a girl who was a meter away from me fall onto the tracks when the train I usually caught to school came. I saw how she fell, heard how she hit the trains windsheild and screamed as she fell and was run over by it. I've even experienced domestic violence. I've seen many people unconcious, so unconcious that peramedics were called for emergency. Or like today, I saw a graduate who was unconcious on the ground outside a department store, his friend speaking to the police as the peramedics where trying to get him in the ambulance. The rest of the graduating class were 5 meters away and kept on cheering and celebrating their graduation - so insensitive, selfish and cold... no care whatsoever. another thing that happened today was that two railroadworkers where run over by a commuter train. One died, while the other one only had his legs injured. For this to be a day of joy for all the HS-graduates... a lot of awful things have happened. Somehow it feels as if I'm next on the Grim reapers list, all of these horrible things I see. I wonder if I'm the only one who has seen so many awful things? Probably not, or I know I'm not but amongst my circle of friends it feels like it. Otherwise I suppose I'm more like one to speak out about what I experience.

The main part about why I'm writing this is due to my quick recovery. I wasn't in an enormous state of shock. I found a way to keep walking and to stay sane. I found a way to not get too obsessed with the fact that I could've gotten inbetween. And then two minutes later I pass another graduated class who are all peachy keen. Some drunk guys offered me to celebrate with them. I merely said no, and my mind added there was a shooting further down the street, just a couple of minutes ago. It was if the shooting never took place. I kept moving, getting on with my agenda - like a machine. Is that what has become of us? Is that why we no longer have a strong moral courage in our respective states? Is this why it keeps diminshing and we appear more selfish? Is it because we day by day, increasingly resemble machines?

We eat, we sleep, we work - we stick to our agenda. If anything gets in the way, we find a way around it - because we need to stick to our agenda. Our agenda is important to us, and it mustn't be disturbed.


Accidents happen everywhere, all the time. And when you end up in a situation as I did today, we remember our agenda to forget that we were minutes away from possibly malfunctioning...



Articles (they're basically all alike):
http://www.expressen.se/Nyheter/1.2012558/man-skadad-i-skottlossning-i-centrala-stockholm
http://www.aftonbladet.se/nyheter/article7246575.ab
http://www.dn.se/sthlm/man-gripen-efter-skottlossning-i-stockholm-1.1116912
http://www.svd.se/nyheter/inrikes/man-skjuten-i-centrala-stockholm_4820295.svd

Exam and Graduation

I just got home from my last Exam for Beginners in German II. It went so bad, I'm so ashamed! I know that I kow more than I showed on the test. It's just that I haven't found my way around things the last week. I couldn't find my study routine and I've kept falling behind. I've also been more focused on the friends that I have who are leaving and the news/updates on Gaza. Been trying to keep myself active in that area. so it has all taken over my study time. I'm fully exhausted! Late nights, overload of German spinning around in my head, balancing work, extra "curricular" activities... I even got a headache this evening.


I sat almost the full 3 hours and afterwards I wound up at Helens to be fed some great pasta with pesto. Helen, Emily, Marlis and I. Then home, now home. I spotted an awesome cloud on my way home (I'll be posting a picture of it here.)

So, tomorrow is a big day! As one can hear from miles away, all HS Seniors are graduating to and fro. Tomorrow it is Mathildas time to run out in her white dress through the doors to freedom. I'll be there, Louise will be there, others will be there, her family will be there...

I kind of would like to graduate again. The whole process is fun. Very liberating, which it should feel like with all right.

Protect the ship Rachel Corrie!

~I've been a bit slow with the news, I know.


Bless Ireland for sending another ship to Gaza! I hope that it will reach its destination and help the people who are barricaded there. I also hope that the people onboard the ship won't be targets of violence. However, DN (Dagens Nyheter, a Swedish newspaper) informed us readers that the Jerusalem Post has confirmed that an anonymous Marine Officer tells that when they boarded the first ship, they acted as if it was war and that the next time this happens they will be using bigger forces.

Irelands Prime Minister Brian Cowen has threatened Israel that if any of the passengers on board Rachel Corrie gets injured, Israel will be suffering severe consequences. I think that is right said, this has gone way out of line and Israel must be madly blind and stupid to not see what it is they're doing. Not only does the Secretary-General of the UN Ban Ki-Moon (Ban is his family name, so western-wise we would say Ki-Moon Ban) demand this barricade to seize, the whole World is. Can you be more blind when the whole World is revolting?

To show support and responsibility as a citizen of planet Earth, here is another petition to sign for the protection of Rachel Corrie:

http://www.namnlista.se/ship-to-gaza-skydda-rachel-corrie/

So the US proposed Nethanyahu an independent commission of inquiry. Let's hope it gets done, but the newspapers say that the political sources in Israel have told him not to rush into to his decision.

Also BBC and Sky [News] have decided to refuse Gaza aid appeal. Why? (And I sort of understand, they want to be all diplomatic and shit, but this is like a major exception. This is not the time to be diplomatic when devastating events shock the whole world.) This is taken directly from cnn.com "Sky News said airing the appeal would compromise its reputation for fairness".

It only states Sky News but I suppose if two newspapers support each other in action, it's because of the same reason. I say support the majoring voice in this World. We don't want to mistakenly say that it is by any chance okay to barricade people! We are trying to say the opposite and bring back sanity.

Update: The "Gaza: Investigate the raid, end the blockade"-petition has reached 300,000 signatures and it's still being signed! (I wonder if I could get my mother to sign it? She's not so fond of signing petitions because she's afraid that her name might end up in the wrong hands.I can understand that though.)

Putting a smile on a hollow body

~I'm drained. I'm empty.

I can't describe it. I can't even understand it. I don't even know the cause.

I have managed to get through this day by putting a smile on my face. I have managed to keep myself busy with mandatory things that I can't by any chance postpone. Then I finally reached home. I sat myself down and I tried to keep myself busy and distracted by studying for my exam tomorrow...

...but I can't. I just really can't. I can't because I feel empty and hollow - and I don't know why.

I feel like repeating those two things because that's all I can say about my current state.

I hope this will pass, I hope I'll get lucky tomorrow on my exam, I really hope it will fix itself soon. The feeling is dreadful...

Gaza petition update

~things are looking a bit brighter.


According to the petitions website (http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_flotilla_3/?cl=590385993&v=6404); within less than 24 hours there were over 200,000 names signed and the number keeps on increasing. The new goal is 300,000.

The petition was sent to the UN and action was taken. Perhaps not a large one, but something we can rejoice about is that the UN has approved an international investigation.

Please sign if you already haven't!

http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_flotilla_3/?cl=590385993&v=6404

Take action - NOW!

Dear Readers,

what is happening in Gaza is insane and inhumane! What we have acknowledged in the news, especially these past two days, is horrific. We all need to show opposition to the Israelian raid, we need to put our foot down for our government and other governments for them to take action. We all need to take responsibility as humanbeings for everyones humanitary rights, and strive for justice. The least we all can do, is to sign a petition to show our consensus and support for the Palestinians!

I was provided this link via our Amnesty International group at SU. Please sign!
"The petition will be delivered to the UN and world leaders, as soon as it reaches 200,000 names -- and again at every opportunity as it grows and leaders choose their responses. A massive petition at a moment of crisis like this one can demonstrate to those in power that sound bites and press releases aren't enough -- that citizens are paying attention and demanding action." (With hope; Ricken, Alice, Raluca, Paul, Iain, Graziela and the rest of the Avaaz team.)


http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_flotilla_3/?cl=590385993&v=6404



I have signed, and hope that you too will sign.
They need our help and support.

Reykjavik Reykjavik, home of Bjork!

The last screening of Cinema Politica for this semester (hopefully they'll be back next semester with equally as good if not better documentaries). And the last screening was Dreamland, a documentary on mainly the natural resources but also a bit on the enviormental issues, living issues and the whole she-bang about Icelands future.

Quite interesting, and at the end there was a Skype-session for questions and answers with the director (or writer of the book which the documentary was based on). Catch for this Skype-session was; that the one who had the best question would win a can of ashes from that volcanoe that "recently" erupted (Eyjafjallajökull).

So much more to say about Dreamland but I'm too tired and my bed is looking very good over there in the corner...


Links to Dreamland:
http://dreamland.is/
http://www.cinemapolitica.org/node/1332
Watch it!

David Guetta

~ inside my head.

These two songs just won't leave my head. And they definitely give me "Happy feet"...

The latter gives me ultra-mega-dancefeet. I can't even walk normally on the streets when I listen to this on my iPod.

Busy night

~where to start?

I had work at 7.30am. Opening the store, slightly solo. It was basically me and the kids, although I count myself in that category too. But guess who was the "boss" for the day? And so it went on until 5pm. I actually left work 5.40pm because I felt like prepping a bit (meaning that I actually worked over time for free) so that the ones who closed wouldn't have too much to do (what a maternal thought), and I crossed my fingers and hoped that the closing would go well. Then as I sat on the tram to town, I noticed that I forgot to clear my mess in the storage - so I'm expecting some ass-whooping when I get to work. Somewhere inbetween I tried to squeeze in some German with my study cards.

Then it was dinner at Helens. I messed up her pasta. I dropped everything in the sink and we had like 6 or 7 pastas in the "pasta"-sallad. All I could taste were the pepper bells, and we know how I feel about them... I brought a strawberry cake as dessert which probably made up for it. and before you knew it I was off to my mentees going away party. Kind of sucks, since I've just gotten to know her and everything and she's a lot of fun. Such a sweetheart!
There I hung out with a majority of Korean people, some from Japan, one complete Swede, usw usw. Some I had met at the Japanese Cakeparty.

And before you knew it again I had to move on to the next party, the Eurovision party at the pub Professorn at Lappis. GERMANY WON! They had a great song, and it must be a tad historical since they haven't won in 28 years. OMG, did you guys see the Flash mob!? I wish I was with in that, it would've been so much fun! Either way, I also thought that Belgium was good, the John Mayer look-a-like with the John Mayer-essence. Haha...

So a long evening and a late nighter... I haven't gotten the eight hours of sleep which researchers say I need... but I really need to study for my upcoming exam. And soon I will be working again...


Life's a rollercoaster, and I wish I could say something new and more original than that.

Today is Mothers Day.

Here's my surprise for my mother when she gets back from work today. Don't forget to congratulate your mothers and to show them love!

I can't find the energy to do it.

German is driving me nuts and exhausted! I can't be bothered to open my books and sit and study. I blame the sun! And I blame my damn social life and my work for getting in the way and consuming my precious time and energy. I should be channeling it all on my studies but no, other things come up. I would love to try and keep me to myself for a full week, in preparation for my exam. I have a feeling that I won't achieve as well as I did on my former exam. Oh God heeelp meee!

And apart from that I keep looking at clothes, shoes, accessories that I don't need or can't afford. And since when did I become the type of materialistic person who wants a model of a dress in three different designs?

*chanting to myself: "I'm not becoming materialistic! I'm not becoming materialistic!"*

Here are the dresses btw, if you'd like to know what's calling my wallet. All of these are from H&M...

I settled for one though, it's the one to the left.

Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love

On a cold summernight like this, looking out through your window, seeing all the trees in the dark and somewhere amongst them spot one small lantern that seems to be out on the field... - this song couldn't fit better.

As it is titled, for some strange reason I feel a hope for love. Not that I've felt the contrary, it has just emerged to an excess today. Also, this song has made me feel more confident about the future.

I think this song gives a moment of "wishful music that could play during epic moments in your life". I guess I'm having mine now...

Had I been to this concert in Tokyo, then I would know that I could die happy.

Love the whole Japan-theme.

Wenn ich fliegen könnte, was sollte ich tun?

~proofread and corrected by Helen Hoffmann.


Wenn ich fliegen könnte, würde ich um die Welt fahren. Ich würde über die Seen und durch die Wälder fliegen. So hätte ich den besten Blick über die ganze Welt. Das Leben ist kurz, und wenn man fliegen könnte, müsste man die Zeit gut verbringen, weil man nicht wüsste, , wie lange man noch fliegen kann.

Am liebsten, würde ich nach Ägypten fahren und die Pyramiden sehen. Ägypten ist wirklich ein Land voller Abenteuer! Vielleicht würde ich eine Mumie oder zwei sehen, und in ihrer Nähe bleiben. Ich würde keine Angst haben, weil ich weiß, dass die Mumien mir nicht schaden können, weil ich fliegen kann.
Wenn Ägypten langweilig finden würde, flöge ich nach Südafrika. Dort würde ich eine Safari machen wollen. Ich würde um den Tierpark fliegen, und ich würde keinen Reiseführer brauchen. Ich würde bei den Zebras fliegen, und die Löwen ärgern, weil sie mich nicht fangen können.
Durch die Wälder wollte ich auch fliegen. Im Wald würde ich schnell fliegen. So schnell, dass die Blätter von den Bäumen herunterfallen könnten. Dann könnte ich laut lachen und wie ein Vogel auf einem Ast sitzen und zwitschern. Manchmal würde ich auch meine Mutti oder meine Freunde auf einen Ast mitbringen, sodass sie auch den Ausblick sehen könnten. Ich glaube jedoch, dass sie Angst vor Höhen bekommen würden. Vielleicht brächte ich sie nicht mit…
Wenn ich fliegen könnte, würde ich mit allem, das schnell ist, konkurrieren. Zum Beispiel: könnte ich einen Meteor sehen, würde ich mit ihm beim Fliegen konkurrieren. Dann könnte ich sehen, wer schneller ist! Allerdings ist es ziemlich gefährlich, also würde ich es vielleicht nicht tun. Ich weiß, meine Mutti wäre sonst nicht so glücklich mit mir! Und ich wollte keine Ausgangsperre bekommen, wenn ich fliegen könnte.

Wahrscheinlich müsste ich auf den Boden kommen, um Essen zu essen. Oder für den Schlaf, wenn ich müde bin. Das beste Essen ist das Essen meines Mutters. Sie kocht sehr, sehr gut und weiß, was mein Lieblingsessen ist. Deshalb würde ich nach Hause fliegen müssen. Ich esse viel und das weiß meine Mutti auch, deswegen kocht sie viel Essen. So viel, dass der Tisch keinen Platz für mehr Essen hat. Natürlich teile ich mit mir, aber bleibt Essen über, dann würde meine Mutti ein Lunchpaket für mich machen. Das Paket kann ich mit in die Wälder bringen, und es dort essen.
Wenn ich schlafen wollte, würde ich auf einer Wolke schlafen. Ich finde mein Bett ziemlich gut, aber eine Wolke ist klar besser! Sie ist weicher und flauschiger, also kann ich besser schlafen. In der Nacht würde ich zu einer Wolke fliegen und auf ihr sitzen. Dann kann ich alle Sterne zählen und ihnen verschiedene Name geben. Am Himmel gibt es viele Sterne zu zählen, daher würde ich nach einer Weile sehr müde sein, und auf der Wolke schlafen.

Das ist was ich tun würde, wenn ich fliegen könnte!

- This was the last paper for my German course. Now I just have to prep for the exam, and I'm already worried about it. -

A cancelled picknick

Today all the attendees of the picknick were hoping for good weather, turns out that it has started to rain and thunder. Plan B was to move it indoors and have a brunch instead. Well the brunch is happening, I just decided to stay in. At my place.

I have too many things to finish, I can't attend everything, I have to consider all the school work I've got piling up. Or åerhaps not piling up, but definitely not piling down. So I've been in front of Calsuphur typing my German paper. I had two choices; a) write a bookreport on a book about friendship, written by a German/Austrian/Swiss author, or b) write a paper about what it would be like to fly and what you would do if you could fly. I actually wanted to do a) but I couldn't find a book about friendship. Kafka writes more about fatherless love and strange encounters, Freud has the whole psychoanalys and the only book I've got by him is the interpretations of dreams. I haven't come around to Schiller, don't think I ever want to read Marx, Hesse could work but Steppenwolf has nothing to do with friendship. So I'm left with b). and so far I think it's going good. It sounds like the easier task but it isn't, we have some crappy grammar thing to follow and for the first time I have met might first barricade in German. I don't quite get this grammar rule, but I think I've already started to understand it a bit.

So it's thundering outside, the rain whipping my window and lightning struck somewhere out in the field behind our neighbourhood (I think). Sounded like it anyway.
It's quite cosy though. Writing the paper, Mozarts piano trios playing in the background, a candle lit next to Calsuphur on the windowsill, my glass of juice, the pitter-patter and the thunder... The grey outside. I like it. Feels safe and inspiring.

Panorama view of my window. It was also darker outside than the picture depicts.

Here's a really beaufitul movement from one of my most favourite trios:

I beg your pardon?

Stockholm is really hot these days, at least this past week. Since I had myself some waxing I am finally able to wear nice summer clothes. So I picked a dress that I ordered for a month or two ago. Although the dress itself isn't super short nor long, I decided to wear my shorts under it. Unnoticed yet there.

When I arrive with the metro home and get off at my station, a man walks past me and tosses a comment. He tells me to pull down my dress because he found it too short. Adds on a "Can it get any shorter? Our religion doesn't like that." Then when he's on the escalators he keeps glancing back giving me abominating looks. Right...

Where to start? First off; it's warm like hell! I don't feel like covering up, hiding away from the sun and sweating myself to death. Second; I pick what I want to wear. Just because this vicinity has a majority of his religion, doesn't mean that their rules of religion apply to all of us. It doesn't even apply a vicinity, it applies you who practices it. Don't hassle me with it, I'm just another citizen with a different belief. Orka! Third; he should've been darn happy that I even wore shorts under this dress. Had it been shorter and no shorts under, then he would've caught a glimpse of my knickers. And that has got to be a hell-of-a-lot shorter than my dress really is. fourth; don't go "For the bible tells me so" on me with the whole abomination crap. Don't read in too deep in your religion. What we wear has nothing to do with our various beliefs. I don't think God cares about it, clothing has nothing to do with your morality and ethics. (Okay, I actually know a lot of people/religions who take clothing seriously - but that's basically saying "what counts is what's on the outside".)
Old man(!), You are not my father. You are not my mother. You are not my stylist or anything similar. You are not entitled to address this comment to me, only keep it to yourself.


I will continue to wear my dress with joy and keep my shorts under. Screw you.

My body hears your body

~ a little title from We Are Scientists.


Recently came home from the Rix FM concert thing at Kungsträdgården. Yes, it was one of those events that if you ever have attended it you were like 14 and going through the horrific teen-identity, group-pressure, i-want-to-be-cool-and-oh-so-grown-up stage. What we call in Sweden for "fjortis". My only intention of being seen there (as well as Louise's) was due to Joshua Radin. That magnificent man! We both fell inlove... Such a great artist with great music, yet it wasn't suprising that we heard some people around us say "Joshua Radin? Who's that?". Ignorant people... He's probably one of the best artists out there!

Apart from that I managed to squeeze in some "fikas" with friends. Very nice indeed, but prio one of my day was my waxing appointment. First time, more painful than I expected, very warm wax and spasm/tickel attacks on my behalf. (I bet that Mathilda could support that fact. Thank you for coming with!) Oh God was that wax warm like fire, but I managed to hold out. It was quite painful in the beginning but after a while I got a bit used to it, even though I had some small spasms due to the wax's warmth. Apparently I had many bruises that she had to avoid too, which sucks - all of them come from work. I don't know how I bruise up so much, I don't even feel if I bruise up but oh well. At least I can finally go out with nice and hairless legs! Absorb the sun and wear those skin revealing garments that I've been waiting for.

I also managed to miss a great building party close by campus. Shit! I even got a phonecall from friends over there and I was here playing Mahjong... Mahjong! OMG, what is wrong with me!?!? Then apparently they saw the sunrise on the roof and what not. It was more like 600 people there although the facebook event said 400, and the cops came in the end. Why do I always manage to miss out on the fun stuff?
It's going to be strange returning to Uni in the fall and noticing how many people I usually see there be gone. I'm not liking it, remember I'm a child who hates goodbyes and changes.

I have a new cup of tea: documentaries...

Tonight my mother and I watched a documentary. It was titled "The Taking of Patty Hearst", based on the foundation of SLA and obviously her kidnapping, along with her little Stockholm syndrome.

Short run through: SLA (Symbionese Liberation Army) was a result of a prison visitational program and political film. Their main belief was "...we define its (symbiosis) meaning as a body of dissimilar bodies and organisms living in deep and loving harmony and partnership in the best interest of all within the body." As usual, most radical urban parties end up going too far, the SLA became a form of terrorist group within the States. Their activeness lasted for about two years, during these years they managed to commit acts of violence, two murders, bank robbings and the very famous kidnapping of Patricia Campbell Hearst.

The whole documentary focused on Hearsts kidnapping. How her family tried to help her and get her back home, how she converted into one of the guerillas, and so on. Although she was mainly a victim here, a victim of brainwash and merely a bate for national attention (if you didn't know, the Hearst family is like - as said in the documentary - uncrowned royalties) I for some reason can't find sympathy for her. Okay so the SLA's fundamental belief was good; the whole Robin Hood idea, the thought of equality and freedom for everyone - race irrelevant. They were doing these things for the poor and oppressed organisms. Okay so I feel bad that Hearst got kodnapped; no one should have to experience that, she was brainwashed, she was the key to the $400 million dollar food program (a program donateing $70 worth of food to every needy person in California), she was the one who put SLA's words and wants in to action. The SLA wants to stand for freedom yet they deprive her of hers and of the two people they murdered (parents!). Talk about hypocracy...
Yes, this radicalness was probably what it took for the government and the right-wing to actually bend over and try and enhance the poverty-issue. But somewhere along the way, what started out as a semi-good only wanting harmony and equality seemed to have turned into something terribly unnecessary. Towards the end of the documentary, SLA didn't seem too be fighting for harmony, it all seemed so menacing, all they wanted to do was annoy the shit out of the government and all the Californian polices. they managed with the food program but there were only two or three distributions that went well until chaos broke out. Equality will never truly be gained in our world, maybe in script but I doubt that it will be there fully in mind and teaching. Unequality can be found anywhere, we do it without thinking - that's at least what I've observed, to be honest.

Either way, I feel that I'm losing my thread here, my main point and what suprisingly annoyed me was the sympathy for Hearst. I find it strange that a hostage, who became such a vivid member of the SLA, had her chances of escaping but never took them. After all she is an actress, I don't know when she wanted to persue that dream but I always think that an actress is someone who can be an actress all the time. What if she wasn't brainwashed but acted brainwashed? She is a Hearst, which comes with responsibility and probably a need of good appearance to the public. Why couldn't someone who regrets what she did, act brainwashed? It seems like such a typical upper-class cover up, to blame it on something else. Besides, they did such awful things, e.g. during a bank robbery when they murdered a mother of 4 and kicked a pregnant lady in the belly causing and leading her to miscarriage - it's awful. It's embarrssing to have participated in something like that. The shame I would have if it was me! I suppose she feels ashamed about it, but somehow with all the fame she has gained with this somehow she portrays to me, to be living without guilt. What would I know though, I'm just a very harsh and judgemental person towards those I think have done morally wong things. In this case she was "brainwashed". I have a hard time believing it though. What sucks right now is that I can't explain more thuroughly why.
I'm probably not making sense now, I just have a hard time trusting what is to be the truth when I get a bad vibe from it. the whole sympathy and lets reduce her sentence and come to these talkshows, you are our sweetheart - people, she robbed a bank and seemed to sincerely support SLA's actions... what?? Plus I'd like to know why she deserved a presidential pardon from Bill Clinton. they just said she recieved one but not why, unless i'm very ignorant and don't understand the very obvious reason. (Please enlight me if you know the reason!)

I probably shouldn't say more since I haven't read anymore deeper into this happening or read her biography about it so that I can get her side too (although I guess I'm not even enlightened about this from any side), and there are things I think and feel like saying which I probably shouldn't because lets face it, I'm no expert on this case. Plus I don't know what it's like to be kidnapped or to be put in her situation. So I think it's best to bite my tongue...

For the Bible Tells Me So

Tonight I was at Cinema Politica at SU, to view the screening of "For the Bible Tells Me So" directed by Daniel Karslake. As you can see it has won awards, which it definitely was worth!

This documentary plotted the clash between religion and homosexuality. The movie interviews three or four families, who are very religious christians. I believe that all of them are families where the fathers and mothers are reverons and very active in their church's organisation. One of the families father even ran for president, where the majority of his supporters shared the same religion. What all of these families have in common from both start to end, is how they at first condem homosexuality. They live by the Bible and read into it "too deeply", making them miss the whole picture and the real message of God. Homosexuality is an abomination they say. then something happens, the same thing within each family - happens. One of their children who have been taught that homosexuality is a sin and that they will go to hell, realizes that they themselves are homosexuals. How does a child reveal that to their family? A deeply religious family, a family with status amongst their church, who (if you will) are kind of like "leaders of the pack"?

In the end all families came to accept their children, one too late. Yet the path to acceptance and overcoming their belief of what was a sin was obviously hard. One mother, who couldn't accept her daughters sexual preference, ended up without reconciliation due to her daughters suicide. This was obviously what got her to see things differently and also help others realize that homosexuality is not a sin. It's not a disease, it's not a mental condition, there's no cure (and no need for it), it won't send anyone to hell. Same story basically follows for the rest of the families just a better ending, their children are still alive and are out there enlightening others that the Bible is about love and compassion. Everyone is a child of God, and who you like is nothing you decide, it's also nothing you can control.

Obviously we are aware of this. I think Europe is more open and used to homosexuality. Yet the US seem to be the contrary, which shocks me since I've always figured them to be more "open-arms" people...

However, I'm a Catholic (not the best one) and I am ashamed over those who share my belief and find homosexuality to be an abomination. I'm ashamed of any reiligion or person who has this perspective. Where is your common sense and knowledge? Why this unneccessary fear of something that is not unfamiliar?

After the screening, there usually is a debate or discussion held at the auditorium, this time they had the director on Skype so that we could ask questions and etc. It wasn't successful, since Skype let us down (actually the bad connection) and nobody really knew what to ask. Many things are obvious and everyone probably has the same view as the director on the interaction between religion and homosexuality. On the other hand, the host wasn't that great himself - he didn't seem quite prepared for the night at all...

Meet Calsuphur

Say hello to my baby. He's a HP DV6-2134EO. He run's well and is healthy as a horse. He's also going to be my partner, until replaced ...but that won't be until quite a while.

Eclipse hej-hå!

Only like a month or two away! We saw the sequol the day after the premiere and now I think we should see it ON the premiere. Yes my ladies, it is time for some Icky Stewart and Rövbert Pat-my-son. Get ready to heave at each mushy scene with the kliché love lines. It's going to be great!

Can't wait...

Oh gosh, this is what makes me wish I could just be allergic to all mushy love stuff...

Old rusty fingers

I recently found myself playing the piano for about 2 or 3 hours. Gosh, I love piano when I'm not forced to play it, when the lust comes naturally. I also found scores to two songs that I want to learn. It would be awesome to sing along to them too.

I'm learning Samson by Regina Spektor first, since I've wanted to learn it for ages. Proud to say that I finally know it by heart now.