An eyeopener

For the past few days, or weeks and months to be honest, I've been thinking a lot about my future and thinking about the paths I've been chosing. I tried to see things in a different perspective and think things through reasonably. I've asked others for opinions and advices, and I've been trying to feel after what my heart and innerself says.

My big dilemma is my future career. When I was 12 and started playing classical piano, I fell inlove. I fell quickly, happily and most of all - hardcore. I knew (then) that I wanted to be a concertpianist. Little did I know then about the currents I was about to fight, and the hardship of a musician.
After I was accepted to a highschool that focused on classical music, my whole musical world broadened and I experienced new things that I fell more inlove with. I felt a strong bond to it and knew that I never wanted to leave. The orchestras, the various instruments, the ensembles, all the musicians you met, the satisfaction and joy of playing a piece that spoke to you, the concerts, all of these amazing emotions that evolved and touched me in so many ways. How could I leave such a beautiful thing and find better?

Recently I've been wondering if it's really worth it; auditioning for the Royal College of Music. Of course any dream is worth going after but I've been wondering if this really is my dream. I love classical music, and I love the instruments I play but I had to admit to myself that all pressure was beginning to feel like a burden.
Everytime auditions come up and the pressure is high, my playing diminishes and the panic within me rises. As soon as the pressure is off and auditions are done, the opposite happens. Maybe I'm not suited for the life of a musician on the go?
I have to admit that the three years that I spent in my high school was bittersweet. It introduced me to so many things and created new passions for me, but at the same time it diminished my love for playing the piano and my dream of being a concertpianist quite a lot. What it was precisely, I'm keeping to myself.

I thought about everything thuroughly and I began asking myself why I've been holding onto it so harshly. The thought of not pursuing it as a career actually started to pick off a burden off my schest. It was when I fully admitted that I love it but don't want it as a career anymore, that I realised that I've been holding on to classical music for dear life because I thought that if I'd stop after high school it would never be a part of me again. I was wrong, classical music and my piano will always be a part of me whether I continue or not.
The fact that everyone around me was pursuing it as a career and had already started building their careers at the age of 16 if not younger, led me to only see one alternative in life. One love, one life, one path.
I built up this idea that once you have a dream about it, you're not allowed to quit. I met many that were drilled to play and play by their parents although they themselves didn't wish for it. And I suppose I saw it as the way it was supposed to be. I had to have it, whether the passion was strong or weak.

Somehow, I feel like I don't want to sit around and try and try for years getting into that godforsaken college. I know the competition, and it's tough. I know my level, and it's not close.
I'm a bit restless of myself and wish for things to happen immediately, and perhaps that's what's becoming my fall. I still have my doubts about giving up entirely but I've decided to have a talk with my pianoteacher tomorrow. I just need to know how good of a chance I have of getting into that college and when, and who would know better than her. I just hope she'll be split honest with me, eventhough it might hurt.