I don't even know where to begin or how to explain the mess I caused yesterday, and the pre-destruction I caused the night before.
I suppose it all started off when we became facebook-friends and wrote a lot. Some things he said then were (to me) a bit weird and uncalled for. Some things are things you just don't regularly say to girls when you're getting to know them. Take this for example: "maybe you need to teach me how to watch horror movies, I mean I'm ready to take your classes if you are willing to teach ;)".
Did I get it all wrong? Is it because I'm a girl, that I over-analyze like everything? I'm not stating all of this because of that one comment, there are other things as well. Okay, so maybe any friends of opposite sexes can joke and say those comments to each other without it meaning anything. So maybe I've just met guys before who pull a similar line under-toning something other than friendship, that when a new guy says it I've been so corrupted with my experiences that I only seem to be thinking in one way. And I must say that in many aspects of my life, I have been thinking in only one way... Maybe it's my fault that I thought he was coming on to me, but then again - when you meet and he pays for your coffee, touches your waist and asks you "how do you define a date?" - am I getting it all wrong? I suppose I did. Then again, the only guys who have paid for my coffee and touched my waist are guys I've dated. (However, I do have some guy friends who touch my waist and that's not so weird - so I suppose I shouldn't have taken that as a signal. So stupid how I finally see how much I over-analyze things. I'm such a girl! I'm starting to see how ridiculos everything is, the signs - what signs!? There are no signs until someone says something - gosh Bianca! Either way, getting back on track, what I just wrote was slightly irrelevant!)
Then comes the close friends...I kept on telling them "No! I'm just a friend, there's nothing going on". They kept saying the opposite, and this led me to start thinking the opposite. I started comparing how he acted to how my other guy friends act and thought more like the opposite. I figured that he's more open than my other guy friends, more relaxed and not so tense and worried like some I know are. Although, I do have some guy friends who are too open that it does get weird - but that's another story. I should've figured it out earlier and gone with my first instincts that he is a friend that really means well and is (in a funny way) very different from most of my guy friends.
Either way, it's all gotten out of hand and now - I should've blocked it all out and gone with what I knew from the start: I'm just a friend.
How I figured that I was just a friend was when my two friends wrote a text-message asking if he saw us as friends or dating. I couldn't send it myself knowing that the consequence was going to be disastrous, so my friend pushed the button and all I could do was wait. I waited for the answer I already knew. I saw it and didn't quite know what to say. The first thing that I thought of though was to talk to my best friend Cecilia. Since she was one of them who was most sure that the relationship with him was more than friendship. I wanted to tell her how wrong she was, and say how I've ruined a great friendship - so the next morning I wrote a text-message. I stated that I was led on, I wrote that I was shocked and that my other two friends were too and then I sent it. Thing is; I sent it to him. The wrong person. And it took me 15 minutes to realize it. I think I died on the train...
I suppose I should be glad that he even responded to it, that he's going to face the issue. I don't know, it's all confusing and embarrassing and I don't want to meet up and talk about it - at all! I just want to forget it and move out of the country...
