How did I wind up at square one?

How have I gotten to a place in life where everything seems to stand still? Perhaps not for everyone, but it does for me. Where has all the creativeness, the passion, my writing and knowledge gone? I have the ambition, but where is the rest?

I have had times when I feel like a complete idiot, a really stupid girl. Not taken my chances and opportunities in life, playing around doing what I've felt like doing, not seeing the benefits in what I've decided to disregard. (Those times are more reoccurring.)

Most of all, not taken the importance of each and every course that I've read throughout my school years. Like History: I've read the course, I passed the exams, I actually found certain periods interesting - but why can't I remember it, just like everyone else? Why does it feel like I subconsciously "dumb" myself down by not have taken those courses more seriously? I keep yapping on about common knowledge, and what I really should stop to ask myself is "Where is my common knowledge?".

And after graduating with what you think (and others tell you) are quite good points, you realize that you're actually fucked! They weren't that great because the programs I want to study are programs that require the full pot, meaning 2.0 (or also called 20).

To apply for Law you need 20. To apply for Economics or Math, you need 18 almost 19. I'm 0,5 points below 18 - how the hell is this going to work?

I can probably find another program but it will probably be something boring which doesn't really lead to a great job. I can continue with German, but what the hell am I going to do with that afterwards? I refuse to become a German teacher because a) I don't have the patience to teach others, and b) I don't see the charm in being a teacher overall. I don't even want to be a translator. It's hard enough knowing that, about 75%(?) of the time, translations never really get translated completely correct - and it's almost impossible to do so!

I'm an ambitious person! I strive for the top, and I can't reach it. What a blow on my ambition! I feel so deprived...

And to make me feel more deprived, I'm hoping to take my Bachelors abroad. And that is not going as splendid as I hoped.

Also, I have this dislike of being left behind. I hate being left behind. I have dreams of my own, it's just that I'm not always keen on finishing up last (not that it's a contest about who gets where first), I just really don't want years to fly by until I get somewhere!

I'd like to know where I'll end up and what I'll be doing. A reassurance that I will make it, that I will reach the goal I aim for.

But ney... and this is what I hate about the Future; that it has to terrify you so greatly.